Brian’s shaking. His wet hair is dripping onto his bare shoulders and he’s covered in goose bumps. He’s hugging himself against the chill, his eyes darting from me to Sam and back again.
“I, um, I apologized to him,” I say lamely.
Brian’s eyes are wide.
“But… but I was horrible to him. I was fucking horrible to him because I thought that’s what you wanted! You were always so miserable and it was, like, the only thing I could do that seemed to make you feel better was tease him. And so I-I-I did. And now… you—and…. Fuck!”
Brian grabs at his wet hair. He looks like he’s going to be sick.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m so goddamned sorry.”
“Can you go?” Brian says. “Just….” He shakes his head and walks into his bedroom, the spot of lather still in his hair, leaving Sam and me standing in the filthy kitchen.
“I DID it. I told Brian and Sam. I fucking did it!”
Shelby cocks her head to one side and then rolls onto her side on the floor to clean her own ass.
“Yeah, that’s about right,” I mutter and flop onto the couch.
I can’t stay sitting down, though. I’m jittery with excitement and fidgety with nerves. In one way, it’s as if everything was leading up to this—to me telling Brian and Sam. In another, though, the person who had the real power to break me when I told him is the one person I can never tell. In any case, it feels totally anticlimactic because I still don’t have Rafe. I’m not sure what I expected. That he’d snap back to me like a rubber band the second I told them? I pace around the living room, trying to figure out what to do. After an infuriating few hours of pacing, cleaning, sit-ups, showering, more pacing, and more cleaning, I call Daniel.
“Dude,” he answers the phone. “Congratulations.”
“Huh?”
“You did it! You came out to Brian and Sam, right? I’m proud of you.”
Daniel’s voice is light, but his words settle comfortingly in my empty stomach.
“Wait, how did you know?”
“Oh, um, well, I got a very distraught message from Brian basically apologizing for treating me like shit all these years, and blaming you for it. No, I didn’t mean—I’m kidding.”
But I know he’s not kidding. Neither was Brian. He didn’t mean it like that, but he’s right. I never gave it a moment of thought. But Brian would never have treated Daniel that way if what he said wasn’t true. If he hadn’t been trying to somehow do something for me. Brian can be an idiot, but he’s not mean.
“I’m sorry, man,” I say. It hangs in the air.
“No, I—that’s not what I—I wasn’t trying to—”
“No, I know. I get it. But still.”
“That’s why you called, right? Because you did it?”
“Yeah. I—well, not exactly. Rafe’s upset with me. Thinks he can’t trust me to… well, partly to be honest about… you know, our relationship, but also, like, to be there for him. He said he needed time to think. And I don’t know how to… like, show him that he can. Trust me, I mean.”
There’s a pause before Daniel says, “Can he?”
“What? Yes!”
“Are you sure?”
“What? Fuck you, man! What, because you’re—”
“Would you put a lid on it, Colin? I’m trying to help you. Explain it to me. Tell me why Rafe can trust you.”
“Damn, man, why d’you have to be such a dick about everything?”
“Why do you have to get so defensive about everything?”
“I don’t—” I take a deep breath. “Fine.”
There’s murmuring on the other end of the phone.
“Rex says don’t be a dick to me or he’ll have to defend my honor,” Daniel says.
“Psh, yeah, I’d like to see him try,” I say, instantly pissed again.
“Dude. I was kidding. A joke. Just calm the fuck down. Did you ever think that maybe you’re the one freaking Rafe out enough that he thinks he can’t trust you. If every time he asks you a question, you fly off the handle, then maybe—”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Jesus. Fine.”
“So, explain it to me.”
“I can’t.”
“Why.”
“Because. It’s—you’re—I—we. It’s private.”
Daniel chuckles. “Fine, don’t tell me. But if I were you, I’d tell Rafe. Not just that he can trust you, but why.”
Daniel rambles on for a while about him and Rex and it all gets a little bit therapy for my taste, but then he says something that strikes a chord.