Although I really had no desire to, I figured I might as well jump back into my life. This was going to be it for me. I hadn’t been with another woman in more than eleven months. If I was jumping back into action, it might as well be with a woman who I knew I was compatible with and also had no expectations for anything more than just fucking. What the hell? It was better than being alone anymore. “Sure…why not.”
AFTER WE LANDED, I HAD to wait around for one of the local International Airlines mechanics to come by. One of the plane’s gauges had stopped working mid-flight. It wasn’t critical to safety, but our policy required us to stay until we met with the service technician so that we could explain the problem first-hand. I told my second officer to leave, and I’d stay behind and wait. Unlike me, he had a family waiting for him at home. I also had Alexa to keep me company while I waited. Apparently, there was a backup in service calls, and I was going to be sitting around for up to an hour. Alexa joined me in the cockpit to wait.
“Remember that time we almost got caught in Berlin while we were on weather delay? I was sitting on your lap riding you, and the door was open to the cockpit, and we didn’t hear the announcement that they were finally going to start boarding?” She was sitting in the chair next to me and rubbed her fingers up and down my arm as she spoke.
I nodded, unable to answer vocally because I knew my voice would come out full of disgust. I remembered the day she was talking about, although the thought of it made me feel ill at the moment. Loveless fucking. What had happened to me that I wasn’t really interested anymore? I was positive if I had told her to get on her knees right at that moment as we waited for the mechanic, she would have done so happily. There was a time when getting head in the cockpit was better than any high. Would I ever get back to those days where I felt like that? It sure as hell didn’t feel like it at the moment.
“We have an hour to kill. We could put the sun shield up and pregame it?”
“I’d just rather get this taken care of and head to the hotel.”
She was quiet for a moment. “What’s going on with you, Trip? You don’t seem like yourself.”
“Nothing. Just tired from the flight.” I wasn’t going to insult her and tell the truth—that I felt like I was waiting to go before the firing squad rather than looking forward to being inside of her again. No reason to hurt her feelings. The shit I was going through was all my problem.
She must have sensed that my mind was elsewhere. “What happened to you and the little blonde, anyway? Rumor around the crew was that someone had finally grounded Captain Bigcock?”
My brows drew together. “Captain Bigcock?”
“Don’t pretend you don’t know what the flight attendants call you. It’s no secret that you like to fuck, and you’re well equipped.”
I shook my head, disgusted with myself. God, I really was an asshole before I met Kendall.
When I didn’t respond, she pressed again. “What? Were you in love with her or something?”
Head over fucking heels.
“I don’t want to talk about this with you, Alexa.”
“Why? I was married once. I was in love. I could be a friend, too, you know. There’s more to me than just a place to stick your dick once in a while. You just never had any interest in getting to know me before.”
I stared at her. She was absolutely right. Before Kendall, I wouldn’t have agreed with her, but now I knew what it was like to let someone in—to open myself up to more than just sex—so I was able to see things clearly. I’d never given her a half a chance. “I’m sorry about that, Alexa.”
She let down her tough guard and, for a second, I saw a vulnerable side of her that I’d never seen before. “That’s okay. I took what I could get from you.”
Luckily, the mechanic showed up quicker than expected and ended our little heart to heart. After I showed him the broken gauge and ran though a checklist of other questions, I was done and released from my duty. Alexa and I disembarked, and we headed into the terminal and began our walk to the airport exit.
As we made our way through the concourse, my mind was racing. Was this the right way to go about making myself feel like the old me again? Mindless screwing with a co-worker? Why did it feel wrong now? Kendall was gone, it had been more than eleven months, and there was no reason for me to stay faithful to a ghost.
As we passed a Hudson News stand, I thought I actually saw a ghost. A woman was browsing magazines, her back facing me, but from behind she looked exactly like Kendall. My heartbeat started to accelerate more in that quick flash than it had in a long time. Seeing the ghost of Kendall had me more worked up than the thought of what I was about to do with Alexa. I stared at the woman as we passed. Realizing she was wearing a flight attendant’s uniform for a sister airline, National Elite, I felt deflated and forced myself to look away. I was really starting to lose my mind.