She stares me in the eyes for a few seconds. “So we’re just two now?”
“Do you want to be two with me?”
She nods her head. “Yes, please.” And then she cups her hands around my face and kisses me on the lips. “Please. Don’t leave me. Don’t make me go. I’m not ready to face the world, Ark. I’m not. I can’t tell my father what happened to me. I can’t answer those questions. I can’t admit that I fell into their trap. That I got that Stockholm thing and started to like those people. That I told that man I’d marry him. Be his wife. Let him fuck me. Sell him my children. I can’t do that. I need this world a little longer. And if you let me stay, I promise I will work harder at getting better. I will go out with you. I’ll try harder. I’ll do better, I swear.”
Ark never sleeps with me the way JD does. He’s never wanted secret sex like JD did. Ark never wanted to share me. He’s always wanted me for himself.
But JD walking out scares me. Because JD was the glue. JD was the one who joked around and put us at ease. JD was the one who loved freely and openly.
Ark has always been closed off. Secretive. Working out of town. Only a few days at a time, but that time was enough to let JD and me take our game a little farther.
“Let me see you,” Ark says, turning on the bedside lamp so it lights us up.
I cover myself with my arms and look down as he touches me, his fingertips tracing my ribs, my hip bone. He crouches down and feels my leg, first the one and then the other.
My ass is stinging, so I know it’s red, and he gently turns me over and caresses it for a lingering moment.
“Has he hurt you?” I’m silent for a moment. “Tell me the truth, Blue. Has he hurt you?”
I nod my head. “But that was the point.”
Ark drops his hands and sits up in bed with a sigh. And then, like it’s just too much, he drops his face into his palms.
I scoot over next to him, my hand on his leg. “I’m sorry.” I know this is the end. I can feel it. Six weeks was way longer than it should’ve lasted. Six weeks was so much more than I ever dreamed of. Six perfect weeks where I felt safe. “I’m sorry,” I say again.
He looks up, but doesn’t turn his head. He just stares at the wall across the room. “Tell me something, Blue. What exactly are you sorry for?”
“Being…” Being what? Unfaithful? I wasn’t. I know that’s not what he’s thinking. But my mind can’t seem to go anywhere else.
“Why do you feel guilty, Blue?” Ark prods.
“Because it was a secret,” I whisper. “JD told me to keep it secret and I did.”
Ark nods, but still refuses to look at me. “Secrets are bad.” He finally turns and meets my gaze. “Secrets between people who love each other are bad. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep this lie up. I’m calling your father, I’m taking you home, I’m putting an end to it before the shit gets out of hand. I can’t do it anymore. And I certainly can’t do it if you’re here, right in the middle of all the shit that’s happening.”
“What?” Do what? He’s not making sense.
But he ignores me. “I mean, I’ve not had a lot of heroic moments over the past four years, I get that. I’m no different than Ray or anyone else using women for financial gain. No matter what the reason is, there’s no excuse for letting it get this far. None.” He looks me in the eyes again. “Greed was what drove it, I think. The money just started coming. The girls were there. We had contracts, and blood tests, and scanned copies of legitimate driver’s licenses. Up and up, I always said. Up and fucking up. But it’s all bullshit, Blue. I’m one hundred percent bullshit. If I say I live by a moral code, but I can’t walk the talk, then there is no difference between them and me.”
I don’t know what he’s talking about. The only thing I do know is that he’s dead serious. My mind races for something to hold onto. Something to buy myself some time. Because I may be sick—they probably did fuck my head up in ways that will require years of therapy—but I didn’t come all this way, or go through all that shit, in order to give up now. So I need something. Something that will draw him out of this sudden monologue that reeks of disclosure and put us back on track. “Christmas,” I murmur, almost to myself. It’s the only thing I can think of.
“What?”
“Christmas,” I repeat. “I do want to go home, Ark. I do want to get past all this. But please. I love you.” I climb into his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. “No matter what, I do love you. I can’t just walk out. And if you love me back, neither can you. We owe each other that much. Maybe JD is gone. I don’t know, he’s your best friend. I don’t have his secrets, only the one we made together. You have his secrets. But just because he’s gone doesn’t mean there is no us.”