Owning It (Metropolis #3)(77)

"Speak for yourself, you power bottom," Hayden says.

"And proud of it." I hop off the bed and skip into the kitchen, sliding in my socks across the polished cement floors.

I fetch another bottle of Chardonnay before returning to the bed and refilling our glasses.

"Now look who's not concerned about carbs," Hayden teases. "And you actually have to go on a gay cruise in a few weeks."

I lift up my shirt as I plant myself back down in my seat in front of the headboard. "Ladies and gentlemen, does anyone see an ounce of fat on this beautiful body?"

Hayden rolls forward, leans over the pizza box, and grabs at my skin, pulling it forward. "Is this fat?"

"Shut the fuck up," I say, shoving my shirt back down and pushing his hand out of my way.

He and Gary laugh.

"Whatever. This body is as tight as this hole."

"Speaking of that hole," Gary says, "how much has it been getting plowed recently?"

"Enough," I lie.

"Whatever," Hayden says. "I'm pretty sure you're still hung up on Daddy Jackson."

"Am not!"

Gary eyes me suspiciously. "It's fine. It's only been like two weeks, hasn't it?"

"A week and a half."

He snatches my phone from beside me and inputs my passcode. "How do you know my code?"

"Really, Derek? You've told me this code numerous times over the years so I could help you text Grindr tricks when you're too drunk to function, and now you're asking me how I know it?"

"Fair point." He searches for something. "What are you looking for?"



       
         
       
        

"Grindr and Scruff. You have neither of these. You are totally hung up on Daddy Jackson."

"I deleted them because I had a creepy stalker last night," I lie again.

I'm not seriously trying to mislead them. They'll know that's not true, but I'm hoping they'll just laugh it off.

"No, be serious with us," Gary says. "Are you okay? Do you need to talk about this some more?"

We had our discussion after we called it off, after I told them about what happened that night with Zane, but we haven't really talked about it since. At least, I've avoided talking about it since then.

"Yeah, Derek," Hayden adds. "Don't brush this off. We both know that was very serious for you and that you liked him a lot, so come on. Talk to us. We're your friends."

Their interrogation reminds me of how much they've helped me over the years. How they've been there for me, and how they've always let me know they're happy to listen if there's anything I need to talk about.

Despite how hard it is to open up, Jackson has shown me how much that can help sometimes.

"I did like him a lot," I admit, "and for a while I was thinking that maybe there could be something more, a lot more, but this is what happens in relationships, at least in my experience."

"You don't have experience with relationships," Hayden points out, and he's right.

"You guys don't understand what the rest of us have to deal with. You found your amazing guys and figured your shit out, but some of us just can't have that."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not like either of you, and my life … I don't know. I think he's better off without me."

"Shut up. He's not better off," Gary argues.

Hayden nods. "Not at all."

I know they're trying to be supportive, but they're not going to talk me out of this. As bothered as I was that night when Jackson was totally thrown by his son catching us at Flirt, I know it needed to happen.

I'm not the kind of person who he could ever be serious about. The kind of guy he could take to work functions or to birthday parties for his ex-wife and son. The guys I've hooked up with in the past-ones I've considered more with-they've known that about me. And that's why they've moved on. Jackson didn't realize it yet, but even if we hadn't called it off that night at Flirt, it would have been another night, so why not just get it over with?

"Thanks," I tell them. "I appreciate it. But just relax. I'm going to be fine. I'm going through this usual grieving period that we all go through after a relationship, and because I'm not used to doing anything like this with a guy, it's taking me some time. I'll move on and get Grindr and Scruff downloaded on my phone. Here, I'm going to download them right now." 

I grab my phone back from Gary, pull up Grindr, and download it.

Gary and Hayden exchange a look. Like they know it's not that easy.

They're right because this doesn't really mean anything. And it definitely doesn't mean I'm okay or over Jackson.