“I’m sure.”
“Have there been a lot of boyfriends?”
“No, not serious ones.”
“You’ve never been in love?”
Looking over at the waves, an old familiar ache developed in my chest. It was the second time today I’d thought about Emilio. I finally answered, “Once.”
“What happened?”
It had been years since I’d opened up this old wound. This night was getting way too deep for me to handle. Still, I wanted to tell Carter everything there was to know about me; I didn’t understand where that need was coming from.
“Emilio was a ranch hand who worked on our property back when I was a teenager. We started spending a lot of time together, particularly when my parents weren’t home. We would ride the horses, talk about normal teenage things—our hopes and dreams. It was so refreshing being with him because none of our conversations had to do with money or the aristocratic lifestyle that had been shoved down my face from the time I was born. With Emilio, I was just Kendall—not some girl with money and a thousand expectations weighing her down. Talking to him and riding horses together in the wind…those were some of the best memories of my life. Whenever I was with him, I felt like my true self. I felt free.”
“From the look on your face right now, I’m getting a sense things didn’t end well.”
Shaking my head, I continued, “Emilio wasn’t exactly legal. He and his family had fled Mexico. At one point, I found out that he’d been helping take care of a sick family friend, who was also an illegal alien. He never once asked me for help, Carter. I had to beg him to let me help him.”
“What did you do?”
“She was a middle-aged woman. Her name was Wanda, and she suffered from polycystic kidney disease, needing constant dialysis to live. She was getting weaker by the day. We had this old guesthouse on the property. I snuck her in there, basically gave her food and shelter, tried to take care of her as best as possible. But what she really needed was a new kidney. She had a family member who was willing to donate one, but they couldn’t afford the surgery.”
“That was really nice of you to take care of her like that.“
“Well, it made me feel like I had a purpose for the first time in my life. Not to mention, I was falling in love with Emilio and would have done anything for him at that point.”
When I started to tear up, Carter placed his hand on my cheek. “What happened, Kendall?”
“My parents came home early from a trip one weekend and caught me in the guesthouse with Wanda and Emilio. I was begging and pleading with my father. At one point, my emotions got the best of me, and I stupidly blurted out that I was in love with Emilio. My father threatened to have them both arrested and deported.”
Carter cringed. “Did he do that?”
“When he found out about Wanda’s ailment, he calmed down a bit. But he absolutely would not accept my being with Emilio. He bargained with me. He said he would pay for Wanda’s kidney transplant, provided Emilio and Wanda never set foot on the property again and with the understanding that I never saw Emilio again.”
He blew out a long breath. “I think I know where this is going.”
“Yeah. So…I couldn’t, in good conscience, deny Wanda her life for my own selfish need to be with this boy. Emilio and I both agreed that was the way it had to be. My father made all of the arrangements, Wanda had her surgery, and I never saw Emilio again.”
“You did the right thing, Kendall.”
“I tried to find him after that, but because of his illegal status, there was no real record of him or his family. I had one address where I knew they’d stayed, but when I went there some months after the surgery, it was abandoned.” I looked up at the sky. “That’s really where the story ends.”
“I’m sorry, Perky. Thank you for sharing that with me.”
“Well, that whole experience definitely had a huge impact on my life, made me afraid to open up to anyone ever again, for fear of hurting them or getting hurt. In the years since, I’ve just learned to suppress my feelings and go with the motions.”
“Well, I’d say you did a pretty damn good job of opening up tonight, but I think we need a break.” Eventually, he stood and offered his hand. “What do you say we go get shit-faced?”
“I think that would be a perfect conclusion to our evening of confessions.”
WE WERE BOTH PRETTY DRUNK when we stumbled into our room at Maria Rosa’s that night. Carter was lying in the bed with his hands folded behind his head when I came out of the bathroom after getting changed.