“No! Not really.”
Scooter muttered something under his breath and Carrick led me quickly away. “Don’t mind Scooter,” he told me. “He’s good with bikes but he’s a grumpy fucker. You like machines?”
I shrugged. “They just make sense to me,” I said. “When you fix them, the parts fall into place and everything’s just...where it’s supposed to be.” I felt myself turning red again. I knew I wasn’t explaining it well. But, when I looked up into his eyes, he wasn’t looking at me like I was a freak. Not at all.
He led me over to the double wide trailer. Someone had painted it eggshell blue and there were flowers in window boxes and more on the roof. It must have been sitting in the compound for years. “This is where Mom lives,” Carrick told me.
I turned to him, astonished.
“Not mine. We just all call her that. She sorta...looks after us.”
I slowly turned in a circle, gazing around. When we’d first roared up to the metal gate and the razor-wire fence, I’d thought this place looked like a prison. Now, thinking about the men I’d met inside and the ones I knew were in the world outside, it felt more like a protective fortress. And the clubhouse: those red walls and the dim interior still freaked me out a little, but I could see how the tiny windows and lack of daylight made it seem like a sanctuary, sealed off from the outside world. The one place these men would always be welcome.
I looked at Mom’s trailer. Thought about the way the other members had welcomed Carrick home, even if he seemed to keep his distance a little. It really is like a family.
And something swelled up inside me: a need. I’d had so many years of living with my step-dad, soaking up his resentment. Before that, all the years of living with him and my mom, terrified of the violence he’d unleash. I hadn’t had a real family, a place I could feel safe, since I was a little kid.
I was suddenly, irrationally, jealous. I wanted to belong to something too. I wanted somewhere I could return to where I knew people would hug me and ask me how I was doing. I hadn’t realized until that moment how much I needed it.
Carrick looked down at me and frowned. “You okay?”
I nodded quickly and looked away.
He stepped in front of me, six-feet plus of unyielding muscle and black leather, blocking out the sun. “Annabelle?” He used that voice, pure iron dipped in Irish silver. It didn’t permit any argument.
“Nothing! Just...it’s nice.” I made myself smile. “It’s like a whole second family.”
And then I saw something in his eyes. It was only there for a second, then he looked away to hide it, but I knew what I’d seen: a flicker of pain so strong it made me want to throw up. My jealousy evaporated. This wasn’t his second family; this was his only family.
Maybe we weren’t so different. I put a hand on his arm and he snapped his gaze to me again. “What happened?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Nothing.”
“You lost them?” I asked quietly, thinking of my mom.
“Let it go!” He sounded more Irish the more angry he got. He shook off my arm and stalked away.
I chased after him, catching him next to the clubhouse. “I just want to help.”#p#分页标题#e#
“Don’t,” he snapped. “Just stop it.”
“What?”
“Fuck!” He spun and slammed his fist down as if whacking a table. “Being fucking nice to me!”
We stood there staring at each other for a moment. Then he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and said, “I’m not someone you’re nice to. I’m not someone you’re friends with. I’m not someone you like.”
And there it was. That last sentence hung in the air between us. His eyes finally opened and stared into mine, begging me to leave it alone. I almost gave in. I could feel the mood shifting: pushing more could be dangerous.
But then I thought of the night we’d first met, how he’d ordered me to go back into the house...and how I’d stubbornly ignored him.
“Don’t I get to make up my own mind about liking you?” I asked.
“No!”
That threw me, but only for a moment. “Well...too bad, because I already did.” And I lifted my chin in defiance.
He stared at me, furious, shaking his head.
My voice quavered. “‘I’m not very good at this stuff,” I said, “But traditionally, I think this is where you say you like me, too.”
He gave a growl, grabbed me by the waist and slammed me up against the wall of the clubhouse, my feet only just brushing the ground. “Of course I fucking like you!” he snapped. “That’s why—” He sighed and shook his head. “That’s why you need to get a long way from me.”