People of the Fire(145)

"Yes?"

"I can't tell you. Not in words that make sense. I can't say what it is to become lost in the Great Mystery, in the Creator's Dream. Words don't tell what it's like." He gestured passionately. "Like . . . like explain orgasm to a rock."

Two Smokes chuckled at Little Dancer's analogy as well as the panicked expression contorting his face.

"Don't laugh," Little Dancer protested, jumping to his feet, stalking back and forth, the panic deepening. "How do I tell people? How do I make them understand?" He whirled, pounding fists against the side of his head. "Two Smokes, I don't fit anymore. I've been beyond this world, Dreamed the One, heard the song of the stars. I've felt, felt the soul of God! Don't you understand? How can I sit down and talk about hunting ... or how big the sego lily is this year . . . or laugh at a meaningless joke or ..." He shook his head frantically. "None of it means anything to me. Don't you see? I feel like an adult—and the world around me is full of children. None of their problems are important." He dropped his head. "But they are, of course. Only, it's all illusion. Existence here, on this earth ... the reality is so different for everyone. We all make it up. Only how do I tell them?"

Two Smokes sighed and clapped his hands on his knees. "I understand."

“No, you couldn't. Not unless you Dreamed the One, Danced with—"

“Not your Dream. That's not what I mean."

Little Dancer stared at him, a hollow look in his passionate eyes.

Two Smokes filled his lungs, enjoying the feeling of life, of understanding for the first time. “I always wondered why I was chosen. Why I, a berdache, was tied to your life."

“I don't understand."

“No, I don't suppose you do. It's too new for you. You're lost, floundering in a swollen river of new experiences that's rushing you along so fast you think you're drowning. But among the Red Hand a berdache is prized. We are called mediators, living in the worlds of man and woman. But we live in two other worlds, that of Power and earth. Clear Water came to me at first because I could understand her Dreams. She could tell me what it meant and I could help her understand.

“I remember when the Dreams of Blood Bear first began to bother her. She couldn't see the sense in letting him couple with her. Even then he was a violent man. He needed to hurt her to enjoy sex, to release his seed. I couldn't understand either, but it was Power and I wouldn't ridicule her. Then when his seed caught, the Dreams changed. Clear Water came to me, telling me about how she needed to steal the Wolf Bundle, how the two of us had to run away."

Two Smokes smiled up at Little Dancer, remembering. "It was Power, and I'd come to love her by then. Of course I went with her. I could feel the edge—as I told you earlier. Ah, those days, Little Dancer. She and I walked alone—but together—and Power ebbed and flowed around us. The Wolf Bundle practically hummed with Power.

“Then you were born and we were so glad. That the first time I used the Wolf Bundle for a birth. That was the first time I felt it pulsing in my hand, and I could sense the cavern, the One, lying just beyond the ends of my r What a wondrous thing that was. So you can imagine my horror when the buffalo gored your mother and left me crippled in the dirt. What purpose could that tragedy have had?

Why take me all that way to be broken and cast down in the dirt and pain?

"Then, one night after White Calf rescued me, I swore to protect you—and I foolishly swore over the Wolf Bundle— which bound me forever."

"And you took very good care of me. I've never thanked you."

"Nor am I finished. For now, at this time of your life, I have finally become useful." He smiled, feeling the lightness. Awed, he experienced the sense of Power, of the cavern, just beyond his reach.

Little Dancer licked his lips, the question in his eyes.

"A berdache lives between the Circles—man and woman, earth and Power. For this, I have been prepared. You've seen beyond. If a man is worried about his wife coupling with another man, do you care about his dilemma? Such a concern is foolish in your eyes. You see only that the One is true. You've been beyond the difference, the I and you, the this and that of this world. The Power kept me for this moment. I am your bridge, Little Dancer. Through me, you can touch this world you call illusion. I can ease the way for you, teach you, and understand you at the same time I understand the people around you. That's why I was chosen. Only now do I understand. Only now do I see why I was led to this place to sit on this rock. Perhaps, that's why the secret of the grass evaded me until this moment. The Circle had to come full."