“How was that?”
“Just as Kendall had warned me, Cass showed up. She worked the flight and told me she needed to talk to me about something important once we landed. After we got to Brazil, she told me everything…that she was pregnant and carrying my baby.”
“What was your reaction?”
“I was despondent, too heartbroken to even think about the big picture. At that point, all I could think about was losing Kendall. Nothing else mattered. I told Cass I would help support the baby if it turned out to be mine, but that I wouldn’t be able to give her anything more. I made it clear I would insist on a blood test once the baby was born.”
“Was she okay with that?”
“She wasn’t happy with my lack of interest or excitement, but there was nothing I could do to change that. I didn’t want that life with her. All I cared about was Kendall and had no energy to deal with anything else.”
“What ever became of Kendall?”
“I wish I knew.”
She looked stunned. “You don’t know?”
“To this day, I don’t know. She said she planned to go along with the insemination, but whether she really followed through is a mystery.”
“Have you tried calling her?”
“Yes. Several times. She either disconnected her phone or changed her number, but I haven’t gotten through. I remember her telling me her mother’s name once. I mailed a letter to an Annabelle Sparks in Dallas but still don’t know if it ever got to Kendall. I can’t find her on social media. I don’t know what else to do, or if she even wants to see me if I did locate her.”
Dr. Lemmon jotted down some notes before looking back up at me. “Tell me what happened…with the baby.”
“I was at the hospital when he was born. She named him Aidan. I didn’t know how to feel, because a part of me still didn’t believe he was mine. At the same time, I felt guilty for not feeling more.”
“Is he yours?”
“Two weeks after he was born, she finally had the blood test done. The days waiting for the results were torture.”
“And?”
“He’s not my son.” I let out a long breath. Anytime I relived that moment of truth, I couldn’t help feeling the same relief as the first time all over again.
Dr. Lemmon repositioned herself in her seat. “Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“How did you feel about that?”
“It was an odd mix of anger and relief—relief because it absolved me of any responsibility in a situation I never chose, but anger because of all that I’d lost as a result. Things I can never get back.”
The woman I’d never get back.
The family I’d never get back.
The life I’d never get back.
“What has your life been like since finding out the truth?”
“It hasn’t changed much, to be honest. Working as many hours as I can. Going through the motions. What I’ve always done.”
“You use your job as a means to hide from your demons. First it was Lucy. Now it’s Kendall.”
I raised my voice in defense. “What do you suggest I do?”
Aren’t I paying you to tell me what the fuck to do?
“Until you know what’s become of Kendall, you won’t find that inner peace. Coming here was a good first step, but there is nothing I can do to keep this from haunting you.”
“I told you. I tried to contact her. I don’t know where she is.”
“You said you have a potential address in Texas. Why not go there, see if you can find out what’s happening in her life?”
I couldn’t bring myself to respond, even though I knew the truth; I was scared shitless. Scared of what she’d been through, scared of upsetting her, scared of the unknown. One thing was for certain; if I knew she wanted to see me, I would be there in a heartbeat.
THE THERAPY SESSION had left me drained. Instead of feeling better, it felt like the floodgates guarding my sanity had burst open.
That night, back at my condo in Boca, I was hanging up my uniforms that I’d picked up from the dry cleaner when my eyes landed on white fur at the back corner of my closet. It was exactly where I’d tossed it away months ago.
I’d bought a teddy bear in Venezuela and planned to give it to Kendall if she’d taken me up on my offer. I took the bear and stared at it as I sat on the edge of my bed.
“I should have tossed you in the trash. Then, I wouldn’t have to look at you right now.”
Great. Now, I was talking to inanimate objects.
“What do you think? Should I go to Texas? Try to find her?”
You’re fucking nuts, Carter.
“What do I have to lose? I’ve lost everything, right?”