She sounds like a child when she says this, fragile and frightened of what awaits her. I know we have to end this conversation before I change my mind, but I can’t bear the thought of hanging up the phone. She has to be the one to say goodbye first.
“Can I tell you a secret?” I say, trying to keep my voice from wavering. “I chose to move in to Cora’s building because of you.” She lets out a soft whimpering sound and I continue. “I drove down Lumina a few times searching for rental signs and I spotted you walking home from work. You were pretty lost in thought, like you were carrying the world on your shoulders. You reminded me of Victoria, like you just needed someone to be there, completely, but everybody was gone. Now I realize why you looked like that.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re the one who was gone.” I listen for a few minutes as she cries softly. When she’s finally quiet, I speak up. “I love you. Do you believe me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you believe me when I say that I would never do anything to hurt you?”
“Adam, you’re not hurting me, you are killing me right now.”
“Please don’t say that.”
“It doesn’t matter. This was inevitable. And I totally get why you’re doing this, so you don’t have to keep trying to make me feel better about it. I know you wouldn’t do this unless you truly believed it was for the best. I just happen to disagree with you on what’s best for me.”
I pull the pillow out from under my head and throw it onto the floor as I lie back on the mattress and stare at the ceiling through the darkness. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure you get the future you deserve, babe. Even this.”
She lets out a loud sigh. “I guess I should let you go so you can get some rest or train for your competition or whatever it is you’re going to do now that you’re free.”
“I’m just going to lie here and regret this for a while before I go to the beach.”
“I’m going to get ready for class and try not to think of dozens of ways of murdering you.”
I chuckle, but it’s a weak laugh, weighed down by this impending sense of sorrow. “Before you start plotting my death, can I tell you a blonde joke?” She sniffs loudly and I know she’s crying again. “Why did the blonde get excited after she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months?” I wait a moment, but she doesn’t ask why. “Because the box said 2-4 years.”
She lets out a congested chuckle. “Oh, God. I can’t believe this is happening.”
“I’ll be back in less than two months.”
“I have to go.”
Before I can respond, she hangs up. The silence left in the wake of this conversation is louder than the crash of a thirty-foot wave. It presses in on me and I hold my breath as I wait for a sound, any sound, to break the silence. But I’m all alone here.
I get out of bed and head for the garage where I wax my surfboard for far too long, lost in the rasping noise as I rub the wax back and forth over the surface. It doesn’t take long to realize this is just the first hour in a series of hours that I will have to fill with things that don’t involve Claire. Knowing that she was waiting for me to come back was all that kept me going these past few days.
At least Remmy will get here soon and I can throw myself into training. Remmy will kick my ass and pretty soon I’ll be too exhausted to think. And if that doesn’t work to shut off my mind, then I’ll have to consider the possibility that I made a huge mistake. Then I’ll consider going back.
Chapter Twenty-One
Claire
I SQUEEZE MY FIST TIGHTLY around the heart-shaped locket dangling from my neck. I have a strong urge to rip it off and chuck it across the room, but something stops me. Instead, I lie down on my side and curl my knees up. It doesn’t take long before the bed squeaks behind me and Senia wraps her arm around my waist.
She doesn’t say anything. She just lets me cry.
I sometimes wonder why Senia has stuck with me through the chaos of the last year.
After a while, she finally speaks. “You have to go to class. My class doesn’t start till ten. I can sit in with you for a while if you want. Even if it’s just so I can raise my hand to make sure Mr. Collins never calls on you.”
“I wish I could laugh.”
“Come on, it will be fun to watch me get all the answers wrong. You can even record me and put it on YouTube.
“I can’t go.”
“Okay. We’ll both stay here today.”
“No, you have to go. I know you have a test today in Bromley’s class.”