Being without him was hard, near impossible, and I’d miss him forever. I also hadn’t decided what I would tell the baby about him when the time came.
But I would build us this new life, and I would do it without him, no matter how much it hurt.
* * *
Maxim
“Maxim, are you sure about this?” Sergei said.
I clenched my teeth and then nodded tightly. “Yes,” I said. “You’ve been looking for a way to move up in the Syndicate, and this is it. If you don’t want the opportunity, I’m happy to give it to someone else.”
Sergei frowned, but then nodded. “I’ll do it.”
“Good. I’ll make the arrangements,” I said.
Sergei stood, waiting, and after several minutes I looked up at him again. “Was there some other business?”
He met my eyes, held them for a moment before he spoke.
“When are you going to drop this charade and bring Senna home?”
I stood slowly, keeping my motions smooth, easy, though I had almost instantly seen red, the anger deep, instant at his mention of her name.
“I should cut your heart out for even mentioning her,” I said through clenched teeth, unable to suppress the quick surge of anger.
“Like you cut out your own?” Sergei said.
I reached for him, in that moment having decided that Sergei was as good an outlet as any for the frustration that was long past the boiling point.
He made no effort to get out of my way, and instead just watched me, showing a maturity and calm I hadn’t seen in him before. It was enough to calm me, if only for the moment.
“Don’t speak of her again,” I said, every mention of Senna, every thought of her, making the pain of her absence burn anew.
“Can’t promise that, boss. You told me to stick to what I believe and deal with the consequences. I’m sticking with this. You need to end this, Maxim,” he said.
“Senna is none of your business. Neither am I,” I said, pissed off beyond belief that he even dared mentioned Senna but proud of him for speaking up, despite how angry he knew doing so would make me.
“Nope. Senna happens to be a friend of mine, so she is my business. And everyone is walking on eggshells, afraid you’re going to flay them for the slightest infraction. Not having Senna around has ruined your always-lovely disposition. You’re fucking up, Maxim.”
I started to reach for him again but I dropped my hands. What he said wasn’t completely untrue, and though I tried my hardest to keep my emotions in check, each day grew a little bit longer, my sadness at her absence got a little bit worse, and my patience got a little shorter.
“There’s another reason I’m saying this,” he said.
“What would that be?” I said.
“I’m worried about you. We’re friends, Maxim. You know, friends?” he said, lifting his face in a smile.
“No. I don’t,” I said, knowing that this type of meddling had played no part in friendship as I understood it.
Sergei seemed to disagree. “Bullshit. You know exactly what I mean, and whether you want to admit that we’re friends or not, the fact is you need to bring Senna home,” he said.
“And then what?” I asked, speaking the thought that had been at the top of my mind before I could stop it.
Sergei looked at me, his expression as serious as I could ever remember seeing it. He shrugged. “I don’t know. You just go on like usual, I guess, but she’d be back where she’s supposed to be.”
I felt the frown tugging down at my face, and Sergei narrowed his gaze on me.
“You disagree?” he said.
“I think you make it sound so simple,” I replied.
“I’m the dumb one, so maybe you can explain the complexity I’m overlooking,” he said.
Though he’d just professed his own stupidity, I still saw the keen intelligence in Sergei’s eyes just as I always had. I also saw what he was doing, giving me an opportunity to explain my thoughts under the facade of me lecturing him, which allowed us to have this discussion while avoiding anything that might look like a heart-to-heart.
“What you’re overlooking is Senna is a liability,” I said.
He nodded his agreement. “Yeah, but she always has been. That didn’t stop you before.”
“It should have,” I replied.
“It didn’t,” he said without pause. “So why the change?”
I turned away and then looked at Sergei again, unsure of what to do. I’d already said too much, but taking this further… Still, I wanted to talk to someone, needed to know that I hadn’t been completely wrong, because the feeling that I had, got stronger each day.