I wanted her to belong to me and only me.
I didn’t want her to carry some other man’s baby. No fucking way.
I wanted her to carry my baby.
Not just because of some crazy inheritance shit, but because I wanted a baby with her—a future with her.
While having a baby right now wasn’t ideal, there was no doubt that I wanted it. So, given the urgent situation, why wait?
Lucy.
That was all I could think of. It was the fear of hurting Kendall, like I’d hurt Lucy. It lingered like a black cloud over me—that fear of letting Kendall down. It was ever present, but damn it, it wasn’t strong enough to overshadow my need for her—my love for her.
This situation was all or nothing.
Now or never.
I wanted time with her for myself, but I also had to respect her deadline. She would lose everything if we didn’t act fast. No matter what happened, it was win-win as far as I was concerned. I made enough to support both of us even if the money were to fall through in the event we had a girl. The thought of a little blonde version of Kendall who called me Daddy made me smile. I wanted to do this. I wanted to father her baby.
Our baby.
My heart started to pound. “I love you, Kendall.” The words came out easy. It was the first time I’d ever said them to anyone but Lucy and my immediate family
She turned to me, looking stunned as she lifted her hand to her forehead to shield her eyes from the bright sunlight.
I continued, “Before you say anything back, I have a lot more I need to say.”
“Okay,” she whispered.
“This is crazy, right? Falling in love so fast? But I’m convinced that’s how it happens when it’s the real thing. You just know when it feels right. Kendall, you make me so incredibly happy. And while ideally, I’d want you all to myself for a while, I understand that loving someone also means taking their needs into consideration.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I don’t want to share you with anyone. That goes for your body, too. I don’t want you carrying another man’s baby. I want to be the one. I want to get you pregnant. But more than that, I want to be a father to that baby, to love it, because it would be a part of you and me. I want it all with you. I don’t care if we’ve known each other ten minutes or ten years. When you know, you know.” Cupping her face in my hand, I said, “I know where my head and my heart are. They’re on the same page, but I guess you have to figure out whether you want the same things I do.”
She leaned in and planted a soft kiss on my lips. “I love you, too, Carter. I really do. I have no doubts about that, but I really wasn’t expecting you to offer what you just did. Having a baby is one thing, but raising it is another. I guess you’ve just given me another thing to think long and hard about.”
An intense relief coursed through my veins, relief that she didn’t tell me I was crazy, relief that she seemed to be considering my offer.
“You don’t think I’m nuts for wanting to knock you up?”
“Isn’t this whole situation nuts to begin with…in a good way? Anyway, if I didn’t know you so well, maybe it would seem a little nuts. But you’re my loveable, crazy captain, and nothing about our entire experience together has been conventional. Not one single thing.”
“Believe me, I’m scared. I never want to let you down like I let Lucy down. But I think for the first time in my life, something has mattered enough for me to take a chance. I’m way more terrified of losing you than I ever could be of trying and failing. And I can assure you that if we had a child together and somehow ended up apart, I would never turn my back on my kid. There is nothing more important than a child or their best interests. That baby—our baby—will be my priority. If that means finding another career because you can’t handle me being away, then so be it.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to do that, Carter.”
“Well, I guess I just want to drive the point home, that I take this very seriously.”
“Understood.” She looked up the sky. “Would you mind if we left the beach? I’d really just like to spend the last couple of hours back at your place.”
I lifted myself off of our blanket and offered my hand to help her up. “Let’s get out of here.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon making love in my bed with a slow intensity that hadn’t existed before our talk. With my offer and admission of love, our relationship had just moved to another level, and I had to trust that her being away from me wouldn’t change anything between us.
As much as I was ready to dive head first into everything with her, there was still a small part of me that worried that today could be the last time I saw her. Crazy, right? After everything we’d been through. Maybe that was the part of me that still felt like I didn’t deserve to love this intensely when Lucy couldn’t.