“But we have been.”
“Yes. And that’s the problem … isn’t it?”
“It is,” he answered gently.
“I’m so sorry.” Misery twisted her face. She rose and gazed down at him with wounded eyes. “I’m leaving tomorrow, Sunchaser. I can find Otter Clan Village by myself. That way, you won’t have to worry about… a-about anything. I want you to go back to Dreaming. I have the feeling that that’s the only thing that’s really important. And I’ve been keeping you from it. I know that. I regret it very much. Please, don’t hate me for … distracting you.”
“Kestrel, I told you, I don’t—”
As quick as Pine Marten with Coyote in pursuit, she turned and ran. He had to pitch himself on his stomach and make a mad grab to seize the fringes of her hem and halt her flight. She stopped, but made a soft, dismayed sound.
He tugged lightly. “Kestrel?”
When she didn’t turn to look at him, he pulled harder, making her stumble backward.
“Sunchaser, please! Let me go.”
“No. I can see that you’re right. We need to talk. Sit down here beside me…. Please?”
She walked back and stiffly fell to her knees. A grudging action. She refused to meet his eyes, keeping her gaze fixed instead on the sand. Starlight edged the high curve of her cheeks with silver and glimmered in the windblown wisps of her long hair.
“Sort of a half-sit, eh?” he said.
“I’m here.”
“Yes. You are.” He let go of her dress and gave her leg a comforting pat. “Thank you.”
Drawing up both knees, he wrapped his arms around them. “I’d like to be honest with you. Would it be all right if I am?”
“I would appreciate it very much.”
He filled his lungs with air and let it out slowly, girding himself against his own foolishness. What could he say that wouldn’t hurt her? And how should he say it? Kestrel appeared to have stopped breathing.
“This is difficult for me,” he began. “I’m—”
“I know you’re upset, Sunchaser. And I know I’m the reason. All day long, I’ve been wishing I were dead so I wouldn’t be causing you this pain.”
A stinging sensation lanced his soul. No, Kestrel. Never say that. Looking at her young guilt-ravaged face, he felt very, very old, and a little wistful for days long ago, before he became a Dreamer. A tender ache swelled his heart. “Kestrel, I think you know that I have come to love you. But—”
“I’m sorry, Sunchaser. I never meant—”
“But that isn’t what’s worrying me,” he interrupted. He had the feeling that she might be about to embarrass herself on his account, and he couldn’t bear the thought. “I could overcome my feelings for you. At least,” he smiled wryly, “I think I could. Let’s just say that Dreamers have had thousands of cycles in which to devise ways. What worries me is that apparently I’m supposed to feel this way about
you.” He waited for bewildered questions, or a surprised silence.
She lifted her eyes and stared at him with unnerving calm. “Why?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I thought such things were bad for Dreamers.”
“Usually they are. Some Dreamers can manage responsibilities to both family and Power, but they’re very rare.”
Kestrel shifted to sit on her left hip. She curled her knees around, then braced a hand on the sand. The concern in her voice was touching. “Sunchaser, why would Mammoth Above throw an obstacle in your path when you’re trying so hard to save her children?”
“Are you an obstacle, Kestrel?”
“What else could I be? I mean, I thought—”
“I’ve been trying to answer that question all day. Mammoth Above has gone to great lengths to assure that you and I will be together for several more days. She’s my Spirit Helper. I trust her. But I don’t understand this. The only reason I can see for Mammoth Above to chance it is that you or your daughter can help me to solve the problem I’m having with my Dreaming.” He lightly brushed his fingers over the sand that covered the toe of his right moccasin. “Forcing us together is very dangerous for Mammoth Above. She could lose me. She knows that. And I don’t think she wants to.”
The moon had risen above the dark peaks of the Mammoth Mountains. Kestrel frowned at the rings of translucent color that haloed the pale orb. Nearby clouds shimmered with a frosty iridescence. “You have been so kind to us, Sunchaser. I would do anything to help you. But I … I don’t know how I can help you Dream. And Cloud Girl is just a baby. What could she do?”