Lily takes my hand and squeezes it. I’m so freaking grateful for her I could cry. But I’m tired of crying, so I gently smack my cheek instead.
“I need to stop.”
“Kate?” A scrubs-clad woman in another bouncy ponytail opens the door and smiles. “Ready to see baby?”
Tears press against my eyeballs and my heart flits like a caged bird, but I take a deep breath and nod. Lily slips her hand in mine and I don’t let go as we pass through the bright yellow halls covered in pamphlets about babies and vaginas.
It reminds me of my regular gynecologist, whom I absolutely could not be seen at without the paparazzi swarming. Maybe I can just pretend I am going in for a yearly check-up, not to see the thing swimming in my belly.
“Here we are!” She chirps and ushers us into a room with a giant machine and a screen. “I’m Rayanne, the ultrasound technician. We’re going to start with taking a look at baby, so Dr. Reynolds can review them before seeing you. Since you’re a little further along than normal for the first appointment, we won’t have to use the vaginal ultrasound. How wonderful!”
I stare blankly at her, all her words foreign. I give a small nod. She hands me a dressing gown to cover the lower half of my body and gives me a squeeze on the shoulder when I’m told to lie down on the table.
Apparently, everyone can smell my fear.
“Remember that time we were in college and Brad Heinz paid us fifty bucks to make out at his party?” Lily asks brightly while Rayanne gets the machine up and running. “I would have made out with you for five. Just thought you should know that.”
“Thanks.” I laugh a little. It sounds high-pitched and insane. “I would have done it for free.”
“God, such a one-upper.”
“You know me.”
“Breathe, Kate. You’ll be okay. Like when we made out the first time. It feels scary at first, but then it turns out to be just fine. This will be just fine.”
“I hope so.” I whisper.
Rayanne exposes my belly and talks a mile a minute about her nephews and some birthday party they just had. Like this was all totally normal and I wasn’t about to have my life turn on its head.
I don’t do anything but lay there while she manipulates my body.
“Okay. This might be a little cold.” She grins at me and points to the screen next to me. “You’ll see everything there. One, two…”
I jump as she coats my belly with something cold and then shoves the ultrasound wand against it. Instantly, the screen goes from all black to static, like it lost the signal. Rayanne moves the stick around, talking to herself
“I think I am going to need the vaginal wand,” Rayanne says, furrowing her brow.
Lily squeezes me extra harder for reassurance, but all I can think is maybe I’m not pregnant after all.
“Phew, there he is,” Rayanne says, sounding either concerned or shocked. I’m not sure which is better. “How far along did you say you were?”
“Based on my last period, should be about nine weeks?” I shrug a little. “This is all sort of new to me, I’m sorry. Did I get it wrong?”
“Well.” Rayanne frowns and starts plucking around the ultrasound machine’s keyboard. On the screen, it looks like she’s measuring it. Numbers populate around the lines. “Baby does not look nine weeks along. He’s measuring closer to five.”
“Five?” I whisper. My heart pounds in my ears and I suddenly feel so, so cold. “That can’t be right according to the parenting magazines. I haven’t had a period in over two months.”
“Skipped periods are pretty common if you are undergoing a lot of stress. Which, if the news is right, you have been.” Rayanne offers a sad smile. “Stress can shut it down for a month if it wants, and kick back up the following. Developmentally, your little peanut is not nine weeks.”
Lily stares at me and gapes. “That means…”
I cover my mouth with my hands. Five weeks? Five weeks would put me nowhere near David. Instead, that would put me with…
Tears well back up in my eyes and it’s hard to breathe. I watch Rayanne finish her measurements, while my brain tries to rationalize this.
We always used condoms. Always.
“Are you sure?” Lily finally asks Rayanne.
“Very. Later, it gets more difficult to pinpoint, but it’s very accurate in the beginning due to their growth stages.” Rayanne finishes and leaves the room to get the doctor.
Lily just stares at me.
“That means…”
“We used condoms.”
“Every time?”
I clean myself up with baby wipes and pull up my leggings. I bend over to put on my sandals and a memory comes blazing back. The night he showed up at my apartment and we had sex over the edge of the couch. I don’t remember seeing a condom.