"No. He's not dead. He may be dying, but he's not dead. He would never give up on either of you, so you fucking better not give up on him. Help me!"
They're immediately next to me on the ground, tearing off their t-shirts as I tear the sheet that's covering me. I don't care about being naked underneath the small piece that's left. I don't care about anything, except for keeping Matt alive. If he dies, then the old me will die along with him. I'll come back to this place, and this time, it will be for real.
The paramedics come in and push us out of the way. And then they stop and shake their heads. "He's alive." They just look at me like I'm crazy, and right now, I probably am. I pick up a gun and check it for bullets before pointing it at them. "He. Is. Alive."
They spring into action and start taking care of him. As they pull the gurney away, I start to follow them. The local police stop me when they see the gun in my hand, so I drop it and explain myself. I see the ambulance pulling away, and try to run after it, but I'm too late.
"Come on, Rei, we'll get you there," Nate says.
"We have something for you, too," Aiden tells me.
"No. Not yet, Aid."
"Yes, Nate. It's time."
"The fuck it is. He's going to live. Matt won't give up, and I'm not giving up on him."
"We have to be realistic. Even if he lives, it won't be the same."
"He will live, but now you better give me whatever it is you think I need," I say, finally speaking up.
Nate looks at Aiden with a glare. "You give her yours, because I'm not having that on me when he wakes up pissed."
"She deserves it," Aiden says, pulling his wallet out and extracting a tiny envelope.
He hands it to me, and I see the word "Princess" in Matt's handwriting. Leave it to him to insult me even in written form. I open it as I get into the backseat of the Jeep Nate leads us to.
Reina,
If you're reading this, I'm either dead, or close enough to it that Nate or Aiden felt it was the right time to give this to you. I wish I was brave enough to tell you the things you're about to read, but I'm not. My two biggest regrets in life are pushing you away all those years ago, and doing the thing that made me push you away. What you'll read will either make you hate me more, or love me more. Either way, I need you to understand something. I love you. More than any person on this Earth has ever loved another. I'll love you even after I take my last breath because life and death have no power over the love I feel for you. Hopefully, what you find here will show you that:
Email address: [email protected]
Password: the date we first met
Yours forever,
Matt
"Give me a phone."
"We may not have service," Nate says.
"Stop stalling me and give me a god damn phone or I'll jump out of this Jeep and find someone else who will help me."
Aiden shares a look with Nate, and then hands me his phone. I bring up the browser and almost cry when I see the two bars. I click on Google, log Aiden out, and then log into the account Matt gave me. What I see brings those tears I was trying to hold back-thousands of emails, the last one dated yesterday. I go to the oldest page and see that the first one is from over eleven years ago. On the day that Matt broke my heart for the first time. I take a deep breath, and click on it, both hopeful and scared of what I'm about to learn.
Chapter 1
Reina,
I did something today. Something I don't think I can live with. It was an accident, but that makes it even worse. I was with my unit when we were attacked, and I started shooting at everything, everywhere. And I hit him-I shot an innocent man. A man who has a family, a wife and two small children. I don't know why he walked into that intersection where he must have heard the guns. Maybe he thought he could help, even though he didn't have a weapon. His wife said that he was a good man, one who was opposed to the war. I went to see her and promised to provide for her and their children for the rest of their lives. I know it can't make up for what I did, but I had to do something. She said she doesn't blame me, but how can that be true? I killed her husband. I KILLED him. My C.O. says I need to stay quiet about it, that it would be bad press if it got out, but that's not right. People should know. You should know. I can't tell you, though. Not ever. I wouldn't survive having you look at me like the monster I know I am. I'm not sure I'll be able to survive living the rest of my life without you, but I have to. I can't have you anymore. I don't deserve happiness, and everything about you makes me happy. I'm going to break up with you. It's going to break me, but I have no choice. I'll never be able to call you My Beautiful Queen again, and I'll never get to hold you or make love to you. Someone else will get to do those things while I stay away and love you from afar. There will be no one else for me, because I've already had the best.
I love you,
Matt
I can't wait to get home and check my email. Today is the day I get my email from Matt. He never misses a week, and I live for those words from him. I can't wait until he can come home again-I'm going crazy waiting for him. Reading his emails and knowing he's missing me, too, is what keeps me going.
I rush through the door to the apartment Jane Corrigan put me in, and turn on my computer. I could've used one at the Foundation, but I like to be alone when I read the words of love Matt sends me. We don't write anything scandalous, but our words are still intimate, meant only for each other.
I bring up my email and smile when I see the notification from him. The smile falls from my face as I read the words he's written. No. This isn't right. Matt loves me. He told me he loves me, and he's said it in every email since he left. He wouldn't want to see other women. He couldn't. But it's there on my screen, the letters blurring as I view them through my tears. No matter how many times I read them, they still say the same thing.
I think we should see other people. I'm sorry, Reina. It's really not you. Take care of yourself, Matt.
I straighten my spine, and force myself to stop crying. I'm not some silly girl anymore. I'm a member of the Society, and I can get through this. Even though I know I'll have to see Matt because of Jane, I'll survive. If I mean so little to him, then I'll make him mean nothing to me. I don't know how, but I will
Three days ago
Reina
I'm practically skipping as I enter the Corrigan & Co. building. Last night, Matt finally admitted that he loves me. We made love for hours after that, and he let me sleep in while he got up to go into work. I should be able to catch him for lunch if I hurry.
One of the security guards stops me before I get on the elevator. "Mrs. Corrigan, your husband asked me to have you meet him in his office the minute you arrived."
"Thank you," I tell him with a smile.
I take the elevator up, straightening my white sweater dress a little. It's got a cowl neck and a long skirt, and I feel pretty and feminine in it. I usually dress to intimidate, but today I just wanted to dress like a wife. A wife who's loved.
Matt's secretary waves me through, and I walk in, prepared to molest my husband. That plan goes out the door when I see that he's not alone. One of the Corrigan attorneys is standing at the side of his desk.
"Hi," I say to the man while I look at Matt, who won't look back at me.
"Hello, Reina. Are you ready to sign your life away, literally?"
"Excuse me?"
"It's been one year today. I have the divorce papers ready for you to sign. Matt's done his part already."
"You signed them?" I ask Matt. He doesn't answer me, but I see it on his face. He did it. "You signed them."
"Of course he signed them. This was a marriage of convenience after all. Here's your pen."
I don't remember my legs moving, but I'm all of a sudden standing next to him, holding my hand out. Convenient? No. Nothing about this past year has been convenient. Frustrating, hopeful, sad, fun, and sexy, but not convenient.
I take the pen and sign all the places he tells me to. "Congratulations. I just need to file these, and then there's the waiting period, but you'll be officially free of each other soon."
I drop the pen onto the floor and walk out. I hear people greeting me, and I force myself to answer as I make my way to the Foundation. I manage to smile for Alex to tell her I need a little time alone to go over some files. I walk at a normal pace to my office, but once I close the door, it's all over.
I use voice controls to turn off the cameras and listening devices, and then I sink to the floor. I scream and cry, and then I destroy. I throw our wedding picture into the wall, and then go to work on everything else. Everything but my desk. I need my computer, but the rest of the office looks like a tornado came through. It's not enough.