“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I whisper into her ear and she whimpers. “The biggest mistake you made was loving me enough to let me go. I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
We talk for a few more hours and, though the subject of what went on while we were apart is a tough subject to discuss, I can’t help but feel like this is the happiest I’ve been in a very long time. It’s after three a.m. when we realize we’re both too tired to carry on. She folds down her blanket and I know she’s inviting me into her bed for the first time in nearly fifteen months.
I slide in next to her and we lay in silence for a moment, just staring at the ceiling, before she speaks. “Thank you for coming. I so needed this.”
“So did I.”
I turn my head through the darkness and glimpse a smile. I kiss her temple and she turns her back to me.
Turning onto my side, I lean forward and whisper in her ear. “Goodnight, Claire-bear.”
I lay a soft kiss on her earlobe and she pulls my arm around her waist before we fall asleep.
Chapter Thirty
Claire
I WAKE WITH MY HEAD on Chris’s chest and my arm draped over his belly. His shirt is off. He must have taken it off in the middle of the night because it was super hot in here. I peel my cheek away from his chest and find him awake.
“Good morning,” he whispers.
I glance down at his legs to make sure he’s still wearing pants and I’m relieved to see his jeans. As my gaze follows the thin line of hair under his belly button up his torso and over his chest, a new tattoo catches my eye.
“When did you get that?” I ask unable to tear my eyes away from it.
The letters CC are interlocked, one facing forward and one facing backward. Both the Cs are twisted through the letter A. All the letters are covered in thorny vines that drip with blood.
He places his fingers under my chin and tilts my face up. “I got it when I was in London a few weeks ago. I got it for you.”
I glance at Senia’s bed and it’s empty. “Where did she go?”
“She left a few minutes ago to meet her mom for brunch.”
Chris and I are alone. On a Sunday. And all my studying is done. Nothing good can come of this.
“I need you to leave,” I say as I sit up on my knees.
“Why?”
“Because.” I close my eyes so I don’t have to see that disappointed look on his face. “I’m afraid of what will happen if you stay.”
I feel him sit up so I open my eyes. He’s leaning against the wall behind my bed. I have no headboard and I try not to think of how convenient this was when Adam and I spent the weekends in this bed.
“Why are you afraid? It’s not like I’m some guy you picked up at a club. I’m not a one-night-stand. I’m your first love and the father of your child. And I’m in love with you.”
I swallow hard and try to catch my breath. “I can’t do this.”
“Come here,” he says, beckoning me into his arms.
I shake my head and he purses his lips. “Claire. Don’t make me tickle you. I still know your spot.”
I roll my eyes and he takes the opportunity to catch me off my guard and pull me toward him. I laugh as I attempt to get away, but he quickly and lightly digs his fingers into the soft flesh just below my ribs and I bellow with laughter.
“Stop!” I shriek.
He laughs as he grabs both sides of my waist and pulls me on top of him so I’m straddling his hips. We stare at each other for a moment. I don’t know what he’s thinking about, but I’m thinking of that kiss we shared yesterday. I just want to feel that way again. Like nothing has changed.
He grabs my face and pulls my lips to his. “I love you,” he says into my mouth between kisses. “I love you so fucking much.”
I’m so lost. This is wrong. I would lose my mind if Adam knew what I was doing right now. But I don’t want to stop. I want to kiss Chris. I want to feel like things can be this good again. I want to feel this good forever.
He pulls back and looks me in the eye. “I want you so bad right now. I want to make love to you, Claire.”
His hand traces the curve of my jaw and I sigh as my heart races. I’ve missed his touch, electric on my skin. This is what I dreamed of almost every night for a year before I met Adam. Even now, after learning Adam’s ways, becoming accustomed to his kiss and his intensity, I still crave the familiarity of Chris.
I shake my head as I pull away. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I just don’t know what I want right now and I don’t want to hurt you—” or Adam, “again.”
He nods solemnly, but I can feel the disappointment rolling off of him. “We don’t have to make love. I just want to be here with you.”