People of the Moon(84)
“Over and over, you ask yourself, ‘What will they do to me when they come again?”’
“You believe you failed?”
“I would have done whatever they wished.” He wept. “I would have betrayed Cold Bringing Woman.”
“Ah, so that is why you wish to let go of life.”
“I would have given up.”
“But you didn’t.”
“Didn’t, would have, isn’t it the same thing?”
“You don’t understand what you have learned.”
“I learned that I would have failed.”
“That may or may not be correct. You learned that success is never guaranteed. Even with the best intentions, the utmost honor, and courage, we are ultimately frail. Knowing how much burden you can bear keeps you from overloading your pack. The arrogance of your convictions has been tempered. You will not demand of others what you yourself cannot withstand.”
“How can I trust myself?”
“That is for you to answer. You are being tested, hunter. Your souls are hovering close to your body, unsure of your resolve to live. You were sent to me for judgment.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Cold Bringing Woman asked me to determine if you are worthy. cannot tell. Your souls are hovering between commitment and defeat. Your body, despite its wounds, craves life. The hunger of its yearning is so great it consumes your souls. If it is your wish to save your body, you may return to it. If you do, you will be desperate to flee as far as you can from the First People and their wrath.”
“If I do that, I will have betrayed Cold Bringing Woman.”
“She knew the risks when she first revealed herself to you.”
“Is there another way?”
“I can set your souls free. Give them time away from your body. Once lost in the darkness of the Dream, they can choose, free from the body’s selfish cravings. You will be isolated from the pain, distant from the hunger. But beware! You will be alone in the darkness. Vulnerable. Malevolent things prowl the Dream and prey on the fearful. I cannot protect you. You will have no more safety than you did at Pinnacle Great House. You could lose your souls forever, Ripple.”
“But I could keep my oath? I could serve Cold Bringing Woman?”
“If you survive the Dream. The choice is yours.”
A different fear—one worse than what he had known in the dark room at Pinnacle Great House—sent clammy fingers of unease through his souls. It would be so easy to give in to his body. He could save himself. Escape. He would never have to feel pain and fear again.
Ripple could see himself, traveling east, walking alone through green mountain meadows as his body healed. A new home could be built in the grassy flats beside the Great River.
A vision formed of his older self, his fingers caressing green corn tassels, smiling at a sun-browned woman who labored beside him in their field. His children were pulling weeds, periodically stopping to pelt each other with dirt clods.
He imagined himself lying beside his wife at night, the warmth of her body soothing his. She murmured as she turned under the blanket. Reaching down, she grasped his hard manhood, drawing his body onto hers as she opened herself to his desire.
In another vision, a soft snow fell outside their dwelling, while inside the plastered walls, a fire crackled. He could see himself, laughing and smiling, his hair whitened with age. Grandchildren shrieked in delight as his daughters dished up spicy corn cakes and handed them to him. He bit down, chewing on the flavorful meal with his remaining teeth.
“You could have these things,” the Mountain Witch’s voice intruded.
He swallowed hard, feeling the ache in his broken mouth. In the lapping heat, his mangled hand pulsed in misery. The vision promised children, grandchildren—so the wounds in his penis would heal. He would have a legacy.
“The choice is yours, Ripple.”
He remembered Cold Bringing Woman, saw again her white face, fierce red eyes, and bloodred tongue as it whipped through the chill air. Her fierce words hung like frost: Do not disappoint me!
How do I choose? What can I choose? What is a promise compared to paradise?
Do not disappoint me!
“How can I choose?” he cried, as he had on that fateful night.
In that instant he watched his other life slide away, sadness in his wife’s panicked face, his children staring at him in wide-eyed disbelief.
“Gods, no,” he whispered. “I can’t bear it.”
“I am sending your souls away now. Only when you have made your choice can they return.”
He could feel gentle fingers massaging the sides of his head. A cool sensation began to seep through his temples, and he felt himself rising, looking down to see a gray-haired old woman standing waist deep in a hot spring. His body floated before her, bathed by the warm water. He could see his swollen face and winced at the sight of his crushed hand and inflamed penis.