“Where are you going?” I yell, huffing and puffing against the wind and the cold, pissed that his long legs give him such the advantage.
“I need to be alone.”
“Give me a break,” I mutter, increasing my speed. “You can’t avoid the bad shit forever, you know,” I tell him.
He whirls on me, his face contorted with so much conflicting emotion, it’s like he’s a different person. “You don’t know me. I don’t avoid the bad shit. I fucking live it every single day of my life!”
I’m taken aback by his outburst, again with the show of emotion. Even though he’s taking all of his anger and turmoil out on me, this has to be good for him, right? “You don’t have to deal with it by yourself, you know. It’s okay to grieve and talk about her.”
“I grieve and it’s full of guilt. It’s my fault my baby sister got inside the pool area and drowned. I was supposed to stay outside and watch her but I—I didn’t. I thought the gate was closed.” He thrusts both hands through his hair, clutching at the dark strands as he stares unseeingly at me. “It’s my fault and her fault.”
“Her fault? Do you mean Vanessa?” She was practically a baby! How could he say that?
“No, fuck of course not. Her fault. God.” His voice catches on a sob and I realize tears are streaming down his cheeks. Seeing them, seeing him so distressed makes my heart ache, but I’m afraid to go to him. Afraid he’ll only push me away and I can’t stand the thought of that. Him grieving alone, thinking this is somehow all his fault and whoever else’s.
I’m so confused. And honestly?
I’m afraid to ask.
“Tell me what happened,” I demand, deciding to be brave and face this head on. “How did your sister die?”
Drew wipes furiously at his face, banishing the tears as we head back toward Vanessa’s gravesite. I give him a moment, sitting on a bench nearby. The tree branches above my head wave with the wind, and I shiver beneath my too-thin coat, watching him as he begins to pace directly in front of me.
“I was outside. Hanging out with my dad and enjoying the sun. That Thanksgiving break, it was warmer than usual, and I was riding high after doing so well during my first year on the team.” His voice trails off and he looks lost in thought. “Adele had been gone most of the day, shopping for Christmas presents. She asked my dad to watch Vanessa and we were playing with her. She’d run back and forth across the back patio, giggling nonstop. It took her awhile to warm up to me, you know? Because I wasn’t home much, but I always got her to come around.”
I say nothing, letting him take his time to tell this story. He needs to get it out, no matter how painful it must be for him to relive the day. I’d rather comfort him and tell him we’ll talk about it another time, but when?
“My dad got a phone call. He’d been working on a big merger that had taken him months to put together and he had to take the call. He told me I needed to watch Vanessa, never let her out of my sight and of course, I said I would.” He released a shuddering sigh and closed his eyes. “She played hide and go seek with me and we were laughing, I was teasing her. I knew my dad wasn’t too far off, I could hear him talking on the phone.
Adele was suddenly at the door and she asked me…she asked me to come inside with her. I told her I couldn’t, that I had to watch Vanessa and she convinced me Vanessa would be fine. My dad was right there. And he was, I swear he was. So I went in and…and Vanessa somehow got inside the gated area that surrounds the pool and she fell in. Turns out my dad had walked to the front of the house but I didn’t know it then. He didn’t realize I left Vanessa alone. I thought he had her and he thought I had her…”
Drew fell apart. Literally crumpled to the ground on his knees in front of his sister’s grave, his shoulders heaving as he hunched over the gravestone as if in prayer. “I’m sorry. I fucked up and I’m so goddamned sorry.”
I went to him. Got down on my knees and wrapped my arms around him as best I could. He turned into me, slinging his arms around my neck and pressing his face against my chest. I could feel the dampness of his tears against my skin and I stroked his head, my fingers tangling in his hair as I tried my best to soothe him.
We sat like that for long, silent minutes. His body trembling with emotion as he quietly cried against me. I let him, felt the tears and the sadness well up inside of me too, and I cried with him. Silent tears that purged me, connected me to Drew as I felt his raw, all encompassing grief and pain.
This isn’t all that plagues him, I know. I can sense there’s more, much more and he’s holding back for fear I might freak out. Or worse, think less of him.