“I guess? He doesn’t stop though, Lily. I swear, every time I set down my phone, he sends me another message. Tells me I belong to him. Tells me he’ll ruin me. Tells me he’ll follow me if he has to.”
“Kate.” Lily turns serious. “Report his ass. Call the cops.”
“He’s just trying to bully me.” I shrug even though my stomach clenches. “It’s not a big deal.”
“It’s very much a big fucking deal. Call the cops. At the very least call Vivian so she can document this shit.”
“You’re probably right. I’ll send her screenshots.”
We fall into silence. The worst part of all this is I feel I have no excuse. Sure, I should have reported him… but I didn’t. I should have kept him outside my apartment every time he came over… but I didn’t.
I should have remained celibate and never fallen for his lawyer… but I didn’t.
Tears prick at my eyes and I brush them away before they can form. I’m done with crying. I’m done with worrying over a stupid man. God help me if this baby is a boy.
“Have you talked to Eric since you found out?”
“No. He was very clear about never hearing from me again.” I turn the page so hard I get a paper cut. As much as it hurts, it’s almost a relief to feel pain somewhere else besides in my head and my heart.
And my digestive tract.
“That’s probably for the best. We don’t need him thinking he’s got something over you too.”
“No man will have something over me ever again.”
“They aren’t all bad.” Lily says, but backtracks. “Never mind.”
“No, it’s okay.” I force a smile. “I know you’re really happy with the new guy. Don’t feel like you have to hide it from me.”
“I just feel so bad.” Lily smile meekly. “You’re in such a bad place.”
“Let me live vicariously through your joy. Remind me there is goodness out there. Remind me the Y-chromosome isn’t exclusively terrible.”
“I can do that.”
Silence again. It’s thick and sits uneasy against my skin. Pretending to be happy for Lily took more energy than I expected. And despite reading numerous blogs about having kids despite terrible life situations, or having kids when they didn’t want them, no one managed to make me feel better about this whole thing.
Maybe I am still in shock, but there is no way to feel better. Everything is lose-lose, but the only person who suffers is me. David gets out of this scotch-free. He won’t even have to know while I’m making plans to change my entire life.
“What about adoption?” Lily asks, moving next to me. “Then you don’t have to go through the life-altering changes of raising a baby.”
“I’ve thought about it.” I say noncommittally. “Honestly, Lily, I don’t know that I go through that heartache. I wish I could just… undo it.”
“I know.” She rests her head on my shoulder. “It’s not fair. After everything that has happened over the last year, this is the last thing that needed to happen. But we’ll get through it together. We will.”
“Thank you.” I rest my head against hers. “I don’t think I’d make it through this without you. Truly.”
“Chicks before dicks, Kate. Always.”
“Maybe I should just leave the country after the divorce is done.” I say slowly. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while, underneath all the freak-outs and stress. “I don’t want to be anywhere near David. No matter what I choose to do, I don’t want him involved at all, you know? Maybe I’ll go to France or Spain or something and have the baby there. No cameras, no David. The tiniest shred of privacy.”
“Hey, that’s an idea.” Lily encourages. “You can relax by the water and take it easy. Pregnancy is already difficult. Adding extra stress from being here isn’t good for either of you.”
“Exactly. Maybe my mom will come with me.”
“Have you told her yet?”
“You’re the only one who knows.” I shake my head. “Can’t bring myself to say the words.”
“No one needs to know even if you were about to pop. We’ll find clever ways to hide you, like they do on sitcoms. Fluffy scarves, big bags, things like that.”
“This is why you’re my best friend. You have great ideas. We’ll just get out of here and disappear into the fray. Let’s go now.”
“Soon.” Lily promises. “Soon.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
ERIC
A note sits on top of the files on my desk. Sophie’s stack, not Sophie’s writing.