Swallowing, I read through a few of the emails. It seemed that Sam had moved into the community of vets and was getting the opportunity to refashion his life the way he wanted to and at his own pace. I had to blink a few times. Then I came across an email which thanked James for his generous support, and that the extra funding would be used to extend the facility to enable the charity to support another ten veterans. It confirmed that Sam had whatever support he needed for the rest of his life, and that someone would always keep in touch with him.
“Thank you.” I gave the iPad back to James and sat back again, closing my eyes. I had to think. Did he care? Or was there just so much money around that he’d done that without even thinking, just to get me to agree to his demands? Could I stay with a man who didn’t really care about anyone except himself?
Desolately, I realized that I’d have to. I didn’t really think he’d cancel Sam’s program if I left, but I knew I couldn’t live without him, and when I thought that, I was angry with myself. I’d sworn to be successful in my own right, never to be dependent. And here I was falling for a man and wanting to stay with him even if he didn’t care about me.
* * *
James sat quietly by me the whole time. He didn’t say a word to me, except when he held my wrap for me when we’d landed, and helped me into the car. The city was almost silent as we drove home, and I was so glad when I was finally climbing the stairs to my room. But as I got to the door, his arm came across me, stopping me from going through.
“You need a good night’s rest, Toni. But I don’t think you should sleep alone.” His voice was controlled, concerned. “I would like us to share a bed tonight. Yours or mine, doesn’t matter. Just to sleep.” He rested his bent head against mine. “I think you need a night-long hug.”
I blinked. Why couldn’t I tell if his concern was real? Why was I suddenly questioning everything? I shook my head, undecided.
“I wish I knew what I’d done that was so wrong, Toni. Then I could try and make things right again.” He sounded so genuine I nearly gave in. No. I had to think.
“It’s not your fault.” I didn’t know why I said that. “No. I have to think.” And I went into my room and shut the door. I leaned back against it, wondering if I had the energy to make it across to the bed. Then, without any conscious thought, I went toward the connecting door to his room. I leaned against it, so close to knocking and going in, the thought of sleeping in the safety of his arms almost overwhelming.
If I hadn’t been leaning against the door, I wouldn’t have heard him. But I was. I heard a string of muffled curses and the smash of glass. I wondered if he’d thrown it. Slowly, I turned away and lay on the bed. It should have been a wonderful day. Why had I let myself ruin it?
Ten minutes later I levered myself to sit on the edge of the bed. Slowly, I took off the earrings and the necklace, and slipped off the bracelet. I laid them on the nightstand and ran my tongue over my parched lips. I was too tired to go over to the bar fridge and get a bottle of water, so I flopped back onto the bed with a sigh. No, I couldn’t wear the dress. I’d be mortified if I tore it, so I slowly unzipped it, letting it slide down and I folded it over the back of the chair. Then, in my bra and panties, I crawled under the comforter.
Gradually, I felt sleep taking me. I’d thought I’d lay awake the rest of the night, but I could relax. I had a decision to make tomorrow, but tonight, I could sleep. And as I drifted off, I knew what the decision would be. I couldn’t go. My heart was bound up in his, and even if he didn’t love me, I wanted to be by his side.
I just had to learn not to be hurt at the times when I would see that he didn’t care.
James
I sat in my high wing-back chair, my crossed leg swinging. It wasn’t any good. Losing my temper, chucking the whiskey glass, it wouldn’t help.
What the devil had happened tonight? She’d had a wonderful time, she’d accepted that money could buy experiences denied to others and had enjoyed it anyway. Surely she hadn’t suddenly felt guilty? If I was right about that, it would’ve happened weeks ago. Or she would’ve started demanding stuff for her friends that she’d left behind.
I had to be wrong. I thought back. The atmosphere had changed about when we’d ordered dinner. I racked my brain. What was it? What?
I glanced over at the clock. I’d been here an hour. If she thought I was going to leave her tonight, she’d got another think coming. She must be asleep by now. She’d looked exhausted. I got up quietly and went to the connecting door.