I'm so grateful for the veil over my face. So grateful. I see a hundred people or more and that I've only ever met once. They all look so happy, just so very pleased with what's happening. I don't want to let them down, and so I keep my head high as we walk forward.
Finally at the end of the aisle, Daddy holds me close in one urgent, final embrace. I want to beg him to make it stop, but I know he won't anyway. I push him away gently and nod so he knows it’s safe to leave me here. He looks devastated, absolutely crushed. Thick tears roll over his wrinkly cheeks and settle in the grooves below his chin. I reach up and wipe one away and pat him gently on the cheek. He nods solemnly and backs away.
Taking a deep breath, I force myself to turn, to face the priest, to face Roman, to face Alek.
Roman comes forward with his hands out, palm up. He takes my right elbow gently and guides me to stand with him in front of the priest. Gianna comes up from behind me and takes the bouquet from my trembling fist. My hands fall naturally into Roman's outstretched hands and we stand there, as still as dolls, staring at each other.
The priest begins to speak. I can’t even hear him over the sound of my own heartbeat. I began counting every breath, one, two, three, in… one, two, three, out... Roman stares down at me like I'm a rabbit in a snare.
I'm absolutely captured, I know that now. There's no escape. There never really was.
When my hands tremble, Roman folds his thumbs over the back of my hands. Somehow, this calms me. At least I know that if I fall forward, he is ready to catch me with no effort at all. At least there's that.
With the light behind his head, he's almost not ugly. A high bank of stained glass filters the bright early afternoon light into beams of crimson and violet. I'm falling into Roman’s shadow, and the light reflects off of his closely shorn hair in a sort of halo. All I can see is the dark shape of his face, and his deep, inky eyes staring down on me.
He tugs on my wrist gently and I look up at him, confused. His eyes flicker toward the priest and I realize they’re waiting for me. They need me to say it.
“I do,” I whisper. It’s the best I have.
The priest begins his monotonous murmur again, and I hear Roman breathing more than I hear him say the words. He nods, and I know it's done.
His mouth curves in a sort of frown. Not an angry frown, more of an intellectual frown. I stare at the curve of his lips until I realized suddenly that they're coming toward me.
I hold my breath as his hand comes under my jaw, tipping my chin toward him. A whole lifetime passes between that moment and the moment his lips cover mine.
Despite myself, I am kissing him back. I don’t know why, I just suddenly realize that I am. His lips are so warm, so strong that I can't resist. He is gentle and firm at the same time, and it is, in fact, the kiss that I always wanted.
Finally, something is right. If we could just stand here in this kiss for the rest of the day, then maybe the day would be saved.
But he pulls away. I find myself swaying into the empty space and his hand automatically goes to my shoulder to steady me. His lips stretch into something that looks like a smile and he nods slightly.
“Xorocho, devushka,” I hear him murmur.
Man and wife, man and wife.
That's it? That’s the end of it?
“That was some kiss,” Alek murmurs from behind Roman’s block-sized shoulder. “Way to go, brother.”
I know that life is going to be different now, but I can't seem to get my head around this idea. We stand there for a while as people begin to applaud and stand up from their chairs. Roman takes my hand and pivots me toward the crowd so that the people can stare at us. My family is on one side and presumably Roman’s family is on the other. A sea of faces I don't recognize at all, but who seem as enthusiastically excited about this union as my family is.
The music strikes up again and Roman and I began walking down the aisle toward the reception hall at the far end of the building. Alek catches up immediately, taking my other elbow. Am I supposed to object? I don’t even know. Instead I just let them do whatever they want.
Drag me toward the exit, I don’t even care anymore.
When we enter the foyer, people start throwing things at us. Birdseed, rice, whatever. Gianna catches up to me as we glide toward the reception and greets me with a pinch on the shoulder and only the smallest glance at Alek.
So, no one is going to notice? Alek and Roman both are going to escort me and everyone is just going to act like this is normal?
“Oh Marie! It was beautiful! Absolutely beautiful!” she coos, damp with tears.
I nod as eagerly as I can. I hope someone took pictures, because even now, I can barely remember any of it except the kiss. Just the kiss. Everything else is a blur like a dream that's slipping away from me as soon as I wake up.