Overlooked(2)(118)

“What? No, I never did it before. I wasn’t the fucking threat in the house. She was. She’d rather marry a guy who beat her up in exchange for a fix. To be honest, I don’t even think they noticed me.”

“You’re sure?”

“They might’ve, I don’t know. It sure didn’t seem like it at the time.”

“No. I mean, you’re sure you weren’t the threat in the house? You’re sure you’ve never done it before then.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

I kind of thought she’d be all sad at my past. That she’d feel all sappy and sorry for me because my mother was the way she was. Not that she’d fucking believe my mother’s horseshit that winded me up in juvie.

“What am I talking about? All the violence, is what. I’ve seen you fly off the handle with my own eyes. And Razor loves telling Steel fighting stories.” Emily’s yelling, and her fists are clenched. “I’m talking about marrying and raising a baby with a man who’s hospitalized someone and he never thought that was important to mention before!”

“You know all that shit is ancient history,” I say, trying to keep my voice down.

“You’re sure there’s nothing else you aren’t telling me? For all I know, you’ve got a dozen more secrets!”

“There ain’t nothing else, I swear it.”

“How do I know if I can believe that? You’ve always said stuff like that.”

“For fuck’s sake, Goldie, I said there’s nothing else,” I say, matching her volume.

“Unbelievable,” she yells.

“What’s unbelievable is that you’re treating me this way now!”

I get up off the couch and stand beside her, looking down on her. My heart hammers against my ribcage, and I don’t know what to do to make her believe me.





Reason to Live (Emily)

“Holy fuck, are you kidding me?” I say, looking up at him.

Is he threatening me now? The way he’s standing there like that, his eyes cold staring down into me. I need out of here, away from him.

I turn, grab my coat and flee out the door. Marching straight to the elevator, I don’t even turn around to see if he’s following me. I don’t want him to.

Alone in the elevator, tears trickle down my cheeks. What do I do?

I keep on walking, out of the hotel and towards the Falls. We’re up a cliff from them, and I have to take an incline railway car down the cliff to get to the top of the Falls.

Crossing a road, I beeline straight to the thing I’ve been staring at out the window. I walk until I can’t go any further, and I lean on the railing that separates me from the water. I’m standing in a cloud of mist, and the noise of the river hurdling over the edge is deafening.

Through my tears, I don’t feel anywhere near the awe I felt when I was looking out the window. Instead, my eyes fix on the edge of the Falls, seemingly only inches from me, and I watch the water plunge into the gorge below.

Is the same thing happening with my relationship? We were sailing all smooth down the calm river, and then bam! we go flying over a two-hundred-foot cliff. One I didn’t know was there, but Steel did.

I should’ve been more demanding in getting him to tell me about his past before I ever joined the carnival. Or at very latest, after he attacked Razor. God, I feel so stupid. How was I so stupid?

The November wind is biting cold, and blowing straight down the wide river and into my face. If I wasn’t crying to begin with, the wind would put the tears in my eyes for me. I pull my coat tighter around me, and try to close any gap around the neck.

Craning my head, I look at our hotel behind me. As if looking up at the towering building could give me any answers. Just because Steel’s in it right now doesn’t mean anything. Or it shouldn’t, anyway.

I look back to the river. I’m standing right at the lip and the main waterfall, the one that divides Canada from America. It’s a lot of foaming, unbroken water all the way over to an island. Down from the island is another waterfall, the American Falls. Enormous, jagged rocks litter the bottom of it.

It’s kind of the way I feel. Like I was just sailing along in smooth American waters, when this Canadian came along and plunged me into some boulders. I sigh.

Beyond that waterfall, a bridge spans high across the gorge, connecting the two countries.

The longer I stand here, the more my gaze focuses away from the waterfalls, and onto the bridge. I wonder if it’s possible for me and Steel to be connected like that again.

My mind races, thinking back over all the things that Steel ever did around me, all the fun we had and talks that went long into the night in our trailer. Aside from Razor, nothing he ever did made me think he was anything other than amazing.