"I haven't forgotten. I'll be there."
"But what about Danielle? You forgot to add her as your plus one."
Shit!
I hadn't forgotten to add her at all. I'd forgotten that I'd be expected to add her, considering she was my non-fake fiancée now.
"Um … " Stalling, I needed to come up with an excuse as to why Danielle would be absent. "That's … because … she can't make it."
"Why?"
"Because she's busy."
"No, she's not."
How the hell would you know?
"Yeah, she is," I corrected her.
She corrected me right back. "No, she's not. Not according to Jeanette."
Fuck! Mothers. It was moments like these that I wished my mother were more like a harp seal. Those furry fuckers were AWOL only twelve days after giving birth, abandoning their pups in search of a new mate.
"Well, when Danielle and I last spoke about it (which was never), she'd had a work function on."
"Oh. Welllllllll," Mum drawled, all gossipy-like, "according to Jeanette, Danielle was due to spend the evening with her to discuss landscaping designs for the garden."
Scrunching my eyes together, I pressed my palm against my head. "Maybe her function was recently cancelled. I don't know."
"You should know, Elliot. It's important to talk about these things with one another, to keep each other in the loop. Anyway, I've added her to our table, and Jeanette was going to call her now and let her know."
"Right. Thanks." Fuck! Danielle was definitely going to kill me this time. Then again, if we were to properly keep this engagement ruse going, technically, she should accompany me to the gala.
"Don't be sad, dear. She probably just assumed there were no spaces left and that's why she never told you she was available to go," Mum added.
"Um … yeah, probably. Okay. I better get going. Thanks for the reminder."
"Anytime." She blew a couple of kisses down the phone. "Love you. See you both on Friday night."
"You too."
Just as I ended the call, Rebecca's voice filled the room once again "Err, Mr Parker, there's a woman on the phone claiming to be your fiancée? She's quite aggressive."
"Ahhhh, yes," I sighed, preparing myself to go to war. "That would be Danielle. Thanks, Rebecca, patch her through."
"Oh. Sure. Okay. I'll do it now."
I sucked in a deep breath before answering. "Mr Splinter-Removalist, King of Kissing, Lots Parker speaking, how may I assist you today?"
There was silence for a second before she replied.
"This is Ms Danielle What the Fuck is a Hume GoSafe Gala and What the Fuck am I Supposed to Wear Cunningham. May I speak to Lots of Pain in my Arse Parker please?"
I chuckled. "I think you have the wrong number, sorry."
"Oh no. I definitely have the correct number."
"Hmm … that's strange indeed, because the only Lots Parker here is Lots of Orgasms Parker. Would you like to speak to him?"
"Only if he can answer my questions."
"He can."
"Good. Put him on then."
"Lucky for you, you're already speaking to him."
"That's funny, because he hasn't answered my questions yet."
"Well, Hume GoSafe Gala is an event held to recognise the efforts of particular citizens living in the Hume region who are part of a program designed to keep children safe as they travel to and from school. As for what a beautiful woman such as yourself should wear to such an event, hmm … I'd say something that can easily be removed at the end of the evening."
I waited for her response, my chair rocking as I pushed my feet against the ground.
"I'm not laughing, Elliot."
"You will be."
"Oh, yeah? And why's that?"
"Studies have shown that a sure way to laugh is when you try not to because it's inappropriate to do so."
She laughed.
"I rest my case."
"Cliché much?"
"What? Resting my case? No. It's actually more applicable, don't you think?"
"I think you're a smartarse that set this entire gala event up just to torture me further."
"I'm truly offended and equally flattered that you think I'm capable of manipulating my mother into manipulating your mother into backing you into a corner with nowhere to go other than to an event in honour of my sister's selflessness. I mean, wow, that's quite an achievement in exploitation."
"That's not what I meant."
"Then what did you mean?"
There was more silence, this time longer.
"Oh, I don't know," she sighed. "I'm sorry. I just hate lying."