This conversation is not going in a safe direction, might as well push it all the way over the edge.
“Meditation is the way I cope… with the memories.”
He looks up from the steaming pot of water to look at me. “Go on.”
“I’m not going to spill my guts to you,” I insist.
But I did spill my guts to him and he never judged me. In fact, I think my secrets made him love me more.
I slide my finger under the flap on the top of the macaroni box and discover that it’s held in place by a small piece of double-sided tape that gives easily. I lift the second flap and see a folded piece of paper. I pull it out and it’s not his handwriting. He must have had someone else write the note for him while he was in Hawaii.
If you’re reading this it means you came looking for me. First of all, thank you. I look for you everywhere, and every day I find you in the smell of the ocean, the bright ray of light that sparks on the horizon a moment before sunrise, and the laughter of strangers. Memories I can’t seem to grasp onto long enough. I’m coming back for you, but until then I wanted to give you something to show you that you still have my whole heart.
I look inside the box and see another folded piece of paper. When I pull it out, I realize it’s a folded envelope and it’s holding something much too heavy to be another note.
Chapter Forty
Claire
THE SOUND OF THE DOOR opening startles me and I drop the envelope back into the box. I look over my shoulder and Adam is looking straight at me. I stand from the chair as he walks into the kitchen. He glances at the box in my hand then looks me in the eye.
“Did you open it?”
“I opened the box.”
“And the envelope?”
“Not yet.”
He reaches for the box and I’m too stunned to stop him as he takes it from my hand and places it on the counter. “You don’t have to open it.”
“You don’t want me to open it?”
He sees the note he had someone write for him clutched in my hand and he looks conflicted. “I was so sure you’d come here. Now I’m not sure of anything.”
He stares at the box of macaroni on the counter for a moment before he picks it up. He pulls the envelope out of the box and looks me in the eye.
“What I do know is that I’ve never met anyone like you. My mom told me what she said to you the day we visited my uncle’s ranch.”
I think back to that day and remember how Adam’s mother asked me to keep my heart open when Adam opened his heart to me. What she meant was, “Please don’t judge him when he tells you what happened to Myles.” Once Adam confessed his secret to me, I got the feeling that other girls may not have been as understanding as I was. But how could I not be.
“What your mother said to me had nothing to do with the way I reacted to what you told me.”
“I know, but I want you to know that you’re the first girl to know all my secrets. And you’re the only girl I want to share my secrets with.”
He rips open the envelope and my heart races as I anticipate what is about to drop out of it.
“Thinking of you with Chris kills me. I drove for a long time before I ended up on Shell Island and I sat there on the sand for a while thinking of what I would do if I were you.” His eyes penetrate me and I hold my breath as I wait for his response. “That was difficult. But then I forced myself to think of what I would do without you. And that was worse.”
He upends the envelope and a ring drops into the palm of his hand. It’s a silver band with a princess cut diamond. My heart is in my throat and I grab the back of the dining chair next to me to steady myself.
“This isn’t an engagement ring,” he quickly clarifies as he places the empty envelope and the box of macaroni on the counter.
He holds the ring between his thumb and forefinger and I’m mesmerized by the way it sparkles in the harsh kitchen lighting.
“What is it?” I ask and he finally smiles.
“It’s my promise to never leave you again.”
His smile fades a little as he waits for my response.
“I want that ring. I want to put it on and wrap my arms around you and never let go.” He closes his eyes because he knows what’s coming. “I’m sorry, Adam. I just can’t trust myself to make a sound decision right now. I love you,” I say as I grab his face so he looks at me. “I do love you. You believe me, don’t you?”
The look in his eyes is pure heartbreak. I stand on my tiptoes and throw my arms around his neck, but he doesn’t hug me back.
“Adam, please believe me. I have never met anyone like you, either. What you and I have is so different and so fucking amazing.”