"Get your things. You're staying at my place tonight."
"I can't. There's no way I can be in the same house as you. That would be a bigger torture than Nathan coming back."
"You know him?"
"He's my ex."
It's always the fucking ex.
"It's fine. You can sleep in the spare room."
"But I can't. Don't you see how hard this is for me? How can I stay at your house and pretend that everything's a-okay when inside my heart is ripped to shreds? There's no way. And what about Piper?"
She thinks my heart is any better? We just have to be strong, is all. I'm tough, I can do it.
"I don't fucking care. There's no way I'm letting you stay in your house alone tonight. Either you stay at mine, or Piper and I come stay at yours. Your choice."
"Knox, I'm really thankful you came and scared Nathan away, but we're not in a relationship, remember? Your words. I'm not your responsibility. This is my house, and I intend to live in it."
My breath is heavy. Avery feels so right in my arms but I have to let my mind rule. I can't let Piper down again.
"Only one night. Give him time to calm down. You don't know what he might do all wound up like that. You're coming to my house. End of discussion," I say, my voice stern.
I squeeze her hard, to emphasis my point. And tell myself I will not be tempted by the swell of her tits pushing into me.
This might be a stupid idea, but I can't let Avery down. She's not safe in her house tonight.
Holding her tight, I walk her into my kitchen and sit her at the table. She still looks shell shocked. I make us each a cup of coffee, and set one in front of her.
"Coffee always helps," I say, sitting at the table.
"There's only one thing that will help make me feel better," she says, her eyes lowered to her cup, her body still tense. Avery's hand shakes as she lifts the mug.
I don't respond because I feel the same way. We sit and drink our coffees in silence. When I finish mine, I take my mug to the sink and start dishing out my one-pot wonder, it's goulash today.
"Supper," I call and Piper comes bounding down the stairs and into the kitchen.
"Wow, Avery, I didn't know you were coming for supper."
"Her power's out, there's a problem with her wiring so she has to stay here tonight," I say.
"That's so cool. I've missed you. We're going to have so much fun."
"Sweetie, you don't have to miss me. You can come over whenever you want, all summer long."
Her shoulders drop and her face softens. Finally Avery looks like she's starting to relax.
"Really? Thanks! I miss talking to you sooooo much."
"I missed talking to you, too. But I'm right next door, you know where to find me."
"Okay, so would you rather burp bees or fart flashing lights?" Piper asks, giggling.
"Flashing lights," Avery says and laughs.
I half listen to their conversation, and half wonder why the fuck I impose these rules on myself. But the graduation memory is still fresh. As much as I don't like my baby growing up, I was looking forward to watching her go up and get her eighth grade certificate.
And that's why I have rules. No matter how hard they are to follow.
They talk during the rest of our supper, and I listen. To Avery's voice, to Piper's laugh, and can't help wanting more of this.
The three of us clean up the kitchen together, it kills me knowing how perfectly Avery fits into our little family, but I have to remember my fuck up.
"Can we watch Law & Order?" Piper asks.
"Of course," Avery answers.
Piper races into the living room and sits on the armchair. Avery looks at me, her eyes wide.
"You know what, I'm exhausted, I think I'm going to go to bed," I say.
"Night, Dad," Piper says, the remote control already in her hands.
"Sure," Avery says, her eyes heavy.
"You know where the spare room is, and Piper can show you where the towels and things are."
"Okay," she says, her voice devoid of emotion.
"Good night," I say and walk upstairs.
"Night," they both say.
I'm not tired at all, I just couldn't face sitting with them all evening. I grab my iPad and flop onto my bed.
I mess around, reading all sorts of different things and watching all sorts of different videos until I can't help myself any longer. I curse myself for being weak and open Avery's YouTube channel.
She posted a video earlier this afternoon, and I click on it. She looks like shit, her hair's a mess and her eyes are red. As I watch, my throat constricts so tight I struggle to breathe.
When it finishes, I start it over. My ribs feel like they're being ripped open.
When it finishes again, I scroll down the comments. It's only been up a few hours, but already there are hundreds of them. Comment after comment of people telling Avery how amazing she is and how she doesn't need me fill the screen.
Some comments say I'll come to my senses. I keep reading through them, until one hits me like a punch in the gut.
Single mom of three: Is his responsibility to his child? I understand what he's thinking but he's wrong. Tell him to stop being scared of messing up his children and start being afraid of missing out the (second) best thing that's ever happened to him!!!!!! Btw, I'm single mom no more, and my kids have never been happier! What do his kids think of you?
What does Piper think of Avery? Easy, the same way I feel about Avery.
Underneath the comment are at least a dozen replies of people agreeing with her.
I read the comment along with the replies three more times, each time feeling lighter and lighter.
After registering a new account, I leave my own comment.
The unicorn: thank you ex single mom of three. And Avery you are right. Everything about you is right. Perfect, even. You are the (second) best thing that's ever happened to me.
I've never been good with words.
Avery
Piper went to bed ages ago, but I'm delaying. I can't bring myself to drag my feet up the steps to sleep in Knox's spare room. Though it's true, I'm too uncomfortable to go home. I've never seen Nathan like that, and Knox is right, he might come back.
I'm lucky Knox was there. Who knows what Nathan would've done?
Even if Knox having his arm around me, holding me, supporting me was almost too much for my heart to bear. Because I know it wasn't real. And no matter how much I want it to be real, I have to face facts and push those thoughts out of my mind.
Knox running away and staying in his bedroom all night was proof his mind can't be changed. I'm here because he's being neighborly, nothing more.
Still, I can't bring myself to climb the stairs and sleep in his spare room. Even if it is after one in the morning. I start another mindless movie on Netflix, and lay out on the couch.
"What are you still doing up?" Knox asks in a quiet voice.
His hand brushes over my hair, and I realized I dozed off. I push myself up and sit. The dim end table light is on, but it's otherwise dark.
"I must've fallen asleep watching TV," I say.
"What were you watching?"
"I don't know. It doesn't matter."
"I can't sleep either," he says and sits beside me.
Flutters fill my chest. I swallow and become teary. I can't do this. I can't be in his house, this close to someone I want so badly. My breathing speeds and I focus on pushing away my feelings.
"It's been a hard couple of days for me," I say.
"They haven't been easy for me either, you know."
"Thanks for helping me with Nathan."
"You think I'd let that asshole anywhere near you? Now I know who he is, if he makes any more comments on your videos, he'll pay."
His words fill me, and I struggle to keep my feelings down. I bite the inside of my cheek, wondering why he'd say such a thing.
"Thanks," I say, mumbling.
"I'd never let anyone hurt you."
I want to ask why, but can't bring myself to. I can't sit here. Not beside someone who owns my heart and doesn't want me. Fuck Nathan, I'll take my chances.
Staggering to my feet, I step away from the couch.
"Where are you going?" Knox asks.
"Home. I need to go home."
My heart pounds and my knees are weak, but I have to get out of here. To retreat home where I don't have to suffer in his presence.
Knox reaches out and grabs my hand, the contact exploding my heart. My chest heaves, stuck between what I want to do and what I need to do.
"I watched your latest video," he says.
I freeze. He must think I'm an idiot. I swore I'd never post a video unplanned again, but I went ahead and did it again. This time completely unedited, complete with crying and stupid wishes and everything else. My cheeks heat with shame.
At the same time, I want to know what his reaction is.
Or maybe it's better that I don't know. That it'll hurt too much when he pushes me away even more.
I swallow, and say, "Oh."
Knox squeezes my hand, and pulls me back onto the couch. Our legs are touching, and he's still holding my hand. I'm exhausted, but the contact wakes my body.
"It was never about you, or my feelings for you. It was about Piper."
"I know. I just wanted you to see that I understand, but also that you're too hard on yourself."
"You know, a lot of people commented on it."
"They have?" I haven't looked at it since I posted it. I probably ruined my credibility and career because of it, and right now I want to pretend it never happened.
"They all say I'm an idiot."
I don't say anything, but am relieved to hear my fans supporting me. It really does mean a lot to me.