I keep watching him and his smile grows even more. "My hands are shaking." He holds up his left arm. Chuckling, I walk over and grab it.
"Mine did that at first too. There's a sort of rush to it."
"There is. Oh my God. I was good, wasn't I? I took to that shit right away. I might have shown you up a little."
His playful confidence doesn't surprise me. I'd spent a great deal of time going over everything I needed to before we started to climb, but he's right. He had taken to it. And he enjoyed it. "You did well." The energy is practically radiating off him.
"I'm kind of hard."
"Yes, but that's nothing new for you, right?" I realize then I'm still holding on to his hand. I let go and nod my head. "Come on, you feisty little hurricane." We walk over to a large rock that shades part of the ground and sit before I pull two bottles of water from my bag and hand him one.
"Oh, you have a nickname for me? It's cute. I like it."
He's cute, but I don't tell him that. "Drink. You need to keep hydrated."
"Oh, so bossy. Yes, Daddy."
"Makes sense I have a name for you since you have one for me, right?" It's crazy what hearing him call me that does to me … and how quickly I've adjusted to it.
"You're all sweaty and dirty." He takes a swipe at my forehead instead of responding to what I said.
"You are too. Now drink." We lean against the rock and both take a few swallows of our water. Our conversation from my Jeep is still a quiet whisper in my brain. It surprises me that I told him about Lydia, about that ache so deep in my gut every time we lose someone. It's easier not to talk about it. Your brain tries to tell you to move on. It's safer that way, but how can you let yourself stop caring?
I can't do that.
But I feel better. Being out here, I feel better. "I needed this," I tell him before taking a long swallow of water.
Derek picks up a pebble and rolls it between his fingers. We're both quiet for a moment, and I realize how odd this is in a lot of ways. How we've built this sort of friendship because again, on the surface, we're nothing alike.
"Why did you invite me here?" Derek asks as though he has his own line to my thoughts.
"Don't really know, if I'm being honest."
He's not used to this, and I'm not either. We're exploring a foreign land without a map. "Steph and I … it felt so good to connect with her as a teenager, ya know? And not just because I got my dick wet."
Derek chuckles.
"But I'd moved around so much that I didn't let myself get close. She became a friend and then, well, you know where it went from there. We had Zane and shit got real, fucking quick. From there, it was all about Steph and Zane. Which I don't regret. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and she's my best friend, but my life has been all about them. My friends were her friends' husbands or Zane's friends' parents."
Stalling, I pull the bottle to my lips and finish what's inside. "This … isn't that." Wow … could I have come up with a better way to say it?
Derek turns and looks at me, his blond hair wet against his forehead. "Ah, I get it. I'm your way to rebel against your life and responsibilities. Aren't you a little old for that?" His words aren't harsh; if anything, he sounds slightly offended as though he's suddenly afraid I'm using him. "Oh well. It works for me. I-"
"Be quiet." I put my finger to his lips. "I feel like I'm always telling you that. I have nothing to rebel against. I chose my life. It's just … " I lower my hand. Why did I get started on this shit? I should have just let it be. "My mom had a stroke not too long ago. We're the only family she has. I have to take care of her, and I'm thinking about Zane's college and what Steph and I are going to do with the house. I forgot about all of that yesterday, while we were drinking coffee. I needed that today too."
Derek frowns but his blue eyes are lit with curiosity. He cocks his head a little as though he's trying to see something, like he's trying to figure this out. There's a pool of guilt in my stomach because he doesn't know I saw him with Randy. That was a private part of his life that I accidentally stole without him giving it to me.
"I can make you forget all that other stuff."
"That's not exactly what I meant, but I have no doubt you can." I cock a brow at him.
"What did you mean?" he asks.
"It feels good to have something in my life that isn't tied to responsibility. That's there because I want it to be, not because it has to be." I shrug. "Even if it is only rock climbing with a friend. I haven't had a lot of that."