Only in Dreams(37)
He hesitates, then says, “I thought I could handle this, handle you, but I can’t.”
“What are you talking about? What did I do?” I beg.
He looks down at the ground, tracing shapes with his shoe in the sawdust on the floor. Then, looking up at me, he says something that changes everything. Something that can never be undone. “I don’t think us being friends is such a good idea.”
“I don’t understand what changed. Is this because I yelled at you? Is it about what happened at the bar?”
He shakes his head, struggling with something he doesn’t want to say.
“Please, just tell me.”
“I did have a rush order when Henry came, that part was true. But … I had time to stay and talk with him before I left.”
“So why didn’t you?”
“I saw you two in front of the inn,” he says. I remember hearing him working in the courtyard, but I hadn’t seen him. I wonder at what point he saw us.
“So?” I continue. “You knew he was coming.”
“Knowing you’re in love with another man is one thing, seeing you in his arms is another.”
“No,” I say, my head now shaking wildly. I raise a finger and point it at him. “You can’t do this to me. You can’t tell me you’re okay with Henry, then get all weird on me.”
“Jesus, Paige, you had to know,” his voice cracks.
“Know what?”
“Why do you think I’ve been over at Colin and Em’s every spare second since you got here?”
“You always are, that’s what you do,” I insist.
He shakes his head. “No, it’s not. I’m there because I feel whole again when I’m around you.”
“No, that’s not right.”
“I thought maybe, the other day, with the way you reacted when we danced, you might have felt it, to0. But then, when I saw you with him, I realized I was wrong.” His voice was quiet as he spoke.
“You can’t do this to me,” I plead. “I thought I was getting my friend back.
“You think I want to feel this way? When I saw him take you inside, and you didn’t come back out, I—I couldn’t think about it anymore. I loaded up my truck and got the hell out of here.”
“What we had is over, Christian. I thought we both understood that.”
Pressing his open palms against his face, he pulls downward, stretching out his expression as he does, clearly frustrated with the situation. “I was wrong. It was never over for me. We were never over.”
And before I know it, we’re having the post break up conversation we never had. “You were the one who told me to leave all those years ago,” I remind him.
“Did you ever even turn around?” he asks with a rattle.
“What?” I can hardly believe we are saying the things we are, but as long as we are here, in this place, there are answers I want, too.
“I always wondered, that day you left, did you ever look back?” he asks again.
“You know I’m not the type to look back,” I answered honestly.
“No, I suppose not,” he says softly, before hanging his head.
“Oh my God, you are so not allowed to act all sad and rejected. You were the one who told me to leave,” I snap, outraged by his reaction.
“I know. It’s probably the biggest regret of my life.” His words make all the hair on my entire body stand up straight. But I know better. Emmie told me all the things Christian was up to since our breakup. He didn’t live like a man who regretted his choice.
“Please, don’t act like you pined after me all these years. I know exactly what you were up to after we split. You forget my best friend is married to your brother.”
“Oh, I never forgot. Half the stuff I told Colin to tell Em was just me hoping all the details would drive you crazy.”
“Are you insane?” I ask, not believing a word he is telling me.
He shrugs his shoulders. “I was a little out of my mind at the time.”
“You said you became a roadie because of a girl.”
“Yeah, you were that girl. I went all over this country trying to forget you. It didn’t work.”
I cross my arms. If he wants to have this conversation, he is going to have to own up to some truths. “I know you were with other women; they weren’t all stories.”
“You’re right. Neither of us has been alone since we split. But why do you think I was never in the same town for more than a week? Why do you think another woman never stuck?” Christian asks me directly.
I turn my head and don’t reply. I don’t know how to reply. These are the things I had wondered since we broke up. “Damn it, Paige. If I stood still too long, all the memories of you, of us, I knew they’d catch up to me. I was afraid if I slowed down I’d have to think about what I’d lost.”