Out of Nowhere(30)
I look away when the needle pierces my skin with a punching sound that makes my stomach heave, and try to distract myself by naming every sound I can hear. The hum of the refrigerator. The buzz of the overhead light. Neighborhood kids playing. A car driving past that has an exhaust problem. The sound of Rafe’s deep, calm breaths.
“One more,” he says. It’s not so much the pain that’s getting to me; I just feel queasy.
“All done.” He strips off the gloves and peers at me. “Shit, you’re green. I should’ve had you eat first.”
I shake my head. “I’m okay.” The stitches are in a perfect line, uniform and straight. “Wow. You should be a doctor or something.”
He smiles and bandages my hand, then squeezes my shoulder. “All set,” he says softly, moving his hand up to my neck. He clears his throat. “I didn’t know what you liked so I got cheesesteaks.”
“That’s fine. Thanks.”
Rafe unpacks the food but doesn’t say anything. I can’t stand the quiet. The wet sounds of chewing and swallowing.
“That kid, Anders. He reminds me of my little brother, kind of,” I say into the silence.
“The one you work with at the shop?”
“No, the one who just moved away.”
“The professor. How so?” He’s turned back to the food, but I can tell he’s interested.
“Um, just, like, last week, the way he was really into Harry Potter. Daniel was like that—always wanting someone to read to him. My dad always babied him, you know. Treated him like he was delicate or something.”
“I think that happens a lot with youngest kids.”
“Nah. It’s like he didn’t expect him to be as tough as the rest of us. Like he knew even before Daniel told him.”
“Told him…?”
“That he was gay.”
“Wait, Daniel’s gay?”
I nod. “After he told Pop, Pop coddled him even more, you know. Like, he was so polite to him. He’d never be that way with me.”
“You mean if you were to come out to him?”
“What? No! Just, in general.”
“So, your dad was fine with Daniel being gay?” Rafe asks. He sounds confused.
“Well, no. I mean, he thinks it’s disgusting—freakish. But once Daniel told him, Pop started treating him all… I dunno. Like a girl or something.”
“Like a girl?”
“Just—you know, not wanting to offend him or hurt his feelings or something. Like he was a—”
“What?”
“A sissy. A faggot.”
Rafe’s eyes flash. “I don’t like that word, Colin.”
“Sorry, sorry. I just mean, you know, he started treating him like he wasn’t a man.”
“I see.” The silence feels like it lasts hours but is probably only minutes.
“So, um,” I say, trying to break the silence. “You said people know about you?”
“That I’m gay? Yeah.”
“Like, your family and stuff.” He nods. “And they’re cool with it?”
“Cool.” He laughs a little bitterly. “No, not cool. My sisters are fine with it, though they don’t quite believe it because I’ve never brought a boyfriend home or anything.”
“Not even Javier?”
Rafe’s face goes instantly blank.
“Javier wasn’t my boyfriend,” he says. “We were never lovers. Though—” He shakes his head, like he’s embarrassed. “My mom has come to accept it, I think. It’s gotten easier for her. Especially once she had grandchildren to worry about. I know she wishes I would just settle down and have a family of my own, but….”
He’s staring off into the distance, like he wishes for that too.
“Your dad?”
Rafe clucks his tongue. “No. My father would not be okay with it, but he hasn’t been in the picture for a long time, so.”
“What’s his deal?”
“He was pretty much gone by the time I was twelve or thirteen. He went back to Zamora—Mexico—with some of his cousins and left my mom with three kids and no money. Not that we were sad to see him go, since when he was around all he did was make us wish he wasn’t.” He shakes his head in disgust. “So, what did your mom think about Daniel being gay?”
“Nothing. She died when I was twelve.”
Instead of the empty “sorry” most people say in response, Rafe just moves closer to me and squeezes my arm.
“What would she have thought, do you think?”
What would she have thought? She always wanted me to have a wife. A family. Like Rafe’s mom, I guess. Maybe all moms want that. Would she have been disgusted if Daniel told her… that? I don’t know. He was her baby and she loved the crap out of him. I know that. Fuck, I don’t know.