Perfect Chaos(21)

He reached over and ruffled my hair. “Blue? A reason for that?”

There was always a reason for my actions. “Tristan likes blue.”

“Ah, the coffee shop guy. I assume he is one of your … tasks?” I nodded. “You get a date yet? Looked like something was happening … before Deck came in.”

The way he ground out Deck’s name made my back stiffen as my protectiveness over Deck came surging to the surface. I didn’t react, though. Drunk Georgie would’ve, but I wasn’t her right now. I had learned to control my emotions and my tongue when need be. “Got his number. Date pending.”

“Better be careful with that one. Something odd about him, the way he watches you. Don’t think the alcohol thing will work.”

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Tristan had smarts, wealth and when he looked at me, it was like he knew exactly what I did. Of course, he didn’t, but I knew he wasn’t a pussy like Lionel. He radiated prowess and that had me handling him a little differently.

Tanner reached over and took my hand. “I know today is tough for you, but you need to do this, Georgie.”

I slipped my hand from his and looked out the side window, watching as the pine trees zipped by. Yes, I did know. If I didn’t, the emotions would slowly creep back in. “Don’t call me that.”

I was tense and uncertain. I almost didn’t come here last year, but Tanner showed up to bring me and my indecision was quickly expunged. This was the only thing that helped release all the pent-up emotions I kept hidden about my past, about my secrets.

The leather on the steering wheel cracked under his hands. “I fuckin’ hate this. It’s like delivering the lamb to slaughter.”

I huffed. “I’m not a lamb, Tanner. Far from it.”

“Yeah, well, you are today.”

Yes. Vulnerable and alone with my pain. But, it could never end. I needed this reminder of what was done to me. I wanted to feel the pain today so I could walk away and live tomorrow without those emotions. It was dangerous and risky for all of us if I couldn’t keep what I was doing a secret.

“If he ever found out …”

I knew exactly who he was talking about—Deck. “I told you before. I’ll never tell him, and he won’t find out.” Tanner was always worried Deck would find out and then … well, I wasn’t really sure what would happen, but I was warned by him that Deck’s life was ‘fragile’. Kind of contradictory to who Deck was, but I knew that wasn’t an idle threat. That made me really careful as to how I lived each day. The thing was, this year would be a little trickier with Vic on my ass.

“We’ll need a cover.”

Tanner nodded. “Yeah. He has an idea that fits with your … drinking. Shouldn’t be an issue.”

I tapped my fingers on my thighs, not saying anything.

“I don’t like him.”

“I know.” Tanner had issues with Deck and wanted me to break away from him. Considering Deck and I had the same friends, it wasn’t so simple. Besides, letting go of Deck was like chopping off a limb; I could do it, and I sure as hell didn’t want to. Tanner didn’t understand, so I tried to keep Deck-talk to a minimum with him.

Tanner nodded, but I could see the flicker of irritation on his face. He was good at what he did, but I’d known Tanner practically my whole life, and he gave away his emotions with his breathing patterns. If he was pissed off, it slowed. Worried, it became arrhythmic. Calm, it was regular, but deep.

The tires hit gravel and Tanner turned into a long, narrow pathway, which didn’t look like much except a deer trail. My heart pounded and I felt the tremors in my body. It knew what was coming; the thing was I wasn’t sure if it came from fear or relief. I never did.

He stopped the car in front of a barbed-wire gate and jumped out, unlocked it and pushed it open. Tanner got back in and looked over at me then down at my hands that were wrung together.

Fuck. I quickly laid them flat on my thighs, feeling the heat leaking into my skin through my jeans.

Silence.

He reached toward me and tucked my hair behind my ear, his fingers lingering there a few seconds longer than what a friend might do. Then he sighed, threw the car in gear and drove up to the old, metal shack with the leaky roof. When it rained on the day I came here, it sucked because the pain was unbearable with my skin wet and cold.

“Georgie—” He stopped abruptly when I glared at him. He couldn’t call me that … not here. “Chaos, maybe if you let me do it again then—”

“No.” My voice trembled and it pissed me off because Tanner heard it. The first time I came here, Tanner had been the one to do this to me.