And that’s not fair.
That seems to be the status quo for my life, though.
“You’re being manipulative,” I grumble.
I expect him to smirk or something, but the genuine look he gives me hurts just a little bit more. Damn it. Damn him. Damn all of them.
“I’m not. I’m just finally being honest with myself and with you.” He blows out a heavy breath. “If you’d have left me after I finally had you, it would have destroyed me.”
My heart clenches in my chest, and I stare ahead.
“It wouldn’t have mattered. We couldn’t have been together. I was hurt. I was damaged. Still am. It is what it is, Chase.”
It gets harder to breathe when he moves to be behind me, and his hands slide up my arms, resting on my shoulders before moving back down in a slow, soothing motion. He repeats the process, finding a rhythm, and my breaths grow heavier when he leans his face into my neck.
When his breath fans against my skin, I close my eyes and curse myself for being weak as I lean against him.
“In some way, everyone is damaged,” he states so naively.
I snort, trying not to laugh. It’s a sad laugh I’m restraining.
“I’ve been living by your rules since you left,” he says suddenly, surprising me.
My eyes fly open, and my entire body tenses. I try to speak, but no words form.
“I went to see Dr. Stein,” he goes on. “Explained to her the special case my girlfriend has.” He grins against my neck before kissing a small patch of skin. “I’m currently renting my tat shop to an old friend of mine. I no longer have a schedule. I haven’t had to check off a single box in five weeks.”
My eyes close again, and a single tear escapes.
“You can’t give up your shop,” I whisper.
“Already have.”
“No,” I snap, trying to wrench away, but there’s nowhere to go, since there’s a large drop from my seat to the ground, and he’s surrounding every other escape. “I refuse to let you give up your damn dreams for me.”
An embarrassing squeal escapes me when I’m suddenly being lifted and spun around, until two blue eyes holding grim determination are staring into mine. Chase steps between my legs, and his hands settle on the railing on either side of my hips. I’m forced to grab his shoulders to keep my balance, which brings us even closer.
“My dreams were to run a damn bowling alley with the only girl I’ve ever loved. She was insanely beautiful, passionate, completely spontaneous, and fucking perfect. So, if you’re interested on making my dreams come true…”
He lets his words trail off as a smirk begins to play on his lips.
“I’m not—”
“You’re not beautiful?” he muses, making a show of raking his eyes over me. “Tell that to my body that appreciates the way you’ve changed. You’re not passionate? You should feel the way you kiss or read what you write. You’re not completely spontaneous? That’s not even up for debate. You’re still fucking perfect, Mika. I’m just asking for a chance for us to work together. That’s it. Just a chance.”
I really hate how easy it is to forget the disaster we are.
“Just a chance is dangerous for me,” I remind him. “Emotions are… They’re a fucking wild card from hell, Chase. I… I lost it. Something as simple as a shift in plans sent me spiraling into the madness so deep that I destroyed my brother all over again. My brother isn’t even allowed to show me physical affection. Do you know that? Seven years. I went seven years without any physical harm to myself. Do you understand?”
He doesn’t look the least bit deterred. If anything, he looks like he’s even more steadfast than before. So I simplify what I’m saying.
“I’m a fucking psycho,” I add, watching his lips twitch like he finds it humorous.
“You’re not psycho. How long are we going to do this dance before I convince you to come back?”
“Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to keep saying no?” I groan.
“Then say yes,” he chirps, grinning like this is a game to him. Just his smile makes me stupidly smile back.
It takes a very, very large effort, but I mask my features once again when I see too much triumph in his eyes. This is a one-way road to fucked-up-ville, and there isn’t much of a chance for return for him.
“You’re still in love with the girl you knew, Chase. Yes, I agree that this argument is getting tired, but I’m not that girl anymore. Stop. Just stop,” I say quietly, leaning forward to rest my head on his chest again when staring into his eyes becomes too hard.
His arms wrap around me, and his hand slides up and down my back, a soothing motion that feels too good. I just got over the need for physical contact… Or at least I thought I did. I’m soaking it in right now like I can’t get enough, even though I should be putting distance between us.
“You’re the only person who makes me feel anything,” he says so quietly that I almost don’t hear it.
A tear escapes my eye, and I squeeze my eyes shut in protest of the other tears that want to join the escapee.
“I fucked up once and let you go. Then I lived with a hole inside of me, Mika. Yeah, I know that’s cliché and cheesy, but it’s the truth. Then you came back, and I stopped surviving and felt like I was finally living. You’re still it for me. I’m not letting you go again.”
“I have so many limitations,” I admit, still trying to talk him out of this. It’s insane. “I don’t even know how to ride a bike anymore.”
“I guess it’s a good thing I outgrew my bike,” he says dryly.
I laugh and groan at the same time, and he kisses the top of my head.
“My mind only works well if I’m not agitated. Normal people get agitated in a good relationship. Do you understand I could go loco at the slightest thing?”
“You’re sexy when you’re crazy.”
I lean back and glare up at him as he smirks down at me.
“I’m literally crazy now. And this isn’t a joke.”
His smirk vanishes.
“You’re not crazy. There’s a difference in a brain injury and being crazy. But I wouldn’t give a damn if you were certifiably insane—”
“I was at one time,” I interrupt, but he goes on as though I haven’t said anything.
“I don’t care if you put ice cream in the cabinet instead of the freezer. I don’t care if you can’t ride a fucking bike or bowl. I don’t care if you have to break shit on occasion. I don’t give a damn about all the things you have to do to cope. It’s not a sacrifice, Mika. At all.”
I study his eyes, and he moves closer, sliding his hands around my back, sparking so many feelings and desires I’ve tried to ignore.
“And what happens when I push myself too far and end up in the ER again?” I ask in a broken tone as I fight back tears.
“I have an idea, actually. But we’ll get to that later. The point is, you’re getting better and better. Dr. Stein will help us adjust, and we’ll figure it out. All relationships have hurdles. This one is ours.”
I laugh humorlessly as he grins, but in the next breath, I’m not laughing, because he crushes my lips in a surprise attack. My eyes close as his tongue slides across the seam of my lips, and my lips part for him, giving him the opening he seeks.
Heat flows through my body, and my heart pounds harder as he kisses me stupid, making me forget. My hands slide up and tangle in his hair, pulling him even closer as his grip gets tighter, more demanding.
He lifts me away from the rail, and my legs fasten around his waist as he carries me into the house. I’m only so strong.
He kisses me like he’s scared to pull back, afraid I’m going to disappear if he does, and I kiss him back with the same fear. We’ve gone through hell on our own, but I’m scared of going through hell together.
He makes some sexy, guttural noise low in his throat, and I shudder against him as he struggles to keep from bumping into the walls. I grin against his lips when he curses a table that hits his knee.
His lips come back to mine, hungrily devouring me in a way that makes my mind blank once again. Between his sounds and mine, the room is being christened with sexy.
When my back thumps against the wall, I grin again. We’re not going to make it to a bed.
He puts me down, and my shorts are getting jerked away before I even realize he’s broken the kiss.
“Get naked,” he says while ripping his shirt over his head.
Like the fool I am, I giggle. And of course I also get naked.
Chapter 52
CHASE
I’m still stripping out of my jeans, when Mika reaches for the back of my neck, pulling me back in for another kiss. My hands go to her waist, gripping her close, as I kick out of my jeans the rest of the way. I’m really fucking thankful I skipped shoes this morning.
There’s so much I want to say, but I continue kissing her instead of risking saying the wrong thing. I hope she doesn’t think this is a small moment of weakness. This is it. This is her giving herself over to me whether she admits it or not.
Plan B involves rope, a cabin in the woods, and a few felony charges for kidnapping and all that.
She moans into my mouth as I lift her, and I consider taking her against the wall when her bare legs come back around my waist. Fuck that. I want a bed with her under me so I can take my time.