“Jay,” Mum was calling. “You’d better come with us now, we’re going to be late!”
Darting across the yard, I scrambled into the backseat of Dad’s old Fiat. He drove to the church with careful precision, as if he knew that this was the day his son would become a man.
It was spring outside, and hotter than anything, but inside the church always felt cool and hushed. I lowered my eyes as Mum guided me inside, helping me to one of the pews in the front where I’d sit with the other boys and girls getting confirmed.
Her eyes glistened with tears and she looked at me proudly. “I can’t believe that you’re my son,” she said, with a sad smile on her face. “I always wanted so many children, but you’re the only one we had. And you’re so special, Jay. You’re all I need.”
My cheeks reddened and I pulled away before any of the other boys could see my mother fussing over me. I knew that they probably had to deal with their own mothers doing the same thing, but being seen like that would be mortifying.
My best mate, Connor, slid in next to me at the pew, and he poked me in the ribs. I started giggling. Father O’Donohue, the priest, glared at me and I shushed instantly.
“Look at that old penguin,” Connor whispered in my ear. He pointed to an older nun who had fallen asleep in the corner of the church. “She looks like she decided to get to heaven a little bit early!”
I lost it. Peals of childish laughter filled my ears and when everyone grew silent, I realized the sounds were coming from me. From the back of the church, Mum and Dad were glaring.
“I’m sorry, Father,” I mumbled under my breath. He nodded and moved on, but I still felt like everyone was staring at me, and I slumped down in the pew and stared at my new shoes. They were already scuffed and dirty, like everything else that I owned. Shame burned like a brand. I knew that I’d somehow managed to embarrass my family again, even without trying.
The rest of the ceremony was a blur. I stood up with the other boys and took communion , then we lined up in the back of the church for confession.
“This is a very special day,” Father O’Donohue was saying. He folded his hands together in front of his chest. “This is a very special day indeed. This is the day that you become men and women in the eyes of the church, do you understand?”
“Yes, Father,” we chorused in unison. “We understand.”
One by one, we slipped into the small confessional booth to confess our sins. When it got to be my turn, I couldn’t stop shaking.
“Knock ‘em dead,” Connor whispered in my ear. But even with my best friend’s vote of confidence, I still felt like I didn’t deserve to be here.
The inside of the confessional was even darker than the rest of the church. A carved wooden screen kept me separate from Father O’Donohue, even though I knew he could tell it was me.
“Tell me, son, how long has it been since your last confession?”
“Eleven years, nine months, and six days,” I said automatically, reciting my age.
“And what are your sins, child?”
I burned bright red with shame. “I’ve embarrassed my father and mother, and I’ve been a holy terror while Mum has been sick. I haven’t helped out at home. I laughed during the sermon, during the holy word of God.”
“These are venial sins, my son,” Father O’Donohue’s calming voice replied. “Say a Hail Mary tonight and you will be cleansed the eyes of the Lord.”
A strange, disquieting calm feeling settled over me. When I left the confessional booth, I felt like a real man, like a new person in the eyes of God. So maybe that was why Mum and Dad were so keen on coming to church.
“Jay! Jay!” Connor ran up to me, holding a new toy airplane. “Mum got me this, wanna take it to the park?”
Already, my new status as a man was forgotten. I pushed through the crowd of worshippers until I found my parents.
“Mum, Dad, can I go with Connor to the park? His mum gave him an airplane, and we want to fly it all the way to the continent!”
Mum and Dad exchanged glanced. “All right, son,” Dad said gruffly. “Be home before dinner, and don’t bring Connor with you. We have a special meal planned for you.”
I never got to find out what that special meal was. I bolted out of the church with Connor, and my parents stayed behind for a few minutes to chat with the clergy. I never heard the explosion, never saw their car erupt into a flaming ball of gas….
I shook my head to clear the memory. Since that day, the day my parents were killed, I hadn’t prayed. Not once. But now, I couldn’t stop myself from praying. Please God, let her be all right…please, I’ll do anything.