“I love you,” I say, my voice soft, “You need to know that. No matter what, I’ll always love you.”
She turns her head, and our eyes connect. Her eyes are glassy from tears, and she’s breathing hard through her mouth.
“I don’t know what to do,” she says, rolling onto her side to face me.
Taking her hand, I grip it in mine and hold it between us, in the space between our chests. The air hangs heavy for a moment, because I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t know what to do either. More importantly, I don’t know what she wants to do.
“Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you,” I say, forcing the words past the lump in my throat.
Her eyes shut and she starts crying hard, her entire body shaking with her sobs. I let go of her hand and press as much of my body against her as I can. We’re so tight together that my body moves with her sobs.
“How did this happen?” I ask, my voice low.
“I don’t know. Maybe getting the prescription a couple of days late last month?”
“Does two days matter that much?”
“What are you saying? You think I didn’t take the rest on purpose? I don’t want a baby, I just turned twenty-one.”
Jesus, I didn’t mean it that way.
“I’m not saying anything, just trying to understand is all.”
“Are you blaming me for this?”
I tilt her head and stare into her eyes.
“Absolutely not,” I say.
“Then what does it matter how it happened?”
“It doesn’t. I’m only trying to digest this. It’s a big of a shock, you know?”
“I’m not ready for a baby,” she says, sniffling.
“It’s okay, Goldie. Everything will be okay,” I say, stroking her arm.
“You won’t leave me?” she asks, her voice halting and weak.
“You’re my wife, I ain’t ever leaving your side.”
“Promise you’ll never walk out on me and the baby?”
“I made that promise on our wedding day. There’s no way I’d ever walk away from the best woman in the world. Especially not if she’s the mother of my child.”
Emily leans into me, and we lie in each other’s arms in silence.
Is she going to leave me because I’ll never be able to give our baby the life she had growing up? It’s one thing for her to shun that ritzy lifestyle she’s used to, but will she think it’s good enough for her baby? My baby?
Shit, I never considered that before. What if Emily doesn’t think I’m good enough to be the father of her child? Maybe she won’t want me in her life any more.
Our carny wedding on the Ferris wheel meant a hell of a lot to me, but I’m a carny, it’s my tradition. Not hers. It could all have been pretend in her mind.
What if she kicks me out of her life?
My mind’s racing now, and I can’t stop it. I hold her tighter, trying to calm myself.
“This is some pretty big news,” I say, “we don’t need to figure everything out right now.”
She doesn’t respond, instead she relaxes all her weight against me. I might be imaging things, but Emily’s not crying as hard and her breathing’s almost back to normal.
A baby in the carnival. Does she think that’s a good idea?
Hell, do I think it’s good idea for my baby? To grow up in a carnival, where the only people to play with are adults? Ones who are often either drunk or high?
I know what it’s like to grow up around booze and drugs. It’s not something I want for my own child.
Emily stays in the trailer all day, but I have to make sure the rides get put up safely. These assholes can’t handle one day without me, even though they might as well change my name to Zombie because that’s all the use I’m being.
All I can think of is a little me running around and my heart melts. Emily’s so kind and caring, she’s going to be the best mother ever.
And I sure as shit am not going to let her down. She deserves a husband who provides her and our baby the best life possible, and I’m going to make that happen. The baby may want for material shit, but no baby of mine is never going to want for love of its father.
There’s no way I’m letting my baby grow up the way I did.
At three o’clock, I decide enough of this shit, I need to be with Emily. I stop by the carny cafeteria, and buy her a burger and fries.
“Hey, I brought you some food” I say, entering the trailer.
She’s lying on the bed, and I wonder if she’s even moved all day. Emily sits up and swings her feet over the edge of the bed. I take a seat on the edge bed beside her.
“Thanks,” she says, and takes the fries from me.