“You are getting out of here! I don’t need any man but you, Jake Harkner! I love Jess, as a friend. He’s been wonderful to me and Evie both. I couldn’t have gotten through those first months of moving up here from Colorado and waiting for you to be sent out here without him; but there can’t be anything more between us, no matter how much he might want it, or how sincere you are in saying you would understand. I don’t want to hear any more about it, Jake.”
Did he sense she had weakened once since last she was here? It had been for just a moment, late one evening after Jess had visited and Evie had left with Dr. Stewart to go for a moonlight walk. She had been so tired that night, had let her faith and hope weaken, was depressed over Lloyd. Sometimes it was just impossible to hold it all in and put on a show of courage. She had broken down and wept bitterly, and Jess had held her for the longest time. He had begun kissing her hair, her eyes, finally her mouth. It was just like Jake had said…it had felt so good to give it all over to someone else, to pull strength from his still-virile demeanor, to let his strong arms enfold her and shore her up.
Jess had wanted more, knew she didn’t love him, but was willing to accept that, willing to just take Jake’s place for a while if that’s all there could be to it. He was willing to make love to her and risk the hurt of saying good-bye again once Jake was free, but she could not do that to Jess, or to herself or Jake. They had come so close, but she had made him leave. Truth was, he had not been back to see her since. That was almost two weeks ago. She understood and she ached for Jess, wished she could return his love, wished he had long ago found some other woman so she wouldn’t feel this guilt for not being able to love him the way he deserved to be loved. Now he was sick with a bad cough. Brian had told her Jess had been to see him, that he suspected the man had lung cancer. Jess! Poor, sweet Jess! And how could she tell Jake that awful news? She could only pray for now that Brian was wrong.
She looked down at the bread and broke off a piece. “Please eat something, Jake.”
She handed out the bread, and he caught her wrist. “Something happened, didn’t it?”
She kept staring at the bread. “No.”
“Randy, it’s been over three years, and five to go. It’s all right.”
She shook her head. “It’s not all right, not in my heart.” She met his eyes, her own misty. “You’re the only man I love or want, Jake. If you really love me as much as you say, you’ll stop talking like you’re not getting out of here, and you’ll stop trying to push me into some other man’s arms. My place is beside you.” She put a hand to his face. “Jake, you’re letting your father win this fight. You’re going back to being the man who thought he was no good, that he wasn’t worth being loved. You’re giving up, Jake, behaving like the little boy who would curl up in a corner after his father beat him and think maybe he deserved it. You didn’t deserve it then, and you don’t deserve it now. The strength I need isn’t going to come from some other man. It comes from these visits, but then only when I see hope and determination in your eyes; only when I know you’re going to fight to survive this and come back to me! You’re giving up, and that’s what shatters me. You fought so long and so hard to bring yourself up from the horrors of your past. You became a strong, determined man, a loving father and husband, and you released the goodness in your soul. And you smiled! You have the most wonderful smile, Jake, and someday you will smile again.”
He studied her lovingly, wanting her so. “My God,” he said in a near whisper. “I never should have ridden back into your life.”
She smiled through tears. “Oh, but just think if you hadn’t. For one thing, I probably would have died. For another, we never would have had all those years of happiness. You never would have found out what it was like to love and be loved, and you never would have had the chance to be a father and make up for all the things you missed as a child. Evie has already forgiven your past, and she understands, Jake. It will be the same for Lloyd. He just needs more time. You and Lloyd were so much closer, and a father and son share a different kind of relationship and trust. He’ll come to realize you kept your past from him because you loved him so much.” She squeezed his hand. “We are going to be a family again, Jake. You’ll see. Haven’t I been right about everything else? Didn’t I say we were meant to be, and that you could lead a normal life, and you’d love being a father? Wasn’t I right about those things?”