“I’m the one who’s here! I’m the one who’s trying to protect you!”
“I know. That’s all you do. Protect me. It’s like… it’s like I’m your job and not your girlfriend.”
I laugh at that one. I scrub my hand down my face and laugh.
“You’ve never had sex with me alone. Ever.”
“We’re a threesome!”
“So now you want to be a threesome? But five minutes ago you were ready to walk away from JD and never look back?”
“It’s not that simple—”
“It is that simple.” She stands up and begins to untie her coat. “May I use your bathroom?”
And I guess she’s right. It is that simple. Because just like that, she shuts me down.
The hot water washes over me as I struggle with what I’m trying to come to terms with tonight. Ark brought me here to save me from JD. Why do I have such a problem with that?
I run things through my head as the steam gathers in the shower and that takes me back to that first day when we were in the tub together. Ark left to take a phone call. JD stayed and held me.
Ark was all business back then, just like he is now. Logical. Calculating. Always keeping things at arm’s length.
JD is messy emotions and heartfelt declarations. He’s easy-going and friendly. And if you asked me on day one which one would hurt me more—the one who wants to slap my face as I suck his dick, or the one who wants to protect me and keep me safe—I’d never have guessed that Ark would have such power to destroy me.
Because JD might be fucked up, but I understood what he wanted. JD shared with me. Not with words. He never told me his story with words. But he told me his story with sex.
Is that wrong?
I shut the water off and wrap a towel around myself. I don’t know if Ark brought me clothes, but I figure the ones I had on are good enough, even if he did. So I put my jeans and t-shirt back on and walk back out to the living room.
Ark is still sitting on the couch, staring at me, when I walk in. He’s got his leg crossed over his knee and one hand over his mouth, cupping his chin. It’s a gesture that defines how different he is from JD. Because that gesture says, How much do I tell you? How deep do I let you into my life?
“You know what your problem is?” I ask him, taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch where I was earlier.
He shoots me a perplexed look. “What?”
“Your problem is that you’re not invested.”
He laughs. “Is that right?”
“Yeah. That’s the difference between you and JD. You’ve never checked in, Ark. You never asked for the room key. You never made yourself at home.”
“How do you figure? I have done nothing but help you. Nothing but support you—”
“You’re right,” I say, cutting him off. “You’ve done nothing else. Because you’re not invested. I’m some kind of project to you. Or a means to an end. Or, I don’t know, a distraction.”
“A distraction?” he asks with one eyebrow raised. “You must be fucking with me. Because you, Blue, are the whole reason I’m checking out.” And then he laughs.
“I don’t even know what that means. What are you checking out of?”
“You’re the one who wants me to check in. You tell me.”
“I’m talking about this relationship we have. What the fuck are you taking about?”
That catches him off guard because his eyes widen and he sits back a little. And this is when I realize something.
He’s lying.
Ark is lying.
I stand up, but he’s got my wrist. “Please, don’t,” he says, pulling me back to the couch. “Please don’t walk away. Because I won’t be able to follow you, Blue. I won’t be able to give you what you’re looking for right now.”
“What do you think I’m looking for? I’d really like to know, because I honestly have no idea.”
“Answers,” he says, pulling me closer to him. “You want answers I can’t give. But I can give you reassurance, Blue.” He lifts me up and places me in his lap. “I can’t tell you things. But I can show you how I feel about you.”
“Why now, though? Why wait until it’s almost too late to show me? Why haven’t you shown me this all these weeks?”
“Is this because I won’t fuck you without JD?”
“That’s part of it. It makes me think you’re only in the relationship for him.”
Ark laughs. “Blue, I’m not gay. I don’t want to fuck JD. I don’t want JD to fuck me. I like watching him fuck you. I like him watching me fuck you. I like him to suck my dick and kiss my mouth. I like his hands on my balls as I pound you from below. I like how he licks your clit when I have you spread open. That moment, when I’m fucking you in the ass, and we’re waiting for JD to put it in your pussy. But then he leans down and licks you. And when he does that, Blue, he cups my balls and slides his tongue up my shaft. And fuck, I cannot get enough of that. But it’s because of you, baby. The reason I love it is because of you. If you’re not there, I’m not interested.”