How did I let this happen? How was it even possible? I was in love with Patience. I’d never been in love, but I definitely had the symptoms. I sat on the bathroom floor and stared at the purple hair tie on the counter. I couldn’t do this to her and I wouldn’t do this to me. She deserved so much more than a guy who bought her McDonald’s for her birthday and could only afford to do more if he sold enough drugs.
Once I was in bed, she sent me a text I never responded to. She would thank me later, and maybe staying away from her would cure the case of feelings I had.
The week dragged by. I moved in with Tiny in his little shitty apartment on Thursday with plans to go to my dad’s house the following weekend and get the rest of my shit while he was at work.
My days were free since I barely went to school anymore. The school year was wrapping up and I only had to take one class for the rest of my senior year. Being held back a year had its advantages. I didn’t need many credits to graduate.
Later that afternoon, after Boy’s Club, I went to Finn’s place to practice. Patience quit texting after I quit responding, and if I were being honest, I’d admit I missed her like crazy. Everything was different in my life, but I still felt like I was spiraling out of control unless I was with her.
“Finn, tell Zeke what you said to that chick at The Pit the other night,” Chet said as he took a hard hit from the joint being passed around.
It had yet to come my way, but it had been so long since I smoked. I hadn’t even realized my smoking and drinking had slowed while I was hanging out with Patience.
“I asked her if she’d let me go bare back and balls deep on her,” Finn said casually.
“And then she punched the shit out of him.” Chet laughed through his exhale.
Everyone in the room laughed hysterically. I laughed, too, but I wasn’t feeling it.
The joint finally made it to me and, instead of hitting it, I passed it to Tiny.
“Dude, what the fuck? I’ve known you forever now and I’ve never seen you pass a joint without hitting it. Are you sick?” Tiny asked.
“Love sick.” Chet laughed.
“What’s this you’re talking about, Chet? You saying our boy Zeke’s pussy whipped?” Finn asked with big eyes.
“Fuck you, man. You know better than that,” I said as I reached out for the joint.
I took a big hit and then another before I passed it.
Even my boys were noticing the changes in me. Maybe I was sick. I know I felt pretty sick.
Once the beer was pulled out, I drank until I couldn’t feel anything. It had been so long since I’d been so high and drunk and I fucking loved it. I hated feeling so many things for Patience, and this way I was too drunk to think straight, much less feel.
So when my boy Frankie stopped by with his tattoo supplies, I blamed the alcohol for being stupid enough to get a new tattoo. Getting a tattoo wasn’t a big deal, I had them all over me, but the next morning when I woke up to take a piss and I saw a little blue snowflake on the inside of my left forearm, I knew I was in way over my head.
A week went by in a blur of school, Boy’s Club, practice, and intoxication. I still hadn’t made if over to my dad’s so I was still living out of a duffle bag. We played at The Pit a few extra times in hopes that the record executive would be there the night we played, but we never heard anything about it.
When the weekend came back around, Finn had one of his usual parties. I was in the middle of drowning myself in a bottle of Everclear when I saw her platinum hair across the room. I knew sooner rather than later I’d run into her again. Especially since Chet was banging her best friend on a regular basis now.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. First of all, she’d let Megan dress her again and damn, she looked hotter than shit. Secondly, it was Patience, my snowflake, and I missed her like crazy. She laughed at something Megan said and then ran her fingers through her hair to push it out of her face. All I could think about was the smell of that expensive shampoo she used. When I left the motel, I actually contemplated stealing the pillow case like a psycho.
She must have felt my stare because she turned and her gaze crashed with mine. Her face dropped and her eyes became sad. I knew her sadness. I felt the same. She was the only woman in the world that I’d ever spent time with without sex and I had to be stupid enough to fall for her.
Before she could come talk to me, I walked out of the garage. I couldn’t stand looking at her and I hated the expression on her face. Finn’s mom was out of the town with her new boyfriend, who was Finn’s age, so I shut myself in her room.
Being surrounded by an old eighties-style bedroom set and the god-awful mauve bedding and curtains didn’t help my mood. The mauve reminded me of my mom. It was her favorite color to decorate with. Maybe when I went to get my shit from Dad’s I’d take her chair, too. It was all I had left of her since I was stupid enough to destroy my favorite memory of her.