"I think you've been reading that book a little too long."
"Same page for about an hour," I confess.
"Is everything okay?" I see the concern in his steel-gray eyes. He doesn't look bothered that I haven't responded to his voicemail anymore. Just worried about me.
"Yeah. Everything's fine. Why?"
"You seem unusually serious today. Like something happened. Is there anything you need to tell me? You know, I'm here if you have something serious going on in your life."
He reminds me of Gary and Hayden. They don't tell me when they're worried about me, but I can tell when they are. And they try to encourage me to share my life with them because they want to be good friends, but there are some things that I don't like talking about … with anyone.
"It's not your job to worry about me, Jackson," I say, even though it feels nice knowing he does.
"So you just haven't returned my calls because you're not interested in doing anything with me?"
I might as well just cut to the chase. I don't want to go round and round with him. I don't want him to think I'm running some sort of game. "Look, I don't know what's going on. You say you want me. You kiss me. But we don't have sex … even though I'm fairly sure you want to have sex with me. I can't read you, which I'm really fucking good at, by the way. So I'm a little confused about why you want to take some silly tango classes with me."
"Are you asking me why I want to take the classes with you instead of just fucking you?"
"Yes. That's exactly what I'm asking."
"You're not just some trick to me."
"What are we then? I don't get what's going on here."
"I don't either, but I like you."
"So are we friends?"
"I like to think we're friends, but what I feel for you is more than I would feel for a friend."
"There you go again. Is that from like the father's handbook of evasive answers?"
"That's not me being evasive. That's me being honest. Most people understand that the only way to get to know a person is to keep spending time with each other."
"So you like me?"
"You know I like you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't."
"I just wanted to make you say it. I like you too, kinda. Whatever."
He smiles as he rolls his eyes, and I'm pleased my silly comment was able to lighten the mood. "We're just getting to know each other."
"I typically do that in the bedroom."
"It's not the same."
I know he's right, but I haven't lived like that in a long time.
"Jackson, I don't know that I have much to offer outside of that."
"Are you crazy? You have plenty to offer. And every day that I've spent with you, there's so much more to you than you're willing to show everyone."
"Maybe it's all in your head."
His gaze drifts to the floor. He suddenly looks sad about something, but why?
"Derek, there's something we need to talk about."
"What? Do you have an STD or something? 'Cause that's not a deal-breaker for me. We could figure out how to be safe and-"
"No. I just know I need to tell you this before we go any further."
"Oh my God. Are you in love with me already? Creeper."
He laughs … I figure because I caught him off guard. And I'm glad the tension of this awkward-ass conversation has dissipated.
"No. It's something that I haven't told you about, and I feel like I need to get it off my chest. After the night I took you back to my place, a few weeks later, I saw you at Cypress Grove … with your uncle."
The blood drains from my face.
I feel naked. And not in the good way. Not like he's stripped me of my clothes to fucking own my ass, but like he's revealed something much deeper. Something I haven't even allowed my own friends to know about.
"You what?" I ask.
It's not that I didn't hear him. I can't quite process this.
"I knew a little about your uncle before you told me because my mom's staying at Cypress Grove, too. And when I saw you there, you were showing them magic tricks; that's why I reached out to you after that night. Because I saw there was a lot more to you than some irresponsible, flighty, fuck-happy kid … this image you seem to try and make everyone believe is the real you. And it's not. You're so much more than that."
My eyes water.
Fuck!
I turn away from him to keep him from seeing me like this.
He sets his hand on my shoulder.
I wish he would kiss me now, rip my clothes off, and shove his thick dick inside me. Sex has always been such a great distraction from the pain … from the world … from reality. I just want to get lost in him until I can shake the awful feelings that his words evoke.