The trouble was, while he knew what he didn’t want, he had no real clue what he did want. How far he was willing—or capable—of going.
What if he asked her to stay with him—to not go back into the army—and then a few weeks or months down the line, he realized he really couldn’t do the commitment thing, and she’d given up her whole life for him, and he’d feel trapped…?
Crap, he was a mess.
Because the army was her life. He didn’t know why, and she refused to open up. Refused to talk about anything of a personal nature. She’d allow him to get so close and then she slammed the door in his face.
Maybe if he understood her, what made her tick, solved the puzzle, then she would lose her appeal. He could relegate her into the long list of “lovers turned to friends.”
He’d never thought of himself as a coward, but each time he’d girded himself to confront her, ask her what she wanted from him, where they were going, he backed down. Because he was pretty sure she would walk away from him if he pushed her into a corner.
He didn’t want her to do that. And strangely, for the first time in his life, he didn’t want his feelings to change, couldn’t imagine thinking of her as a friend, never kissing her, holding her, making love…
He kept waiting for the trapped sensation, the one that always came when a woman started to get comfortable, think there was a future with him. But the feeling never came with Dani and really, it was obvious why not.
Because he wasn’t trapped.
Because all she really wanted him for was sex.
And after she’d gotten enough of him, then she would go back to her old life and forget he even existed.
She didn’t care about him, about his life, what he wanted. She was using him.
He couldn’t believe he had actually had that thought. It was payback—the tables were well and truly turned. And he didn’t like it. Had no clue what to do about it. All he knew was the idea of her leaving him, going back into danger, was tearing him apart.
Shit, he was in trouble.
…
Dani had moved into the main house. She’d considered maintaining some distance—for all of about a second—but it wasn’t really an option. Zach wouldn’t let her. And besides, she didn’t want to trip over Gary and Simon and their disapproving expressions every five minutes.
“Don’t worry,” she’d told Gary as he lounged in the open doorway while she packed her bag. “I know you think I can’t look after myself, but honestly, I’ll be fine. This thing with Zach is a bit of fun—nothing serious.”
She only hoped she’d been telling the truth, but as usual as soon as the thought flickered through her mind, she squashed it down into the deepest, darkest corner of her brain. She was not going to spoil these last days. Four more to go until the physical. She wouldn’t waste them.
Peering through the glass doors, she could see Zach on the sofa, a fierce expression on his normally laid-back face. She hoped he was thinking about the plot of his book and not about her. Then she noticed the phone clasped in his hand.
She pushed open the door, and he watched her as she crossed the room.
“Bad news?” she asked.
He glanced at the phone as if he’d forgotten it was in his hand and then tossed it onto the table. “No. Just Jess checking in—she said to say hi.”
“Oh.”
“And I might be coming with you next week.”
“To the physical?”
“Well, not actually to the physical, but I’ve been invited to an awards ceremony. Jess is checking out whether it will be safe. She’ll let us know.”
That was nice. She’d been dreading leaving him, but this might give them another day or so together.
He still appeared on edge, and she leaned down and kissed him on the forehead, then climbed onto his lap, straddling his leans hips and kissing him on the mouth. For a second, he melted into her, then he pulled away.
She flinched, a little stab of fear jabbing her in the stomach. Was this it? Was this how it ended? Was he sick of her already?
She would have sworn that wasn’t the case. They seemed closer than ever. Maybe that was the problem—he didn’t want to be close. But she’d done her best not to get serious with him, to make it clear that she wouldn’t cling when it was over. She just didn’t want it to be over yet.
Leaning back, she studied him. His jaw was tight with tension. “Are you okay?”
She’d expected at simple yes, but instead he gave a shrug. “Just restless. I wish this whole thing was over.”
Including me?
There was that little stab of fear again. But really, had she thought she could keep him when no other woman had? It was only days until her physical and then this would be over anyway. At least she hoped so. Or did she?