"I hear you were being a bad boy today," I say as I pull away from our hug. "Trying to fly over the cuckoo's nest again?"
He chuckles. "I'm fine now. What time will Tim be here today?"
I tense up and turn to Jen, whose eyes are already watering just at the mention of his name.
"He's not here today," I say.
I don't want to tell him the truth.
It's one of the many things I left out when I told Jackson about staying with Randy. I didn't just live with him, but also with Tim, his life partner, who ran off as soon as Randy's Alzheimer's got so bad he wound up chatting with the police one night when he'd wandered from his house, confused and disoriented. He was going to the grocery store, I think, but he stepped out in front of oncoming traffic. The officers were going to ticket him for jaywalking, but they realized something was off when they were talking to him. They were really cool and got him back to the house. Tim explained the situation to them, but it was clear, even to Randy in a more lucid moment, it was time to put him somewhere he could be safe. But Tim said he couldn't take it, and no amount of me begging or screaming could stop him from leaving.
I know it wasn't easy for him. How hard it got and how difficult the future must have seemed, but I can't help but resent him for leaving Randy when he needed him most.
Up until then, I would have said they were in love. I would have said I believed it was unconditional and that nothing could have ever pulled them apart.
Boy, was I wrong.
"I should call him," Randy says.
"Why don't we chat for a while?" I'm trying to divert-one of the many rules I've had to repeat to myself again and again when helping Randy.
The doctors always say that it's best not to tell him about Tim unless he asks directly or is so persistent that he just won't let up. I don't want to lie to him, but it's so hard being honest about something this painful. Although, when he gets on about it like this, I know there's no way to stop him.
"But what about Tim?" he asks.
"You don't remember why he's not here?"
Randy gazes at me for a moment. "Oh, maybe I do." His gaze drifts off as he thinks about it, clearly frustrated.
I turn back to Jen again, and she looks away, shaking as she cries the way we both do when this comes up.
Please, just don't ask me.
"So where is Tim?" he asks … and I know it's time to play this sick game all over again.
"Shots, shots, shots!" I shout, bashing my fist against the bar.
Gary, Hayden, and I met up for the gym and then a low-carb dinner after I finished visiting Uncle Randy. And now I'm drinking to forget.
They don't know about Uncle Randy.
I can't tell them about this. They'd be supportive, but I just want to forget this time.
As the bartender sets down our shots, I wink at him.
"Thank you, Aussie-boo," I say. We've hooked up a few times. He doesn't have a clue what he's doing in the sack, but he's got that pretty accent and a great bod, so who gives a fuck?
I grab Gary and Hayden's shots and turn to hand them over.
"What's going on with you tonight?" Gary asks as he takes his.
"What do you mean?"
"Come on," Hayden adds. "We both know you and since we met up, I haven't seen you on Grindr or Scruff once."
"I'm just not in the mood tonight. I want to hang out with my friends."
They gaze at each other and then at me.
Gary's eyebrows have pulled together in the way that lets me know just how concerned he is. "Derek. Are you seeing someone?"
I shake my head. "That's stupid." I imitate vomiting before saying, "No. I'll let you guys be the ones stuck to your hot man-beef. Single for life and loving it."
"I think you're being sneaky here," Hayden says, wincing behind the lenses of his full-rimmed glasses. "Is there someone you're seeing?"
"Oh my God, you guys." I let out an exasperated sigh. "Why does this have to be such a big deal?"
Hayden's eyes widen. "You totally are!"
"No, it's not like that … at all."
"Then why aren't you bouncing around trying to get laid?"
"Because I don't want that tonight?"
Gary rests his hand on my forehead. "Oh God. I think we have a temperature, doctor."
"Really?" Hayden asks. "I think it might be love."
"Oh yes. And you know that's incurable."
I slap Gary's hand off my head. "Shut up. There's always a cure to love. It's called a breakup."
"Have another shot and chill the fuck out," Hayden says. "You can play this game all you want, but we all know you're a sap at heart."