It's kind of the way I feel. Like I was just sailing along in smooth American waters, when this Canadian came along and plunged me into some boulders. I sigh.
Beyond that waterfall, a bridge spans high across the gorge, connecting the two countries.
The longer I stand here, the more my gaze focuses away from the waterfalls, and onto the bridge. I wonder if it's possible for me and Steel to be connected like that again.
My mind races, thinking back over all the things that Steel ever did around me, all the fun we had and talks that went long into the night in our trailer. Aside from Razor, nothing he ever did made me think he was anything other than amazing.
My hands are ice, and I cram them in my pockets. I lost the feeling in my toes ages ago, but I don't leave my spot at the railing. I can't. I'm too busy replaying the past year in my head, in reverse.
When I get to that night in the Motel 6, when I was begging Steel to take me away to join the carnival, I remember what he said. Something I'd forgotten before, and my heart shatters as if it just hit one of those jagged boulders.
‘You'll be a carny, and they think that means they can treat you anyway they feel, because you're scum and don't deserve any respect. In their minds, you've had your trial, and you're guilty.'
Is that the way I treated Steel? The father of my baby?
I think back over his story in the hotel room. At the time, the only thing I heard was violence, hospital, police. Somehow, the other parts didn't sink in at all.
"I thought I'd find you here," Steel says.
He leans on the railing, a few inches away from me, staring at the water. My throat is too tight to speak, and I nod in acknowledgement.
"In my defense, I never would've hit him if he hadn't been hurting my mother."
"I know," I say, and bite my lip. My God, I feel like such a bitch. I didn't even care about how hard his life must have been, I couldn't get past the violence. I should've been hugging him, when instead I was screaming at him.
"That's the bridge my buddies and I walked across," he says, pointing to the bridge. "The law finally declared me resettled in the community, and it was my first day of true freedom. We knew a carnival was passing through on the American side. We went looking for trouble, but I found my home. My friends all came back across the bridge that night, but I convinced Papa Smurf to give me a job. I stayed at the carnival, with only the clothes on my back. And I never looked back."
Tears are rolling down my cheeks as fast as the water in the river. Their warmth thaws my frozen face.
"Ten years ago, I walked across that bridge in search of something. Something better. A dream. Anything. And I finally found what it is I've been looking for all this time. All those fucking shitty little towns. Everything. All I've wanted my whole life is you." Every tendon in Steel's neck is on display. While he's speaking, he shifts his body and leans his side on the railing, and looks at me.
His blue eyes are shining brighter than I've ever seen them shine before. Even through my blurred tears, I can tell his whole soul is visible. His beautiful, good soul. The good soul of a good man.
"Steel," I say, reaching out my hand.
He shakes his head.
"I never believed people as amazing as you even existed. And I definitely never believed anyone like you would be interested in someone like me. I ain't letting you walk away from me now."
All I want to do is melt into his warmth. To dive right into the blue of his eyes and plunge straight into the center of his heart, where I belong.
I turn my body to face his, hoping he will pull me into him and never let me go. I sniffle, and lift my hand in front of me, wanting to say so much but unable to find the words.
He clasps my hand in both of his, and kneels, his leg on the freezing, wet ground.
"I know I didn't do this right the first time. Or the second. But Goldie, Emily, marry me. Spend the rest of your life with me, and I promise every day will be filled with nothing but happiness. I love you."
I open my mouth and force myself to finally speak. "I can't imagine a better man than you, Steel, Kayden. I'm yours, forever. Have been ever since that first night in your bunk house."
"I wish I brought a ring to give you," he says, looking up at me.
"I don't give a fuck about a ring. I love you, Steel."
"Maybe on the fourth proposal I'll get everything right."
A laugh pushes past my tears, and I can't remember the last time I smiled this hard. No, I can. It was during those three times round on the Ferris wheel.
"Get up out of the freezing puddle," I say, tugging on his hand.
Steel stands and pulls me into his arms. His warmth floods through me, and my heart feels whole again.
"You're shivering," he says, his voice low.
"I've been standing out in the freezing mist too long." I turn my head as I speak, and our noses brush together.
"We need to get you inside."
Glory of Love (Steel)
I rub Emily's arms as we walk from the elevator to our hotel door. Even with her in my arms the whole walk back to the hotel, her skin is still icy. It's probably forty-five out, but she was standing in that icy mist for I don't know how long.
We'll need to get her a better coat tomorrow, so this doesn't happen again.
"I can't feel my toes," Emily says.
And boots, we need to get her a good pair of boots. Not those flimsy shoes she's wearing.
In the meantime, my mind is racing with the best way to warm her up. In front of the fireplace? In the whirlpool?
I swipe the key card, and Emily moans in disappointment when the light turns red. The sound lands straight on my cock, and I swipe the fucking card gain.
The green light shows, I open the door and I half hurl her through it. Letting the door close on its own, I hurry her into the bedroom. I unzip her coat, and start to pull it off her.
"I'm cold," she says, tugging on the coat.
"That's why I'm taking your cold clothes off, how are you going to warm-up with cold, damp clothes on?"
Emily drops her arms and lets her undress her, her teeth chattering the whole time. My jeans are sopping wet from when I kneeled in the puddle, but I don't give a shit.
I slide down her pregnancy jeans, pull of her shirt and bra. Fuck her tits are bigger every time I see them. The sight of them hanging there, all heavy on her chest stiffens my cock.
"Get in bed," I say, ripping back the comforter.
Naked and shivering, she climbs into the bed and I tuck the comforter tight around her neck.
"I thought you were coming in with me," she says.
"I am, once I get my cold, wet clothes off," I say as I kick my shoes off.
"I still can't feel my toes."
Naked, I climb under the covers with her and say, "Don't worry, no better way to warm you up than with a little body heat."
I wrap myself around her icy skin, and hold her tight, trying to give her my warmth. It's still difficult to understand what happened this afternoon, but she's here now, even though she now knows everything. My Emily.
My lips move across the cold skin of her cheeks, her chin still shivering. Our mouths press together, and I cup her cheeks to warm them. At first her lips are cold, but I kiss and suck them, and they thaw.
When the skin of her cheeks is warm, I move my hands lower. Caressing the tops of her shoulders and arms, making sure to keep the duvet tight over us.
I slide my body down, nipping and sucking to warm her skin as I move. As soon as my head is below her shoulders, I pull the duvet over it and tight around Emily's neck again. It's like I'm in a cave.
Her skin is already warmer from me pressing my body against it, though her nipples are already hard from the cold.
Taking one of the hard nubs in my mouth, I roll it around with my tongue. I cup her other tit in my hand, at least as much as now fits in my hand. How the fuck much bigger are they going to get?
Emily moans, and arches her back to push her tits closer to me. I suck her nipple as hard as I can and she gasps. The corners of my mouth turn up in a smile. I know her nipples have a direct line to her pussy, and it seems more intense now she's pregnant.
I take her other nipple in my mouth, and suck harder and longer. Her knees shoot up, and she grinds her hips against me, but I keep on sucking, loving how crazy it's making her. That should warm up her insides.
Emily lets out a high-pitched groan, and I let go of her nipple. I kiss and nip over her tits and down the soft skin of her front. It's much warmer now, and feels hot against my lips.
As I kiss down over her belly, and notice for the first time that it's growing. I brush my fingers over it, thinking of the future, our future, and how amazing it's going to be.
She rocks her hips, and I carry on sucking and nipping at her skin, until I reach her mound.
Normally I'd kiss all around it, but the air under the blanket is heavy with lust. I crush my lips against hers, probing with my tongue to find her clit and suck it hard into my mouth. Emily gasps and starts moaning.
I suck her clit harder than I sucked her nipples, grinding my hard cock against the mattress at the same time. I keep on sucking her clit until she's breathless from moaning so much.
Her hands grab my hair, and her body twists and turns as she comes. Fucking hell, I need to stop, before I blow my load the way I did that very first night with her.
I fly back up her body, my head emerges from under the covers and I plant my lips on hers for a quick, deep kiss. With my knee, I kick open her legs and without pausing, I push my cock straight into her slick pussy.