“Our life is just us. It’s always been the two of us, and it’s good that way, don’t you think? We don’t need anybody else, we have each other.”
She shrugs, unconvinced by my words. Maybe they would’ve been more convincing if I believed them myself.
“Want to play cards?” I ask, and reach for the deck of cards in the kitchen drawer.
We spend the rest of the afternoon playing cards, and the evening we clean up the supper dishes together and move to the living room.
I sit on the sofa, and Piper on the armchair. She starts a Law & Order. Life almost feels normal again. We don’t need Avery. I don’t need Avery.
Halfway through the episode, Piper says, “I miss Avery.”
I can’t lie. I was thinking of her too, her lips, her voice, her face, instead of watching the TV. I miss Avery snuggling up against me on the couch every night. She could be here in my arms, right now. If I was able to balance a girlfriend with a daughter. Which I’m clearly not able to do, otherwise Piper wouldn’t have missed her graduation.
How did I let myself get so wrapped up in Avery that I missed what Piper was doing? I failed to protect my kid. And lost the only woman I ever wanted more from than just her pussy.
I’m a fucking idiot.
Avery
It’s Monday afternoon, and I’m trying to work.
But how am I supposed to concentrate on my work, when I can see Knox out the window. He’s working on his car, in his shorts with no shirt on. His muscles glisten with sweat from the heat.
For a long time, I sit, paralyzed. Unable to take my eyes off him.
I never felt this bad after Nathan and I broke up. That wasn’t even a tenth as painful as the way I feel now. In the whole four years I was with him, I never for a moment cared about him as much as I care about Knox.
Everything was so perfect with Knox. Sleeping in his arms, waking up with him in me, nothing could get better. And then everything fell apart.
Without bothering to check my hair and makeup, I hit record.
“Hi everyone. I’m not doing so well today, as you can probably see. Right now I’m fighting for my unicorn. Not because of all that stuff I said before, about him being the most incredible lover imaginable, but because he’s the most incredible man imaginable. A man who’s willing to sacrifice his own happiness for someone else. But I don’t know how to make him see that he doesn’t have to sacrifice his life. That he can fulfill his responsibilities and still have me.”
Tears roll freely down my cheeks, but I keep talking, “I want him to know that I can even help him with his responsibility, that I want to help him. Because maybe I feel as strongly about his responsibility as I do about him.”
My throat is tight, and I pause to swallow. I can’t stop the words now. I don’t want to mention Piper in case he gets more mad. If he ever watches this, that is. The webcam is still rolling, and I look off to the left, where I can see Knox outside my window.
“Never in my whole life have I felt so comfortable or that I belong with someone so strongly. I don’t know. I know I normally have all sorts of advice to give you, but today I don’t have any. Today…” I stop talking and watch Knox out the window for a few moments.
“Today, I want to play a game with you. It’s called Would You Rather, and if you have kids, I’m sure you’re familiar with it. My question is, would you rather keep trying to convince the man who owns your heart that having you doesn’t mean hurting his responsibility, or would you rather step back, sit in your house, alone, and wait years for his responsibility to, to…” I can’t say grow up and finish high school. I won’t risk angering Knox.
“To end. And then maybe the two of you can try things again. Because I would wait. I’d wait forever for him.”
I grab a Kleenex and wipe my face, not caring that it’s on webcam.
“Maybe a couple of months ago, I would’ve told you that you have to be with someone for a long time, at least a year, if not more, in order for your love for them to develop and grow.” My mind is racing, and I realize this is why I stayed with Nathan for so long, I was always waiting for the love to appear. The real love that never came.
“But now, now I know that sometimes something is obvious from the start. When you’ve found the person whose life you belong in, you don’t need years to figure it out. You just know. Your body knows, your soul knows. You just have to listen to it. But how do you get the other person to acknowledge it?”
I’m losing the ability to speak without sounding like a blubbering fool. I turn off the camera and sit at my desk.
It takes half the Kleenex box until I can see clear enough to attempt to edit the video. By that point, I’ve lost interest and post it raw and completely unedited.