We still hadn’t talked about what was going to happen after he left today. Were we back together? Was this just physical for him? I knew he still loved me, yet I had the distinct feeling that he wasn’t as sure about wanting to be with me as I was about him. It would be painful if he didn’t want to try again, although it might be what I deserved after running away from him when he needed me most.
I broached the subject hesitantly. “Will you be in Boston anytime soon?”
He looked at me and shook his head without saying anything. My heart sank.
“How about New York? You must have a layover in New York on your schedule.”
He slipped one of his large feet into his shoe. “Haven’t checked.” When he was done getting dressed, he stood and zipped his suitcase. “We should probably get on the road in case there’s traffic.”
I nodded and somehow managed to keep my tears at bay. Swallowing them down my throat as I dressed left a large lump of emotions clogged in my chest.
Just like the drive from the airport yesterday, the trip to the airport was silent. Every single minute that ticked by was making it harder and harder to focus. We’d only just found our way back to each other, and I wasn’t ready to lose him again. I didn’t need a commitment, but I needed to know that this was the beginning of something. That we’d try to figure things out. Yet as I exited the highway into Boston’s bustling airport, it was beginning to feel more like the end than the beginning.
Oh my God.
Was it the end? Was this the closure he’d talked about with his therapist? It was a good thing we were almost to the terminal drop off because I was fighting the palpitations in my chest and beginning to feel a hyperventilation-style panic attack coming on.
I parked at the curb and stared straight ahead. I knew if I looked at his face, I was going to lose it. Carter was watching me intently; I could feel it.
“Perky…”
Tears began to fill my eyes, and I refused to let them spill over. My hands gripped the steering wheel so hard that my knuckles turned white.
He continued, “I had a great time.”
Hearing the start of his blow off, my sadness suddenly morphed into anger. “Don’t you dare, Carter. I know I screwed up. But don’t you dare spend the night with me and then give me the Captain Carter Clynes flight attendant blow off special.” I finally turned to face him. “I love you. I never stopped. And I know down deep you still love me, too. So don’t cheapen what we have by treating me like one of your harem…one of your flight attendant fucks. Tell me it’s over if you want, but give me that much respect at least.”
Carter hung his head. His voice was soft and strained when he spoke again. “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant to do.”
Just then, a loud knock on the passenger window startled me. It was airport security telling us we needed to drop off and move along. Carter told him we’d be done in a minute and then reached for my hand. “I’ll call you. Okay, beautiful?”
“When?”
Again, he looked away. “I don’t know.”
I wanted so much to savor the last kiss he gave me. But I couldn’t. Everything was numb. He brushed his lips softly against mine and then cupped my face in both hands. “Yesterday,” he whispered.
I smiled and nodded. The Beatles summed up our moment perfectly. Love coming back made Yesterday seem so much easier. But what would tomorrow bring?
“THIS IS YOUR SECOND VISIT in a week. Did something happen to bring you back here today?” Dr. Lemmon asked.
“I can’t sleep.”
“Is the trouble falling asleep or staying asleep?”
“Both. I have this incredible energy inside of me, and I just can’t seem to get rid of it.”
“How do you normally burn off excess energy?”
“That’s not an option.”
Dr. Lemmon nodded like I’d just given her the answer even though I hadn’t said shit. “So let’s talk about that. Am I wrong in assuming that in the past you used sex as a way of relaxing yourself enough to rest?”
“You’re not wrong about that.”
“And when you say it’s not an option, I’m assuming that isn’t in the literal sense. You’re a good-looking pilot. Options must be boundless.”
“No, I didn’t mean there weren’t any options. I meant I wouldn’t be taking any of the available options.”
“So it’s been what, a week now since you and Kendall spent the night together?”
“One week today.”
“And it’s been three days since you were here.”
“You want me to put this crap on a calendar for you?”