I guzzled down the burning liquid and prayed I’d get drunk enough to pass out. I lay back on the bed, and the smell of old lady perfume filled my senses and made me want to gag. The music outside the room was so loud I couldn’t think, so loud I almost didn’t hear the soft knocking on bedroom door.
“Go the fuck away,” I slurred loudly.
The music got louder as the door opened and muffled again once it was closed.
“Didn’t I say this room was being used?” I kept my eyes closed as I felt the alcohol taking over me.
“Why are you ignoring me?” Patience’s voice filled the room.
I sat up on my elbows and glared at her with drunken, red eyes.
“Why are you following me? Are you into stalking now?” I snapped.
She flinched at my words and I hoped she’d just leave. Being this close to her and not touching her was killing me. I sat up and slung my feet over the side of the bed. I put my back to her on purpose, hoping she’d take the hint, but still I heard her behind me.
“Did I do something?” she asked.
“Nope, you sure didn’t. Maybe if you had we’d still be talking.”
I knew it was fucked up when I said it, but the urge to be near her was getting stronger.
“So you quit talking to me because I didn’t put out?” She sounded appalled.
“Ding, ding, ding!” I stood up and faced her.
The room turned with me and then I got a good look at the sadness on her face and it pissed me off. She moved toward me and I felt my spine stiffen.
She stood there staring up at me like she was trying to see my hidden secret. It was there, just beneath the surface, and it made me uncomfortable having her look so closely.
“Came to try again? Maybe you won’t freak out when you get off this time?”
It was like a slap to her face. I knew they would be when the words worked their way down my tongue. Her eyes filled with tears and I felt my heart go flat. Swishing her hair in my face, she turned to leave, but hurting her hurt me and I wanted to apologize on the spot.
I reached out and grabbed her arm and she turned to face me. An apology was waiting just behind my lips, but then she looked down at my arm and her eyes went wide. I followed her gaze and saw she was staring at my snowflake tattoo.
“What’s that?” She held up my arm.
I pulled it away and crossed my arms.
“Is that a snowflake?” She pointed at my arm. “Why would you tattoo a snowflake on your arm?” Her expression changed and I saw a bit of hope seep into her eyes. “Is it… did you get it for me?”
Damn right I did! That’s what I wanted to say. Yeah, I was drunk when I did it. Sure, I was completely out of it, but they say a drunken man never lies and I had a moment of honestly when I’d branded myself with a symbol for Patience. She was under my skin always. Why not put her on my skin as well?
Instead of giving in, I went deeper into asshole mode.
“Oh, God, here we go. Go ahead, snowflake. Turn it into something it’s not. Go tell all your little white-collar friends that the white trash boy from across town is so in love with you he went and got a tattoo for you.”
I made it sound as if it were a joke, but in actuality, it was the truth… It was the truth and it sucked.
“You’re such an asshole. I don’t know what made me think I could ever be in love with someone like you.” Her words reached into my chest and squeezed my heart with an iron fist. “Why do you do that? Why do you give me something great and then snatch it away? What would it take from you to allow me to walk away just once feeling like I’m something important to you? Just once!” A tear slipped down her cheek. “You’re the only person in the world I want to be important to, but you refuse to just give me a minute of that feeling.”
I stood there and listened without saying a word. She had all but admitted she was in love with me. Anything I’d been ready to say was lodged in the back of my throat.
She threw up her arms in frustration. “I’m not going to lie. Yes, I thought the snowflake was for me, but only because you call me snowflake. Parts of me hope you got that tattoo as a memento of a girl you’re crazy about, but I know better. You’re incapable of having feelings at all apparently. So don’t you worry about me having any misconceived notions about where you stand. I know where I place in your life and it’s right below your guitar, your shitty car, some skank you banged last week, and drugs!”
I stood there in shock by the vehemence in her voice. The words she said couldn’t have been more untrue, but it would be wrong of me to admit such feelings for her. Hell yes, I marked my body with her essence, but I’d been marked by her long before the tattoo. She earned the spot on my body as well as my heart and soul, but I’d never be cruel enough to admit that.