I close my eyes, dropping my head back so I'm facing the sky. "Can you please not remind me of that right now?" How do I make my son understand that I like it when Derek calls me Daddy? That we don't mean it the way it sounds?
"Listen. I have a lot on my mind. A whole lot to figure out. I should go, before one of us says something we regret."
He shrugs. "Whatever. We knew it would have to end anyway."
My chest clenches at those words. I don't want it to end. I didn't mean to leave for good. "This doesn't mean it's the end."
Derek rolls his eyes. "Come on, Daddy-see? You flinched when I said that. There's your answer right there. We had a good time. You got to play around with an experienced twink the first time you were with a man. A good little bottom who would let you toss him around and own his ass, and I got to get fucked by a big-dicked top. Do you really think nothing is going to change now? That we're going to go back to the way things were? My needs and wants aren't going to change but yours probably will. And what if Zane doesn't like it? Let's not pretend you wouldn't walk away from me-even if you did want me-if you thought it would hurt him."
I do want him. I want him so much I can hardly breathe … but I'm afraid he's right. I don't know if I can be who he needs. … Maybe I've been fooling myself this whole time. I'm not the guy who goes out all the time and fucks around in clubs. I'm not the guy who lets things roll off his back. I'm not the fierce little hurricane blowing through people's lives, wild on the outside with a quiet core. I'm the man who is who everyone else needs me to be. I'm not free like Derek.
But Christ, do I want to be.
"Derek, I-"
"Don't." He holds a hand up to me. "Don't apologize. I'm a big boy. We had fun and now it's over. Plus, I have that cruise coming up next month. There will be a lot of daddies there to make me feel better."
My insides seize up. The urge to tear apart anyone who touches him barrels down on me. But he's right too. … Could I see myself accompanying him on a gay cruise? Putting all my responsibilities aside? Not wanting to murder any man who looked at him? I think not. And would he continue to be satisfied by only me? The guy who obviously isn't very good at having fun-the boring, overly-responsible man with a son? "We can still talk. Maybe once things settle down … " My words drag because I know they're wrong. This isn't a fairytale, it's reality.
"I told you, it always ends, and that's always been fine by me. Why drag it out? You owe it to yourself to go out and have a shit-ton of fun, anyway. You went from your wife to me. Lots of horny bottoms out there for you to have and lots of eager tops for me."
I reach for him, but Derek steps back. My chest is so damn tight it's hard to breathe. But he's right. Part of me knows he's right.
"Shit," Derek curses quietly, then steps forward. I grab his waist and he presses a quick kiss to my lips before walking away. I watch him go, wishing like hell I could pull him back. When he disappears inside the building, I head for my Jeep. Back to my real life.
32
Derek
I drink the last drop of Chardonnay left in my wineglass before setting it on the nightstand beside Gary's bed.
"Thank God. I needed a guys' night," I say.
Hayden lounges on his side at the foot of the bed. He takes a deep breath. "I think we all did. Work has been kicking my ass lately."
"Well, I can't complain," Gary says as he sets the extra-large Meat Lover's pizza box in the middle of the bed aside and opens the one under it.
I glare at him. "Really, Gare-bear? You think now's the time to brag about you and Travis's cabin getaway."
He shrugs, a not-so-innocent expression on his face as he grabs a slice of pizza.
"You gonna risk the carbs?" I ask him.
"Eh, it's September," he says. "Summer's over, and you know this is all going to the guns." He flexes his biceps before taking a bite.
I turn to Hayden. "Dating Travis has made Gary awfully cocky."
Hayden chuckles. "It really has, but in a good way."
"Yeah, a really good way. You were kind of a pushover before."
"Shut up. I was not," Gary says, his words barely coherent with the pizza still in his mouth.
"I'm just teasing. My Gare-bear has always been awesome. Now he just knows it."
He beams, accepting the compliment, which is such a change from the Gary I was friends with two years ago.
I grab for the bottle of Chardonnay on the nightstand, but as I lift it, I say, "Houston, we have a problem. The bottoms are out of wine."