Any other year I would've loved it, because it means not finding a job for the winter months. This year it just feels like he's abusing me because he knows he has information I want. Information I'd do anything to get.
I can't help this feeling in my gut, that I should be hitching around North Carolina, going from town to town to find Emily myself. It would be faster than playing his fucking game. Assuming I didn't freeze to death sleeping on park benches in the middle of winter.
My Googling must be getting close to finding her town. It would be a lot easier if they didn't all look the fucking same, but I have to be getting close. I have to.
Razor said I'd forget all about her by Christmas, but she's stuck in my head even more.
I have to find her. And I will.
Papa Smurf walks across the lot, and I fling down the paintbrush to chase after him.
"Tell me the name of the town," I say, balling my fists.
"The painting's not done."
"I don't fucking care. The painting's never going to be done, because I've had enough. I'm going to find her, with or without your help." I puff my chest at him, my nostrils flare.
"Steel, calm down," he says putting a hand on my shoulder. "It's not what you think. I seen carnies like you fall hard for townies before, and it never ends good for them. You've been with me since you was a teen, and I don't want to see you get hurt like that." His voice is smooth, and he is saying the most genuine thing any male father figure has ever said to me in my life.
"It's not like that, she's different."
"I heard that before, too."
"I'm going to find her, with or without you."
"Think about it long and hard first is all I'm saying. One night is one thing, but you'll find out the hard way that you're from a different world than her, and that the outside world don't approve of us. Her folk ain't ever going to think otherwise. The prejudices against us run deep, don't never forget it."
I shake my head at him and walk away, trying to digest his words. Everyone always paints carnies as no good, but Emily's different. I'm sure of it.
Love Walked In (Emily)
"My regular latte, please, Barbara." Each of my Saturday lattes marks another week since I spent the night with Steel. It's already February, and in my heart I thought I'd find him before Valentine's Day. But that's this week, and now in my heart is heavy with the fact that it's not going to happen.
I still look at my tattoo in the mirror every day, picturing what it will be like to show Steel. And what his reaction will be.
My Googling still hasn't gotten me very far, despite the number of hours I've spent searching the internet. But I have a new plan. A plan that will solve three of my problems at once - my over-protective parents, the snitty snits of this town and, most of all, finding Steel.
I'm going to apply for a job at the carnival. I found a website that's exclusively for carnival jobs. And I'm going to apply for all the ones in the Carolinas. Then I'll figure out which one is Steel's, and join it.
I've sent emails to all of the ones I could find already, but I said I was looking for Steel instead of looking for a job. Not a single one responded to me.
My mind's made up. I am running away to join the carnival.
"Here you go, Emily," Barbara says, passing me my coffee to go. I haven't had it to stay since I got my tattoo.
"Thanks."
"I'm still praying for your family."
Barbara still says that, every Saturday without fail. I've never acknowledged her comment. Because her comment doesn't acknowledge me.
Without regret, I turn and open the door to the main street in town. Or rather, the only non-residential street in town. I take a step out, hoping I don't run into any other gossipers.
"Goldie," Steel's deep voice coats my skin in goose bumps and makes my heart starts pounding at ninety miles an hour.
I turn around to find him walking up behind me, his Hollywood smile beaming at me. My heart melts at his sight, and my entire body starts buzzing.
"You came back for me," I say, my face beaming.
"Course I did." My heart leaps at his words.
"Listen, we can't really talk on the street, all the town busybodies are out."
"Sure." Steel makes a grunting noise. He probably thinks I'm crazy, but he doesn't understand what it's like. Or maybe, he doesn't care what anyone thinks and thinks I'm being silly.
But I have to be careful, no one can think we're together. Otherwise my dad will be on my ass before I knew what hit me. And lord knows what he'd do to Steel.
He follows me to my car, and I make him get in the backseat and lie down.
As I hop into my car, I glance in the backseat. Steel's face beams up at me from his position lying curled up in the backseat. Good thing he had the foresight to put his legs behind the driver's seat so we can talk.
"Stay down so no one can see you. Do you have any idea how much shit I've been through because of that night? My parents locked me in my room when they found out. That's why I didn't come back to see you the next night, I couldn't."
"You didn't?" He heaves a sigh of relief. "My boss got pissed off and made me leave that day, so I wasn't there that night. I've been worrying all this time about you thinking I skipped town on you."
My eyes widen at his words. I'm so relieved he didn't think I bailed on him.
I want him in the front seat, but can't risk it in town. I start driving and head out down one of the country lanes. When we're a little ways out of town, I pull the car to the side of the road.
"You can come up here now," I say.
"About time," Steel says, climbing into the front passenger seat.
As he's doing up his seatbelt, our eyes catch and we freeze. Our faces are inches apart and neither one of us moves. My insides melt and explode at the same time. I still can't believe he came back for me.
"You're even more beautiful than I've been fantasizing about," he says.
"You've been fantasizing about me?"
"Only every second I've been out of this town." The comment makes me burst with joy.
"I might be guilty of that too."
"Yeah, I'd be fantasizing about myself if I was you, too," he says with a broad smile.
I burst out laughing.
"I meant about you."
"Oh, you meant me?" he says, cupping the back of my head.
His smile is back, and I have to close my eyes and open them again in order to believe it's real. And all for me.
Steel's nose grazes mine, and his hand cupping my head tilts it. My lips part as his soft lips press against mine. He's really here. At first he didn't seem real, like I might've been imagining his return, but now his kiss puts any doubt of hallucinations out of my head.
His lips are the most wonderful feeling in the world, and make all the pain and loneliness of the past few months vanish.
A pick-up flies past us, bringing me back to reality.
I put my hand on his chest, and say, "We can't here, we're not far enough out of town."
"What's the matter with the town?"
"It's small."
"And full of people who don't mind their own damn business?"
"You got it. Is your car parked in town?"
"Don't got a car, I hitched."
"Okay, at least we don't have to worry about it." How can he not have a car?
Putting my car in gear, I carry on down the country road. I intend to go to Woburn, the nearest big town, just to make sure no one sees us. It won't take long. Thirty minutes max, once I get back to a decent-sized road.
"Where're you staying?" I ask. I don't want him to stay at the one motel in town, everyone will figure out who he is sooner rather than later, and someone will probably confront him. Most likely my father.
"Haven't figured that out yet."
"Huh?"
"I just got to your town this morning, and I've been hanging out on the street."
"Good thing you didn't do that, my father might have seen you and kicked your ass."
"What the hell went on here after I left?"
"You don't even want to know. Let's just say, my father freaked out and the whole town's talking."
"So leave," he says.
"I can't just leave."
"Sure you can."
Stranger in a Strange Land (Steel)
"There's a place up here we can get a coffee at and talk," Emily says.
"Sounds good to me."
We carry on driving down the country road, eventually turning left onto a main road. The closed space of the car is filled with her rosy scent. It's exactly how I remembered it, and each inhale makes me want her more.
"Did you freak too, like your dad?" I ask.
"What do you think?"
"I think you didn't, not after the way you yelled my name in the bunkie."
Her cheeks turn bright red and she stares at the road ahead of her.
"I'm just kidding, Goldie, it wasn't just the way you yelled my name." She's the only person I've ever talked to, really talked to, instead of just shooting the shit. I'm sure it was the same for her.
"I knew there was something more between us," she says, her voice quiet and hard to hear over the noise of the car.
I reach over and put my hand on her thigh, the way I did that evening in The Zipper. The warmth from her leg fills me, washing away the freezing cold stuck in my bones from the three days it took to hitch here.
We spend the rest of the twenty-minute drive talking and laughing. It's like we've never been apart. Or like we've known each other forever.