“I thought it was JD’s job to get the producers?” She takes a seat on the couch and leans into the plush, overstuffed arm, bringing her feet up and tucking her hands under her cheek, like she’s exhausted and might fall asleep at any moment.
I sit down on the opposite end of the couch, not quite sure if she wants me close or not. “He gets clients. But only the smalltime ones. He has no idea how big we really are.”
“Because you lie to him?”
I don’t know why I’m shocked at her audacity, but I am. “Yeah,” I answer truthfully. “I lie to him. I lie to Ray. I lie to you. I even lie to me.”
“Am I supposed to feel sorry for the existential struggle you wrestle with over being the bad guy?”
OK. Right to the chase. “It’d be nice if you did.”
“Why should I? If you’re just a liar who sells sex?”
“Because I’m asking you to trust me.”
“And what about JD? Am I supposed to just forget that I love him? Have you forgotten already that you love him?”
“No, Blue.” I scoot over next to her and place a hand on her shoulder. She’s still all wrapped up in her winter coat, so I can’t get much of a connection. But I need her to understand this part, at least. “Not at all. I’m never going to stop loving JD. And you know, I’d love for all of this tonight to be a misunderstanding.” I let out a long exhale, hating myself for what I have to say next. Hating myself for the lies I have to tell her right now. “I’d love for him to tell me he was making that shit up. That he didn’t sell those films to the assholes who took his kid. Took your best friend and her baby. I don’t want this to end. At all. That’s part of my problem, Blue. I like this life. A lot. OK? I know making and distributing porn isn’t the classiest of jobs, but Ray makes it work. Ray’s a good guy, you know? I love him too. He’s like a father to me. Not everything about this business is bad. Not all of it is dirty.”
“But it’s all tainted.”
“Jesus Christ, OK, yeah, I get it. It’s filled with lowlifes. But—” I stop. Am I really going to defend porn as a way out? I mean, sure, some girls use it that way. Some make money, leave, go to school or whatever. Use it to create an opportunity for a better life. But most don’t. Most get stuck in it. Addicted to the money, or drugs, or even the sex. The lifestyle. Most never get out until they’re forced out because of diseases, or age, or addiction. “Look, I’m not going to defend what I do, and I’m not going to defend the fact that I could live like this indefinitely. I’ve made tens of millions of dollars in a couple of years. It’s not a bad way to pass the time.”
She lets out a long sigh.
“What?” I ask.
She’s quiet for a few seconds and I try my best to be patient and let her think. “I want to believe you,” she finally says. “I really do.” And then she sits up and turns towards me, looking me straight in the face. “I love you. But I love him too. We’re three, Ark. We’re three and you just bailed out on that without even blinking. I can’t walk out on that. Not without a conversation.”
“I get it, but—”
She puts her hand up to stop me. “Just listen to me for once. I’m allowed to have an opinion, Ark.”
“Of course you are.”
“I need to see him. I need to hear his side. You two started this relationship with me. You got me all invested. I don’t fault him for the rough stuff. I know it means I’m sick—”
I reach for her, because filling her with shame about that was never my intention. “Blue, if you really like it like that, it’s fine. But I don’t think you do. I think you’re fucked up from the past year and a half of psychological sex games.’
“I know,” she says quickly. “I realize that it’s all tainted by my experiences. But my point is, it’s not JD’s fault for giving me what I asked for. Even if what I asked for wasn’t good for me. And you know what? Maybe JD’s way wasn’t the right way. But at least he was in the game.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“You never touch me unless he’s there. When you’re gone, JD can’t get enough of me. And you never want more. He jokes and laughs. He smiles and makes me smile. And maybe it’s not fair to compare the two of you, but Ark… he makes me feel loved.”
I’m blown away. “You’ve got to be kidding me. After all the shit he’s done?”
“He’s in the game. You’re avoiding it whenever you can.”