Outlaw Hearts(88)

The woman left, and Miranda just stood staring at the doors. The ordeal of the journey to get here, the horror of being left to die at the trading post, and the terror of her pain and of the men who cared for her, all combined with the thought today that Jake might go back to his old life, crashed in on her on one wave of emotion. Now to learn that Wes was dead, that she had given up so much and risked so much to come here for nothing, brought her such terrible grief and disappointment, she grabbed the back of a chair to keep from falling.

In an instant, Jake was there, lifting her up with strong arms and carrying her to their own room. He kicked the door shut and sat down on the bed, holding her tightly on his lap. “I’m sorry, Randy, not just about your brother but about all the rest. Just tell me what you need, mi querida.”

“I just need you to hold me,” she sobbed. “I need you to want our baby.”

He kissed her hair. “I told you I do want the child. It’s just that my whole life I never gave one thought to being a father, figured I’d never be very good at it. I just don’t know if I’m even worthy to have a kid call me Pa.”

“You are, Jake. How many times do I have to tell you you’re as worthy as the next man? I know you love me, Jake, and you’ll love our baby. But you’ve got to learn to love yourself too.”

He felt an ache in his chest at the remark. He realized how right she was. It was hard learning how to love and be loved, harder still to learn to love himself; but then he figured if a woman like Randy could love him, there must be a part of him that was worth something.

“It’s more important to me now than ever for us to be family, Jake,” she was saying. “You and the baby are all I’ve got, and we’re all you have.” He smelled of whiskey and smoke, and she clung to him. “I was afraid you wouldn’t come back.”

He stroked her hair. “I’ll do and say a lot of things that don’t make sense sometimes, Randy, but one thing I know is I can’t be without you. There are times when I might leave because I’ve got to be alone to think things out; but I’ll always come back. Always.” He began unbuttoning her dress. “Let’s get a nightgown on you so you can get some rest. Tonight I’ll just hold you, and tomorrow we’ll have a nice breakfast and go visit Wes’s grave. When you feel stronger, we’ll talk about the baby.”

He undressed her and put on her gown, insisting she stay in bed while he went to the kitchen to see about bringing her something hot to drink. Miranda pulled the pillow to her, her emotions torn. The news about Wes was so disappointing. She had gone through so much to get here. The only thing that made the grief more bearable was the fact that Jake was here. She had trusted that he would come back, and he had. She put a hand to her belly, realizing her waist had gotten thicker. If Jake Harkner didn’t fully understand about love, the baby would teach him the rest. “You’ll be the best father who ever walked the earth, Jake. I know it in my heart.”

***

Miranda laid some flowers on Wes’s grave as Mellie left them. She put a hand to her aching chest, her grief more piercing at having never gotten to see her brother again. It felt strange to know that all that had been a part of her blood and her past was gone.

“There is nothing left now, Jake.” She rose and faced him. “No past, for me or for you. This is a sign that we have to go on and look only to the future, our baby, a life together. All we have is each other.”

They stood high on a hill that overlooked Virginia City. With the influx of thousands to the silver town, the graveyard had also quickly expanded, filled mostly with men killed in mining accidents or in fights in town. In the distance someone was conducting a funeral. A hawk flew overhead and screeched, and Miranda thought what a sad place this was, full of the graves of lonely, forgotten men come here in search of a dream and finding only death.

“I don’t want you to be afraid of being a father, Jake,” she told him. “You know exactly what you would have liked to have for a father, and I know in my heart you’ll do everything you can to make life very different for your child than it was for you. You think you know what love is all about now, but you won’t know until you hold this baby in your arms. I have a feeling our biggest problem will be you spoiling him or her to death.”

Jake walked a few feet past her. “I’ll tell you what bothers me most, Randy,” he said, his voice strained with emotion. “It’s the same thing that hurts the most about my own pa. It wasn’t the beatings so much as the fact that I hated him so much, was so ashamed of him. A kid needs to be proud of his pa, Randy. If I ever saw that same hate and shame in my own kid’s eyes…” He turned to face her. “That’s why this baby and any others we have can’t ever be told about my past. If they find out what I used to be, find out I killed my own pa, they’d look at me with those same eyes, and any love they had for me would be lost.”