The sound of the small waves crashing against the rocky shore soothes me, and takes me back at the same time. I spent more hours than I can count out here as a child, sitting on the dock, playing in the woods and water, pretending, imagining, fantasizing that my life was grand and adventurous and I was someone else, someone important destined with a world-saving task.
Losing myself in fiction and fantasy was my escape then, and it is now. There were many, many times when Mom and Dad sent Jake down to the water’s edge to check on me, making sure I hadn’t fallen asleep and rolled off the dock into the water. That happens once and no one forgets about it. I’d be down here with a book, and often times Erin was with me doing the same. Jake teased us a great bunch, though he ended up joining in on our reenactments a few times.
That led me to the world of Cosplay and finding solace in fandoms, in knowing there were other people like me who longed for more, for adventure, for feeling like more than a tiny ant on this planet we call earth.
Not everyone gets it, especially hormonal teenagers who were still trying to figure their own shit out. Erin and I weren’t the only geeks at our high school, but we were one of the few, battling between being ourselves and being what was expected. I had my moments of “fuck societal norms” that quickly passed, and it wasn’t until I was in college that it really stuck.
I’m not and never will be that girl. I tried and hated it, then hated myself for wasting the time and energy for trying. Fitting in didn’t make me happy. Pretending to be someone I’m not makes me feel dirty, like I’m cheating on myself with Fake Felicity. Embracing my weirdness makes me happy.
I walk to the end of the dock and sit down, taking off my Toms and letting my toes dangle along the surface of Lake Michigan. I lean back on my elbows and let out a breath as the sun hits my face.
If I’m so happy, then why am I feeling a ball of dread in the pit of my stomach? It’s deep, and I don’t want to acknowledge it. I lay back on the dock and rest my hands on my stomach. My mind goes to my happy place, filling the day with something grand, something that makes me special, and something that’ll never happen.
I shake my head, knowing I can’t cover up this feeling forever, and at some point I need to come to terms with the fact that me—the older sister—is still as single as an individually wrapped slice of American cheese with no prospects in sight. And yeah, it does bother me. I’m not in a rush to get married, but I want someone.
Someone who loves me and all my flaws. Someone who can’t live a day of their life without me. Someone I can give myself to completely and love as much as I can.
Someday, I’ll find that someone.
CHAPTER THREE
I unroll the last curler from my hair and carefully pull it apart with my fingers before blasting it with hairspray. After adding another coat of mascara, I scrutinize my reflection for a minute before nodding at it with approval. I don’t wear a full face of makeup very often because it takes too long and I’d rather sleep than get up an hour earlier for work.
But I like it, and it surprises a lot of people to know that I am good at doing makeup. I picked up a lot of tips from doing Cosplay makeup. Putting all my gear back in a travel bag, I pad into my bedroom to get dressed. I pull on the white and blue polka dot dress, so thankful the slightly padded top is supportive enough to go sans strapless bra. Petite, slender Erin never understood my woe when it came to strapless bras. Those suckers never stay up.
Dressed and ready with half an hour before we have to leave to set up for the shower, I grab the Best Buy bag from my dresser and go downstairs.
“What are you doing?” Jake asks me when I kneel down by the TV stand in the family room.
“Hooking up HD cables. I don’t know how Mom and Dad live, watching everything in standard def.”
He rolls his eyes. “You’re such a nerd.”
I make a face right back. “You had me help you pick out a new TV and rewire everything last year. You know it makes a difference. This has nothing to do with being a nerd. I’m just helping Mom and Dad keep up with the times. They probably don’t even know the difference between SD and HD.” I turn off the TV, ignoring Jake’s protests that he was watching some motorcycle show, and get to work, muttering to myself that getting Mom and Dad to upgrade their cable will be a whole other feat.
I’m just about done and getting everything put back into place when Danielle comes through the door. Her hair falls in soft curls around her face, and she’s wearing a pale pink dress and tall white heels. I catch the smile and faraway look in Jake’s eyes when he sees her and resist the urge to throw up in my mouth. It’s weird seeing my kid brother so in love.