Every time he slides in and out of me, I feel these jolts of sensation inside. It doesn’t feel anything like the last time. It’s pleasure, yeah, but it also kind of feels like….
Heat flushes my cheeks and I pull away.
“What’s wrong?” Rafe asks immediately.
“It’s—I—is it—”
“What is it?”
I shake my head. “I—it—I don’t—it feels like I’m gonna….” Oh god, this is so embarrassing. I cringe away from Rafe’s gaze, but he just nods.
“It feels like you have to go to the bathroom?”
I nod, wincing.
“Yeah. You won’t, though, don’t worry. It’s just the sensation of having something inside you. You’ll get used to it and it won’t feel like that anymore. The more you can relax, the less it’ll feel that way, too. Do you want me to stop?”
I take a deep breath and shake my head. I want this over with.
“Try to push my finger out,” he says softly, still stroking my back. It’s like this isn’t embarrassing him at all. He kisses me lightly on the mouth. When I do it, he slides back inside me, deeper this time, and the feeling fades a little.
“Good. You’re doing great.”
I huff out a laugh. Yeah, right.
He slides in and out of me slowly and reaches between us. He strokes my erection lightly while his finger is inside me and it feels amazing. Like everything is amplified. I kiss him and feel him smile a little into the kiss.
He slides out, and this time when he slides back in, it’s more. My breathing is shallow but suddenly I’m so turned on I can hardly think. I kiss Rafe with everything I have.
“Mmm. Good?” he asks. I kiss him again. “How about now?” Rafe shifts his fingers inside me and I nearly scream.
“Oh Christ,” Rafe groans.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, what the fuck did you do?”
Rafe looks amused and turned on at the same time. “That’s your prostate,” he says against my lips. He’s using that voice that I love, the one that sounds intimate and filthy, like a promise. “Can you imagine how that will feel when I’m inside you? When it’s my cock touching you here”—he crooks his fingers again and bolts of electricity shoot through me—“instead of my fingers?”
“Oh god.”
He’s rubbing that spot inside me and I’m writhing on top of him, not sure if I want to get away or feel more.
“I—fuck, I can’t—fuck!”
Rafe kisses me deeply, sliding in and out of me slowly, then he slides a third finger in. It hurts for a moment, but my body adjusts quickly. I’m so lost in sensation that I hardly notice when Rafe stops kissing me. His cheeks are flushed and his lips swollen.
“How’re you doing?” he asks, running his free hand over my hair. I nod and kiss him.
“I want—I think—can we try?”
Rafe’s expression is serious and his hand on my cheek is gentle. “Yeah,” he says, voice rough. He kisses me as he eases his fingers out. He eases me down onto the bed like I weigh nothing and takes a condom out of his pocket.
“You, uh, you always carry lube and condoms in your pocket?”
“I put them in the bag with my running stuff. Just in case.” He pulls his underwear off and he’s hard and leaking. He rubs more lube inside me.
“Oh god, Rafe.”
“Roll over on your hands and knees, okay?” He taps my hip. I do what he says automatically, but the second he grabs on to my hips from behind, my stomach starts to lurch. I try to ignore it as he kisses down my spine and puts on the condom. I try to ignore it as he slicks himself up. But then I feel him coming toward me and I can’t.
I twist away on the bed, needing to see his face.
“Not like that, okay?” I say, shaking my head, my breaths coming too shallowly.
Rafe’s cupping my face, talking to me softly, but I don’t hear anything he’s saying over the rushing in my ears.
“Come here,” I hear finally. Rafe wraps his arms around me and pulls me to his chest. When I let him move me closer, I can feel the steady thump of his heart beneath his ribs, and I try to match my breathing to his. He runs his hand over my hair and strokes my back and I start to feel really pathetic. Then mad as hell at myself for failing to have sex.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m okay.” Lie.
“I don’t think so.” He leans back and pulls me close to his side, stroking from my head to the base of my spine. After a few minutes, I’m breathing okay and the shaking has stopped and I just feel foolish.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but—”