“You know what, I’m exhausted, I think I’m going to go to bed,” I say.
“Night, Dad,” Piper says, the remote control already in her hands.
“Sure,” Avery says, her eyes heavy.
“You know where the spare room is, and Piper can show you where the towels and things are.”
“Okay,” she says, her voice devoid of emotion.
“Good night,” I say and walk upstairs.
“Night,” they both say.
I’m not tired at all, I just couldn’t face sitting with them all evening. I grab my iPad and flop onto my bed.
I mess around, reading all sorts of different things and watching all sorts of different videos until I can’t help myself any longer. I curse myself for being weak and open Avery’s YouTube channel.
She posted a video earlier this afternoon, and I click on it. She looks like shit, her hair’s a mess and her eyes are red. As I watch, my throat constricts so tight I struggle to breathe.
When it finishes, I start it over. My ribs feel like they’re being ripped open.
When it finishes again, I scroll down the comments. It’s only been up a few hours, but already there are hundreds of them. Comment after comment of people telling Avery how amazing she is and how she doesn’t need me fill the screen.
Some comments say I’ll come to my senses. I keep reading through them, until one hits me like a punch in the gut.
Single mom of three: Is his responsibility to his child? I understand what he’s thinking but he’s wrong. Tell him to stop being scared of messing up his children and start being afraid of missing out the (second) best thing that’s ever happened to him!!!!!! Btw, I’m single mom no more, and my kids have never been happier! What do his kids think of you?
What does Piper think of Avery? Easy, the same way I feel about Avery.
Underneath the comment are at least a dozen replies of people agreeing with her.
I read the comment along with the replies three more times, each time feeling lighter and lighter.
After registering a new account, I leave my own comment.
The unicorn: thank you ex single mom of three. And Avery you are right. Everything about you is right. Perfect, even. You are the (second) best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I’ve never been good with words.
Avery
Piper went to bed ages ago, but I’m delaying. I can’t bring myself to drag my feet up the steps to sleep in Knox’s spare room. Though it’s true, I’m too uncomfortable to go home. I’ve never seen Nathan like that, and Knox is right, he might come back.
I’m lucky Knox was there. Who knows what Nathan would’ve done?
Even if Knox having his arm around me, holding me, supporting me was almost too much for my heart to bear. Because I know it wasn’t real. And no matter how much I want it to be real, I have to face facts and push those thoughts out of my mind.
Knox running away and staying in his bedroom all night was proof his mind can’t be changed. I’m here because he’s being neighborly, nothing more.
Still, I can’t bring myself to climb the stairs and sleep in his spare room. Even if it is after one in the morning. I start another mindless movie on Netflix, and lay out on the couch.
“What are you still doing up?” Knox asks in a quiet voice.
His hand brushes over my hair, and I realized I dozed off. I push myself up and sit. The dim end table light is on, but it’s otherwise dark.
“I must’ve fallen asleep watching TV,” I say.
“What were you watching?”
“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.”
“I can’t sleep either,” he says and sits beside me.
Flutters fill my chest. I swallow and become teary. I can’t do this. I can’t be in his house, this close to someone I want so badly. My breathing speeds and I focus on pushing away my feelings.
“It’s been a hard couple of days for me,” I say.
“They haven’t been easy for me either, you know.”
“Thanks for helping me with Nathan.”
“You think I’d let that asshole anywhere near you? Now I know who he is, if he makes any more comments on your videos, he’ll pay.”
His words fill me, and I struggle to keep my feelings down. I bite the inside of my cheek, wondering why he’d say such a thing.
“Thanks,” I say, mumbling.
“I’d never let anyone hurt you.”
I want to ask why, but can’t bring myself to. I can’t sit here. Not beside someone who owns my heart and doesn’t want me. Fuck Nathan, I’ll take my chances.
Staggering to my feet, I step away from the couch.
“Where are you going?” Knox asks.
“Home. I need to go home.”