"I don't know what you mean."
Buck peered down at her, studying, weighing. One corner of his lips tightened. "Yeah, you do. But whatever, if you want to make life harder on yourself, that's your business. For now, go help Perry's men set up tents."
Mentally shrugging at his dismissal, Shea moved off to help the others. Clark gave her a small smile when she grabbed the other end of the pole he was trying to lift.
"Clark," Eamon called. "Grab one of the horse's the Hawkvale brought and saddle up. We're going to do a brief recon of the immediate area."
Clark shot her a quick, concerned glance before hurrying away without a word. Shea pretended not to hear as Eamon called for Sam and Flint as well. She waited for her name to be called. She felt his eyes rest briefly on her.
"What about me?" Buck asked.
"Stay here. Keep an eye on things."
There was a slight pause and then a murmured affirmative.
Shea worked steadily, not letting herself linger on one task for too long. She kept her head down and avoided meeting anybody's eyes.
"Thanks a lot, Daisy," Buck muttered as he bent to help her carry some of the kindling she was gathering for the fire pit.
Shea frowned after him. "It's not my fault he left you behind."
Buck dropped the kindling rather loudly next to the rest and walked back to the forest line. Shea trailed behind him.
"Someone had to stay behind and keep watch on your dumb ass."
Shea was really getting tired of being called dumb. She'd had one brief moment in battle when she'd gotten lost in thought. Yes, it was admittedly not her smartest move. One that could have gotten her killed.
Regardless, she thought she'd proven by this point that she wasn't stupid. One unguarded moment shouldn't undo all of the other times she'd come through for them.
"Eamon could have taken both of us along," she pointed out coolly.
He barked a dry laugh. "Not likely. If he can't trust you, he doesn't have much use for you."
Shea snorted. "What has he been doing all this time, then? It's not like he knew me in the beginning, and yet I managed to get you guys to your rendezvous. Now all of a sudden my job depends on trust. That's convenient."
"You were an unknown entity then. Someone we didn't trust or distrust, and if you recall, you didn't get anywhere near a map until after the shadow beetles."
He had a point there.
"A squad like ours is dependent on the bond of trust between every person on the team. When that bond is broken, it places everybody in danger."
Shea had never trusted her companions. "None of you have ever made a mistake while in the field? I'm not proud that I lost focus out there, but it's hardly a reason to imply I'm no longer dependable. The only person whose life I put in danger was my own."
"Wrong. If you had fallen, Eamon would have broken the line trying to save you. I would have followed because he's my comrade and friend. Clark might've followed because he worships Eamon. That's three lives that would have been in danger due to your carelessness. Not to mention the others because we would have left a hole in their defenses."
Shea hadn't thought of it that way. She was so used to acting on her own and only being able to count on herself that she had never considered how her actions might impact others.
"Just now's the first time you've even admitted that you might have been wrong. Instead, you shut all of us out and acted like a sulky, spoiled child. Making a mistake isn't the problem; not owning up to it is. We don't need someone who's unable to acknowledge their flaws."
Shea didn't have a response for that and busied herself gathering the rest of the wood. Having said his piece, Buck stalked off taking his kindling with him.
After she gathered enough wood for several fires, Shea sought out another task and then another after that until night fell.
Shea didn't want to admit that Buck might have been slightly correct in his assessment. It had been so long since she'd been accepted or trusted by the people she led, that at the first sign of criticism, she shut down.
Even when Eamon and the other three rode back into camp, she kept to herself. Taking her dinner and leaving the comfort of the firelight to eat in solitude in the darkness.
Perhaps it was best to end things here before she got more involved. She'd never been particularly good at relating to others. Seemed things hadn't changed.
She should continue with her original plan and look for her chance to slip away.
That night, she fought the sense of piercing loneliness as she stared up at the millions of tiny lights dotting the sky. Rolling onto her side, she closed her eyes and told herself she was okay with things. She didn't need to rely or be relied on by the people around her. Things were fine just the way they were.
The next day Shea kept away from Eamon and the others, helping Perry's men pack up the camp and then slipping in with his men as they moved out. Eamon, Buck and the others fell in at the back of the convoy.
Clark appeared beside her not long after they were under way, chattering nonstop. Shea gave noncommittal grunts during pauses in the conversation.
She covered a yawn. She hadn't gotten a very good night's sleep, and her eyes stung from the lack of rest.
The third time she nearly cracked her jaw on a yawn, Clark handed her a peeled stick.
"What's this?"
"It's yarrow root."
That meant nothing to Shea.
She shook her head at him.
He grinned. "So I finally know something you don't. I'll have to write this down so I can remember it always."
"You haven't known me long enough for that statement to have merit," Shea told him.
"I feel like I've known you forever. I've got this feeling we're going to be good friends for a long time to come," he told her with a mischievous smile.
"Well, don't you sound confident."
"You'll see," he told her. "I'm never wrong about these kinds of things."
"He's right," Eamon said, riding up behind her. "He's got a knack. Said the same thing to me when he was no bigger than my hip. Haven't been able to shake him since."
"Ah."
Shea didn't know what to say to that. Given yesterday's events, she couldn't help the awkwardness she felt at his arrival. In the end she said nothing, letting Clark carry the conversation. She pulled slightly up on her horse's reins intending to let the two ride ahead of her.
Eamon followed suit letting Clark pass. "We'll catch up."
Clark nodded and shot Shea a sympathetic look before touching his horse lightly in the side. It moved a little faster, jostling Clark in his seat as he caught up with someone he knew further down the line.
Eamon and Shea rode in silence for a bit. She glanced at Eamon from the corner of her eye. He looked relaxed. Not at all like they were at odds.
Maybe in his mind they weren't. After all, why would a leader care if a subordinate was upset as long as that subordinate continued to follow orders?
"Shane, how long are you going to continue like this?"
Shea looked at him startled. "Continue like what?"
"This." Eamon gestured between the two of them.
Shea didn't know how to answer that. She thought she was being very civil.
Eamon sighed gustily. "You have to be the quietest Lowlander I've ever met. Usually you have to hit them upside the head to get them to shut up. With you, it's the opposite. I feel like I have to knock you upside the head to get any words from you."
Shea shot him an expressive look and guided her horse out of arms reach.
"Speak boy," Eamon barked. "Quit giving me crazy eyes and speak your mind."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Something. Anything. How'm I supposed to trust you if I don't know what's going on in that head of yours?"
There was that word again.
Forestalling her objection, Eamon said, "And don't tell me there's nothing. You're too smart for that. And none of that damn politeness either."
Argh.
What did he want from her? She just couldn't win.
"What the hell do you want from me, Eamon? First you yell at me for not following orders and then when I do you're on my ass for that too. I can't win."
"Finally," he said. "We're getting somewhere."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You don't talk to people."
"I talk. I talk all the time."
"No, you don't," he said, shaking his head. "You make statements and then act all butt hurt when people don't do what they're told."
Shea couldn't help the sneer of disbelief that crossed her face. "No, I don't."
"Yes, yes you really do," Buck told her, riding up on her other side.
What was this? Pick on Shea day.
She kicked her horse wanting away from the two ganging up on her. It didn't work. They simply followed.
"You're good at what you do," Eamon continued, as if she wasn't actively trying to run away. "Bright, observant. But you never take the time to explain. You just make a statement and then expect everybody to fall in line."