People of the Owl(106)
She evaded giving an answer. “Does it bother you that people think you’re a fool?”
“No one wants to be thought of as a fool. They just don’t understand, that’s all.”
“Why don’t you do something about it?”
“What? Change myself. Try to be White Bird? I can’t be like him. He was who he was. I have to be who I am. Not only that, it’s not worth it. I won’t give up Power just so that people will like me.”
“What do you mean, give up Power?”
She could see the reservation return, and he said nothing, eyes on the heron, who had stepped farther away.
“Is that why you spend so much time with the Serpent? He’s teaching you the ways of Power?”
Salamander shrugged. She could sense that she was losing him again, so, after a pause, she said, “You are right. About souls, I mean, and what they need for food. When I go to sleep at night, I don’t feel very good about myself.” She felt nervous as she added, “I am usually too exhausted to think about anything but who did what to whom. I repeat conversations from earlier in the day and worry about what I should have said. Sometimes I repeat them over and over, as if I’m practicing conversations that are forever gone. That or I worry about all of the things I didn’t get done or have to do the next day.” She made a face. “So, no, by your standards I guess I don’t go to bed happy.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Why should you be concerned about what I feel?”
“Because, like me, you are trapped. You didn’t want this any more than I did.”
“Would you change it?”
He turned then, a warmth in his eyes that made her heart skip. “Oh, indeed I would.”
“But you are Speaker for your clan? You are Owl Clan’s leader! People look up to you. You are one of the most important men in the world. There are only six Speakers, and you are one of them. Do you expect me to believe that you would give that up?”
“In a heartbeat.”
“To do what?”
As he considered, she watched his gentle eyes, seeing the complexity, the turmoil behind them. Something about him sent a shiver through her, as if for the first time she could see the depth and breadth of his souls. No man had ever looked at her with such infinite patience and understanding. Snakes, he was three summers younger than she was, but that look sent a tingle through her souls. Did Power really possess him?
“I would ease other people’s souls,” he finally answered. “I want to learn all the hidden things. I want to know how a firefly glows without getting hot. How snakes move without feet. Why ants can carry things that are bigger than they are.”
“And why bears don’t have tails?”
“Yes!”
She laughed for the first time. “And how mushrooms can grow without roots?”
Frightened by their rising voices, the heron leaped into the air, flapping away on liquid wings.
“Mushrooms don’t have roots? That’s one I have never thought of,” Salamander remarked thoughtfully.
“Hanging moss doesn’t have roots either,” she told him, smiling. “Why not? It’s a plant, too.”
“See! There are so many things. Everywhere you look there is a mystery hidden, and it’s so wonderful. Why is it that some people never seem to grasp the wonder?” His expression saddened.
“What?”
“Mother never understood.”
After an awkward pause, she said, “I think you have had a lot of nights when you didn’t go to bed happy either, Salamander.”
That shy smile slipped past his lips. “Perhaps not. But I have learned to live with it. I cherish the memories. Like today, just now, watching the heron. Talking with you like this. After a day of dealing with Mother, I take them out, share them.”
“Share them? With whom?”
He just smiled wistfully.
“Do you hate her?”
“Who, Mother? No. I know who she is, who she had to be for the clan and the People. I understand what it meant to her. I don’t think she can stand the pain anymore.”
“Is she all right?”
“No. I’m worried about her.”
“People are talking.”
He nodded, obviously unwilling to discuss it.
Did she dare? Was this the right moment?
“What does Jaguar Hide want from Owl Clan?”
She saw the change in his eyes, felt the coolness as he straightened and picked up the paddle. “We’d better be getting back.”
“Are you going to meet with him?”
“The Clan Elder will give him safe passage.”
“For what? Why would he—”
“I have to be getting back. I’m sure that you have clan business to attend to.”